The effects of madating?? . . .

[Harbor Mom]

I just finished your book last night. I have a 17 year old son with whom I have done everything – just about – in your book that you have said NOT to do. My ex-husband and I adopted him when he was 3 days old – divorced when he was 8 years old (partially due to alcoholism) – and I tried to make up for the life with 2 parents he would never have by being too lenient – giving him everything he wanted that I could afford, etc. When things seemed to be getting out of control – I began mandating – and not even consistently . . . so now I have a very angry child who wants to live with his birthmom in Texas. (We live in Washington). He is currently in his 3rd outpatient treatment for pot and alcohol – which he needs to attend to be allowed back into his alternative school in the fall. (yes I shuddered when you talked about really weighing if treatment would help in your book . . .) He should be a senior in the fall but only has enough credits to be a 1st semester junior. He has inattentive ADD and refuses to take medication. He is verbally abusive to me and his 14 year old brother and physically abusive to his brother (his brother tries to stay with friends vs. them coming here). He has frequent “rages” – not so much hitting me as throwing things, swearing, name calling, etc. I have filed an “at risk youth petition” with the juvenile courts because he ignored curfew and most any other house rules we had – and that has worsened our relationship also. I didn’t know how else to keep him safe knowing that the nights he spends overnight with friends are the worse “using” nights. Your reference to discipline vs. punishment – I messed up on that one too probably by filing the petition. I have taken him to a psychiatrist, counselor and psychologist and he refuses to go back to any of them. The counselor just told us this was typical teenage mother/son relationship stuff – and he would continue seeing us but didn’t think it was necessary. This was after the 1st session which he spent mostly with "Joe" - which gave "Joe" a good out. His drug/alcohol counselor is ready to refer him to inpatient for 28 days – insurance is working on it. The only way I can inconsistently get him to outpatient is with bribing/threats, etc. My belief is that until he stops using – we can’t deal with any of the pain that is causing him to choose to use – and he has had plenty of stuff thrown at him that is not his fault – from the divorce to his father moving 8 hours away and being a pretty absent dad, etc. Do you agree with getting him “clean and sober” is the most important thing to do right now . . . Our relationship is so far gone at this point that even as I try to deal differently with him – he just says - “that sounds like you got it out of a book” . . . but I keep at it. So now I am just trying to save my son and feel our relationship may not ever be what I want it to be. BUT is that what is most important right now? I know he has to WANT to get help – and at this point he has told his drug/alcohol abuse counselor that he wants to continue to use and that it isn’t a problem. As you can see, I am very confused and frightened. I am a special ed teacher and am off for the summer also, and want to make the most of this time off to help "Joe" in the best way for him. When he is around my friends – he is delightful . . . Any thoughts, suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I adore this kid – and am also terrified for him.

Harbor Mom

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
I would disagree that your son's behavior is just typical mother/son stuff. The description you provide makes me wonder if there is some as yet undiagnosed psychiatric disorder, possibly a type of bipolar problem. These kids often are much like your son, raging, unimpressed by legal interventions, uncooperative with treatments, and heavily drug-involved as a means of self-medicating. If that is true, drug rehabs will do little good (and can do harm) until the underlying psychiatric issue is treated.
The thing to do is to try and get your kid to develop a relationship with a counselor he likes and trusts who might be able to convince "Joe" to cooperate with treatment. Unfortunately that does take some time. but I see few other options short of throwing him out of the house.
See if the legal folks might not mandate family and individual counseling for "Joe" as a condition of probation. The family work should be to negotiate some basic rules to keep things safe until the counselor can convince "Joe" to get the psychiatric help he likely needs.
Hang in there, and keep us posted.

[Harbor Mom]

Dear Dr. Bradley,
I so appreciate your immediate response. I discussed your reply with “Joe’s” father and we think you may be right about the possibility of “Joe” being bi-polar (or another psychiatric disorder) and is self-medicating. What has happened since I wrote a few days ago is that I hadn’t heard from “Joe” in over 24 hours so called him in as a runaway and filed for a pick up order. When “Joe” did come home after about 36 hours – the police came, handcuffed him and took him to the juvenile hall. I, of course, was crying and “Joe” was shaken to say the least. I cried most of the night and questioned what I did. As the policeman was taking him out I hugged him and told him I loved him. (of course he pulled away). Since this was Friday night – he has to stay there until Monday (tomorrow) at 1:00 when we go to court – I thought it would just be an overnight thing. Anyway – the plus of this – which I know it is too early to tell – is that “Joe” is pretty shook up, to say the least – is afraid he won’t get out on Monday – and was ready to discuss options to his behavior when I visited him - at his own initiatve. (he thought since I called the police I was also kicking him out for good . . . thought about where he would live all day . . .) He has agreed to go to his psychologist on Wednesday (I was going to go alone just for support for myself), work with the psychologist to set up house rules that we will both respect, continue to see him and follow his recommendations, etc., stop using and even go camping with the family next week. I don’t want to be too optimistic – but he gave me the longest, tightest hug both Saturday night and tonight when I had to leave – and told me he loved me without me saying it first. He even had plans of what he wants to do as far as school goes in the fall. He usually told me it was none of my business. I am amazed at how strict this juvenile facility is – not sure what I expected – (they wouldn’t give him a pillow until the second night, hasn’t been allowed outside at all, has to be in bed by 8:00 while the other kids are up watching TV until 10:00 because he is new and hasn’t earned points, etc.) and I am also fearful that he won’t be released tomorrow . . . But I am going to ask the judge if he will make counseling part of the court order – just in case I need that to keep “Joe” going to this psychologist and getting the help/treatment he/we need/s (as you suggested). Watching him walk down the hall for visitation with a jumpsuit on and plastic flip flops was such a heart wrenching experience. During the hour visit both nights I just kept telling him I loved him and that he was too important to me (and the world) to let his self-destructive behavior continue. If I hadn’t read your book last week I probably would have kept yelling at him, demanding apologies, etc. – so thank you. Calling the police is the hardest thing I have ever done – and it is too early to tell what the full ramifications will be of it – but I felt like I had part of my son back for the first time in a long, long time. He really is a great young man . . . and I feel more prepared for his return home after reading your book – that was perfect timing. I also went down and talked to his best friend after I visited my son. I had kicked him out of my house for smoking pot long ago. I talked to him and his dad about my concerns and found out that he, too, is concerned about him. I welcomed him back into my home and I would have never done any of that if I hadn’t read your book. Thank you so much for your book – and for your quick reply. You may have helped save my precious son and our family.

