Missing my family

[DoDaMa]

While I was away on a business trip, my 14 yr old son was allowed to have access to the house while his Dad was at work. (Grandparents live just behind our home.) He made huge messes and basically showed that he was not responsible enough to be trusted alone at home.

The other night my husband told him that he would no longer be allowed at home alone because he could not be trusted. My son got very angry and really let go on his Dad. He said some unbelievable things that no child should ever say to a parent. My husband got very upset (hubby is bipolar and has had anger issues before) and grabbed my son in such a way that scared me. It went no further than that, but my husband told him to leave and not come back. He basically threw our 14 yr old son out of the home. My son is now living at his grandparent's home across the yard.

This is tearing me apart in side. I feel so torn between them. I want my son home. I know if I tell him to come back, my husband will feel I am undermining him. My son is safe were he is, but he's not happy. He realizes he was wrong but won't apologize to his father. His father will not make any effort to mend the situation. I have spent much of my time today trying to reason with my husband and make him see how damaging this can be to a teen.

Tonight my son came home to get a few things but would not come inside. He spoke to me outside and was obviously angrier today. He tried to guilt me into getting him a gym membership because he can't come in the house to use his weight bench. He said he hates his Dad and doesn't care how this is affecting his younger brother or me. He thinks if he apologizes, his Dad will not accept the apology. (There have been other difficult times between them and his father has never been a big help in the parenting department.)

It's just one big mess and I'm stuck in the middle of two very stubborn males. One bipolar and one teen who by definition from your book is a crazy teen. HELP!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
I'm so sorry that went down like that. As you correctly note, you're seeing "maleness" at it's worst. Did your husband read my book as well? If not, ask him to. For I share his disability in responding to teen rage. It's so hard to not do the "tough guy" routine when our sons get in our faces. Us dads think we're being cowards if we don't respond to anger with anger. It's partly our biology and partly our training.

For now, I'd suggest allowing both sides to cool down for a few days. Luckily, your son is near and safe. So relax. This will likely not last forever. After a couple of "stomp around and mutter" days, both sides will likely start to miss each other and want to make it better. The bad news is that your husband must be the bigger person and reach out to his son without demanding apologies, but rather by apologizing for losing his own cool. Your husband can teach your son a lot by being tough enough to apologize to a son who was disrespectful! Re-read the apology commandment in the book. If the father can find the strength to do this, the son will be awed by the old man's power.

Finally, you might try writing each of them a letter, reminding them of their bond, of the good things they've shared that cannot be destroyed by one fight. Ask how each will feel if they allow this stupidness to split them forever. Tell your husband that I always think ahead to being on my death bed, and wondering how I will feel then about what I'm about to do tonight. It helps me see what's really important.

Good luck and keep us posted.
Mike Bradley

[DoDaMa]

After a few "stomp around and mutter" days, my husband agreed that my son should come home. I don't know if it was because he had given the matter some thought, or if he was tired of seeing my swollen eyes. He never formally told my son to come back. My son just came back because his Grandmother told him he could. Once he was home they both seemed to not know how to approach the whole apology thing. Finally my husband hugged him and told him he loved him. (Sadly, this is not something you see very often between the two of them.)

I had taken the day before this to remind my husband of the tough times he had with his parents during his teen years - including the time that he decided he was running away because he was tired of his mother's rules. I also told him that while I didn't approve of how things went down and I didn't condone what my son had said, I felt he had to be the adult and bridge the gap or risk losing our son forever. He was really unsure how to do this and I offered that perhaps the gym idea might be a good one. Although I hesitated because I didn't want it to seem as though we were rewarding my son's lack of respect, I felt that the gym would be a good method for the two of them to bond more. (My husband has always been very interested in weightlifting and going to the gym and now my son seems to be also very interested.)

So once my son was home, we took the opportunity to go as a family to the gym and check it out. We asked my son if he liked what he saw and if he would be willing to be seen with us in public at the gym since they don't allow 14 yr olds access without an adult. He seemed very keen on the idea and so we joined up.

Since then we have been going to the gym at least 5 times per week as a family. My son is enjoying the benefits of health. My husband is finally working out again after about a 2 yr absence. And I am joining in to encourage everyone to keep going. I see them talking more and that alone is worth the soreness I feel after a workout.

I know this is not the end of our problems and that there will probably be many more battles, but I feel we made it over a very large hurdle. Hopefully my son sees his father differently as a result.

Thank you Dr.Bradley

[Mike Bradley]

Dear "Mom",
Thanks so much for your update. You made my day likely along with many other readers who will share your joy and perhaps take some confidence for their own teen struggles. If it's OK with you I'd like to use your anonymous story for our newsletter. I think that you were so masterful in your response to your husband and son that other parents would greatly benefit from your words. Please let me know if that's OK with you.
Thanks so much,
Mike Bradley

[DoDaMa]

Certainly Dr.Bradley! I hope this really will be helpful for other parents of teens. And thank you for taking the time to reply to me and give me advice.