Need Advice

[chris5257]

Dr. Bradley,

As I said in a previous post, my husband and I love your book and your philosophy about teens. Our middle son will be 18 in three months. His grades are fair, he participates in one sport at school, and he has a part-time job. I would classify him as a chronic underachiever. At home he is nice to us and his siblings, he always comes in by 12MN curfew or about once a week calls to say that he’s staying over at someone’s house. We have worked hard to be dispassionate about all issues and to maintain an open relationship with him.

We have been aware for some time that he experiments with alcohol and pot. Until last night we have not really caught him, just heard about it, confronted him and he confirms. He absolutely refuses to see a counselor because he does not believe there is a problem. Recently our approach has been – we do not approve, but we have focused more on responsible behavior in all areas.

Last night he told us he was spending the night with a friend, but instead went to a party with four other boys. They got caught by the police after curfew and were found to have consumed alcohol – not dangerously drunk – he was .08. Also, there was a designated driver. Aside from the driver, the rest of them were given citations for possession by consumption except one boy who blew .00. When we asked why that boy didn’t drink our son told us that he had been smoking pot. The take home message there being that maybe you should just smoke pot and not drink – then you won’t get caught. We proceeded to have a discussion about pot and our son said “it’s not a drug – I don’t use drugs – I just like to party with alcohol and pot.” We talked about abuse potential – he said alcohol has that and it’s legal. The law just likes to get kids in trouble.

HELP! How do we have a discussion about the dangers of these things? We have focused on responsibility and he thinks he was responsible! He’s almost 18 - the only leverage we have is his car and to be honest we are afraid that if we take it away he will just get rides with people less responsible and safe than he is. Where do we go from here?

I feel like our son is walking on the edge of the Grand Canyon and at any moment he could either fall in or just walk away and be fine. We don’t know how to help and it is just tearing us to shreds. I can't wait to hear from you. This site is like a lifeline - thanks.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Your letter could be written by a million parents out there, who like yourself, are raising very nice kids in the middle of an over-the-edge drug culture that does not see the two "worst" drugs as drugs at all. Alcohol kills more kids than all of the aother drugs combined, and weed put more kids in rehab last year than all of the other drugs combined. What to do?
Bribe your son into seeing a shrink for a consultation session about drug use. Be sure the shrink is someone who works with kids and thus knows the truth about these "non-drugs". She/he might be able to make a dent in the myths your kid carries about these drugs. Beyond that, keep heavy on the conversations ("I'm scared to death about your using, son."), and light on the punishments. Of course, if he uses and drives himself, you must hang up the car keys for some time until you think he is safe. Hopefully, if you keep your loving connection to him, this will be an experimentation phase that passes as he sees these drugs for what they are. Remember that getting heavy handed will only drive him and his use underground, and give him more reasons to get wasted. But beyond all else, and despite what you see a lot of parents doing these days, never get "cool" with his use. You have much more impact than you think in his thinking, so hang lovingly but firmly onto your convictions here.
Good luck and please keep us posted.

[chris5257]

Dr. Bradley,

I feel like I should call you Mike because you don’t know it, but through your book you are one of our best friends – great sense of humor. Anyway, we are hoping to make the evaluation part of his court ordered consequence for the underage drinking charge. Today after a rocky start I had a discussion with him about his alcohol and pot use. I have to share some of it with you. He said he really doesn’t drink any more than we do – we’re social drinkers (a glass of wine at a party). He said that pot is actually an herb – he doesn’t enjoy the high as much as he enjoys smoking it – “like a fine cigar.” I just listened then told him I was still extremely concerned about his use, but I appreciated him sharing his feelings with me and that I loved him and would always be there for him. We ended in a hug and he told me not to worry about him.

Okay, I think I did a pretty good job of being dispassionate and communicating, but I certainly DO NOT FEEL BETTER. I know this isn’t about me, but I’m so upset I can’t eat or sleep and after that conversation I don’t see any relief in sight. From your experience give me some insight into what is going on in his head. How do we parents cope? I just feel totally helpless and it seems like we’re not doing enough. IT WAS A LOT EASIER TO JUST GROUND THEM – then you knew where they were and what they were doing at least for a while, but it’s obvious that won’t work now. Just give me some words of wisdom to keep me afloat.

Thanks

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Chris,
Perhaps the toughest part of parenting adolescents is learning that we can't control them any longer, that instead we have to help them learn to control themselves. This means that they will sometimes have to screw up to learn some things, just like we did. The game is to try and limit the damage from the screw-ups as much as we can, and TEACH versus PUNISH.
As I suggested previously, an adolescent shrink will explain the science of teen drug use to your son, showing how his developing brain (which continues growing until at least age 21) is much more vulnerable to the addictive effects of drugs than is the adult brain (people who start drinking at 14 have twice the risk of addiction as do those who start drinking after 21). This is why we tell 18-year-olds that they are not yet ready to drink like adults do. Keep dispassionately conveying your position on teen drug use. These "upsetting" conversations are tough on you but are great for your son. They give you the chance to keep him thinking as he makes up his mind (and forms his identity) about drug use.
Beyond this, Chris, I'm afraid that you'll have to wait this out and have some trust in the apparent excellent job you did in raising your son. The odds are huge that this will only be a mild experimentation phase for him, one that you must lovingly ride out just as you did with toilet training. That was also a time where you calmly showed him a better way to do things, and patiently waited for him to "get it."
Good luck and please let is know how things go.