Appreciatively,
Harbor Mom

[MLL]

My story isn't exactly the same, but I want you to know how I feel for you. Our 14yr old son, has been treated for depression for over a yr now. But we do think he may be bi-polar as well. We actually have a better relationship most of the time than you might think. But in a rage, he has come way to close to the edge too many times. He has slapped me twice, ( the shame in his eyes the 2 times that happened were so heartbreaking. ) the first time was almost a year ago, and then again several months ago, when he was just plain having a tantrum. But at over 6 ft, that just is not acceptable.

We (my husband has been quite supportive, though we have very different styles) have honestly reached the point where we can face the possibility that he may not be able to live in our house unless he can control himself.

Words just can not express what it feels like to really understand that will be able to follow throught with that. ( I just couldn't find the entry in the Baby Book for "first trip to the ER for overdose". ) But you are not alone, and you sound very strong.

It is hard for us to understand how much is illness and how much he really "can" control. He is a junior counselor at camp, and they love him. They have given him more responsibilities since he is so easy to work with and loves working with the kids. I asked him, "so nothing P__es you off at camp???? " How do you stay in control there? He told me if he didn't they'd fire him. It gave me a great opportunity to explain how similar that was to our feelings about his control (or lack of control) at home. You can't ever be fired from our family. But you might have to live somewhere else for awhile.

The upside that I "think" I see, is that my son can read me like a book. I know that if I have come to terms with the fact that he may have to live elsewhere. He knows it too !!!

He has always been able to tell when I'm what I call "speaking from strength". And I did a lot of that after first reading Dr Bradley's book. ( think I even got the "you sound like a book" comment too :)

So hopefully he can control it, and it isn't medical and beyond what the medications can help with. But at some point you have to decide to survive.

There are 4 people living in our house. Our job is to see that they all do well.


Hang in there, I honestly believe that every time you tell him you love him and he really hears you, you are moving forward, babysteps to be sure but forward.

I'll be thinking of you.

[Harbor Mom]

Thank you for your reply “MLL”. I knew I was being too optimistic once “Joe” came home from detention . . . me, the eternal optimist. As of this date “Joe” still has not seen a counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc. – although I went to a psychologist by myself a couple weeks ago when he wouldn't go. He basically said . . . if he doesn’t want help there is nothing I can do – and basically what you said – I need to be sure “all” of us are doing well. And that I may have to ask him to leave at some point . . . I received a call Monday that my insurance had approved inpatient (up to 28 days) – and I am not sure that is the route I should push with “Joe” – especially when Dr. Bradley felt it may make things worse. (would really like to hear more details of that). But I feel it is my only option at this point. He also continues to refuse to take his meds (anti-depressant) – so don’t know if that would help but won’t even try. He has agreed to go to the 2 day intake days – and hopefully I will also get a feel for whether this is something we should pursue – in the state of Washington – he cannot be made to stay so it is his choice if we leave. He is continuing to smoke pot – and drink – but mostly pot. Hopefully I can get him in the car at 4:00 AM tomorrow when we need to leave home. “Joe” tells me that all teenagers make poor choices . . . he can’t see that his go a bit deeper. I do have a psychiatrist appointment set up for him . . . if he doesn’t stay at inpatient treatment – but at some point . . . just hope we never get to that point. The psychologist said he really needs to buy into mental health treatment because it could take awhile to figure out what is going on. But for now – we’ll give inpatient a try . . . it does scare me though when Dr. Bradley says it could make things worse . . . has anyone out there have experience with inpatient drug and alcohol treatment for their teenager??

Thanks again for your reply and support.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
If your son refuses all other treatment, then I would agree that the rehab is your only option. At least there they will likely do a thorough evaluation where they might confront your son with the need for medication and treatment. But be sure that the rehab you choose does not maintain an anti-medication philosophy as many rehabs do. The literature is quite clear in proving that a combination of talk therapy along with appropriate medication is the most successful treatment plan for kids like your son.
Continue getting guidance from the psychologist you are seeing. If your son refuses this latest treatment, it might be time to set treatment cooperation as a condition of staying in your home. While it is possible (or probable) that your son will not stay at the rehab for treatment, the information he gets there will be a few more "bricks in the wall" towards his eventual awareness that he has a serious problem beyond making bad choices.
Hang in there. Please remember that these interventions are often long, tortured journeys that finally lead a child to accept the help he needs. Keep up with the "love you, worried about you messages." Your connection with him is his lifeline.
Stay in touch.