Newbie with a 17 year old son

[sherrie]

Hello, just found this forum, and am excited to be here. I have read your book, and it is something my husband and I wished we had had a few years ago, when our children were smaller, to gear us up for what lay ahead. We have a 21 year old daughter, who is doing well in college, and we just had the typical moodiness, etc. with her. On the other hand, we also have a 17 year old son who has been a constant source of worry for a while now. If you don't mind, I will give a little history.
Our son has always done well in school, played some sports, etc., until he entered the 8th-9th grade. He lost interest in sports, and his grades at school started a gradual decline. About 6 months ago, he told me that he felt like he was suffering from depression. I explained to him that some of that is typical normal behavior for teenagers, but if he felt like he needed to that we would provide counseling for him. He was not ready to do that, so it was left at that, with me asking him periodically how he was doing. Sometimes he felt better, sometimes worse. This past summer we found out that he had started smoking pot. He has been smoking cigarettes for about a year now. We talked with him, discussed the dangers, and our concerns. He promised he would stop, telling us we could drug test him anytime. We found no evidence until recently. He started school this past August, as a senior. He has now decided that he would like to drop out, get his GED. And since this has not been an option for his dad and I, he is now purposely flunking out of school. He skips frequently, doesn't turn in any work, etc. When asked about it, we were told that he didn't want to finish the year, and that we could make him go, but that he wouldn't do the work. He admitted smoking pot again and drinking some alcohol. He doesn't have any goals, shows no motivation for anything. He claims that he doesn't care about anything. We told him last week that he needs to go to counseling, for depression and substance abuse, and he said that he wouldn't talk, that we would just be wasting our money. At this point in time, we absolutely don't know what to do. We try to be patient, spend time with him, talk with him. We told him that we love him, worry about him, want to help him, but we don't know what to do for him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
After browsing these forums, I find it sad that there are so many parents dealing with issues at these, but at the same time, it is comforting to know that we are not alone. Thanks again, Sherrie

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Sherrie,
Sorry for the delay in writing back.
For now focus ONLY on getting him to see the shrink for one session. Tell him that, drug use aside, everything else is negotiable IF he will involve a counselor in helping you all sort things out.
Offer to bribe him to go one time just to see what it is like. Many therapists get mad when I suggest that but, about 90% of the time I have found that kids agree to come back, even though they only came in the first time to collect a bribe (psychologists like to call these incentives). Often they know that something is wrong, and they want help, but they need the bribe as an excuse to come in. Even if they don't immediately return, they at least know that shrinks aren't so scary, and thus might use us in the future.
By the way, don't get too dug in on the GED idea. I've seen many kids go that route only to get mad at themselves later, go to community college, and then move on to whatever they want. Losing his high school diploma would be bad. Losing your connection to his heart because of a war about school would be worse, particularly with drugs around. As you've seen, like the bumper sticker says, "They can make me go to school, but they can't make me learn." Don't fight battles you can't win, like forcing learning. The possible depression and drug use are the fights you MUST win. Use your ammo there.