Following Rules

[rojo7]

I am a parent of a 14 year old who has always pushed the boundaries if there was grey area but generally followed the rules once they were clearly communicated. (in school mostly, didn't really have many rules at home). Now, it seems that he feels if he doesn't agree with one of our rules (we told him he couldn't IM or communicate with a 19 year old with whom he had a cybersex relationship) he doesn't have to follow it...just find a way around it. I have caught him in this & am at a loss at how to deal with this. He did it once before & we took away computer priveleges but that doesn't seem (obviously) to have been more than a temporary inconvenience. My goal is for him to understand that he can argue with a rule but ultimately must live by it. I am worried about what the future holds if he doesn't "get this". Perhaps we erred in laying down this rule but were concerned about who this 19 year old person was & what might happen if not stopped. Any thoughts or suggestions???

[rojo7]

more information on my 14 year old...now I learn (not from him) that he thinks he is bisexual. And that alot of the people he chats with online are gay or bisexual...people he met though a forum for people interested in Japanese anime. This is how he met the 19 year old he was having inappropriate chats with. I am wondering also how to deal with this. I reread the part of Dr. Bradley's book about how your child's peers don't influence him to do / be a certain way but more that he tries to fit in with a group of people like him. Help!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
You must move ASAP to stop the communication between your son and the "19-year-old" cybersex partner. This has nothing to do with gay versus straight sex and everything to do with predation. Far too often, "19-year-old kids" on the 'Net turn out to be 39-year-old sexual predators, gay or straight.
Start by negotiating this out with your son. If he can agree, and you can trust his word (with supervision or software), that is best. If he refuses to stop "chatting" with his 'Net sex friends, then you must get radical and lose your computer 'Net service. This is one of those few non-negotiable limits you must place on a teen.
Re read the book chapter on teen sexual development. As you'll see, many kids feel same-sex attractions for a period of time but that does not define their ultimate sexual orientation. Get your son to a shrink to talk out his sexual feelings before he acts them out.
Finally, have the shrink assess how your kid is doing generally. Might he be hiding out from real life interactions by engaging in this 'Net stuff? The best antidote for destructive teen behavior is feeling good and reasonably competent about dealing with "real" life.
Please keep us posted.

[rojo7]

We had already told our son that he was to have no contact with his 19 yr old cybersex partner...that was one of the rules he broke! I believe that has stopped but he still has trouble with the concept that he has to follow rules he thinks are stupid.
He definitely used the Net to escape real life interactions...because they are hard and he often gets picked on at school or in different activities (sometimes because he unwittingly draws attention to himself because he can be loud :& has ADD and sometimes just because he isn't cool). We are trying to enforce a limit of computer & video game time & insist on involvement in some school activity. I don't know how to get him to a shrink to discuss sexual feelings or how he does with real life interactions since he HATES talking about things. We have a great one that he went to after he took off for a few hours 2 years ago. His problem is he tends to run away from issues instead of trying to deal with them...by literally running away / quitting (clubs, sports, etc) or figuratively running away. Any other thoughts are welcome!!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
For now I'd focus exclusively on trying to get your son back in that "great" shrink's office. Give whatever you can in that negotiation (increased privileges, freedom, on so on) and be sure to not forget to offer to bribe him to go. Most teens "hate" talking about themselves and the shrink will likely be able to get him past that.
Try a short-term contract where he agrees to 4 or 6 sessions to see if HE thinks the counselor is helpful to him.
Be like the good salesperson who keeps patiently and calmly calling, knowing that one day he'll make the sale. Your son is dealing with a whole lot. He likely knows that a shrink could help, but he understandably doesn't want any more intrusions into his life (he hates rules). Hopefully he will come to see the shrink not as an authoritarian rule-maker, but as his confidant.
Good luck!