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sjones214
09-10-2004, 08:01 PM
Yes, there is a situation between my 19 year old son and my husband that is driving me crazy! My son wishes to get a degree in Computer Art and Game Design. So, needless to say, he is always on a computer that he built and paid for himself. The problem comes into play when my husband, who works shift work wants to go to bed (9:00-10:00 pm.), he thinks everybody else should also. He also keeps trying to put into place a rule that there will be no computers at all on a school night.

My thoughts are, if the grades are good and the homework is done, our son should be allowed to play on nights when he doesn't have to be at school until 11:00 am. He is doing 12-16 hours of classes this semester and works two student worker positions on campus. His problem is that time goes by without any thought when he is on and sometimes will be up until the wee hours of the morning. On those occasions, his keyboard and mouse have been taken away by me.

As you can probably see by now, my life has become utterly miserable, as I am trying to go to school myself for a degree as an Office Technology Specialist, so I am often on the computer quite late myself doing homework.

The three of us just are not mixing well in our house these days and are looking for some kinds of suggestions from anybody as to how to handle this situation.

We were hoping to send our son off to college, where we were hoping he would at some point acquire a sense of responsibility for himself and those around him, but my husband just received word that he may be getting laid off towards the end of January. So, we are not sure if that aspect will work out. Do you see my dilemna? If so, any suggestions?

Mike Bradley
09-13-2004, 03:28 PM
Dear Mom,
Please ask your husband to read some of the difficult stories posted on this site, and then ask him if he wants to spend time fighting with such a wonderful 19-year-old over bedtimes. Suggest that Dad think about the day when he will be waving goodbye to his son as he drives off to the military or to college. Then, how will he wish he had spent the time he has with his son now?
I just got off the phone after attempting to console a mom whose 15-year-old daughter committed suicide a few days ago. Whenever I have these horrifying experiences, it helps me see just how stupid most of the fights are that I start with my own kids. Messy rooms, bedtimes, and middle school grades suddenly reveal themselves as the second priority issues that they truly are, things not worth going to war over. There are lots of safety nets to catch kids who have messy rooms and poor grades. There are no nets to catch children who lose their loving connections to the hearts of their parents.
What to do? Get to the coffee shop and NEGOTIATE some bedtime time limits that everyone can live with (negotiate means that both sides compromise, especially Dad). Nineteen-year-olds are old enough to start to take charge of their own bedtimes and schedules. If your son makes mistakes and stays up too late, he will learn over time how to self-regulate more. Remind Dad that the job of a parent is NOT to control a child, but to TEACH a child to control himself.
Then get back to the business being a loving family, and enjoy the precious time that you guys have together.
Be well,