curfews

[Kate]

What do other parents do with curfews? My son is attending AA meetings, which is of course good, but the hours have been late, even midnight during the week and on the weekends it can be until the wee hours of the morning. He is only 16...has anyone else had this problem, where he tells us we are not being supportive?

We need our sleep...and really he needs his even more.

HELP!

[Kate]

Right after I posted that, he called (after band practice) to ask if he could go to an 11 pm meeting! It is already 10 minutes past his curfew of 10:30. He does not have school tomorrow, but we have to go to work. I gave the phone to my husband, who told him no and to come home. This is what happens; I have given in too many times and we agreed that Dad can be The Enforcer, as my son tries to get to me by telling me how much he needs the meetings, i.e. if you don't let me go I'll use and abuse again.

We are grateful he is going to AA, but feel like there is something wrong with this picture. He has not been perfect, either, so we aren't always sure if he is telling the truth.

[Kate]

We start pretreatment next week, but I would love to hear from someone if they have any similar issues. Last weekend we let him spend the night with the boy next door (also a really nice young man who has recently completed the pretreatment program) and it turned out they spent the night at an older boy's apartment (20's, college student). He told us himself about it later, and did not understand why we were upset. He is almost 17 but still part child and I want to keep some control over his whereabouts. Last night when he complained that not going to these late meetings will send him back to using again, I told him (actually sort of yelled) that we would just ground him and take away the car , then, if he could not respect the generous curfew we already give him. He was pretty quiet after that; I don't get upset like that too often and we both felt bad.

I'm right, aren't I? We can't sleep until he is home - and he missed school one day last week because he was too tired to get up. Then, his grades suffer because he misses or does not turn in assignments.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Kate,
For now, negotiate a TEMPORARY agreement with your son to keep things calm and safe until you guys get into treatment, where you can more fully explore these issues. Perhaps offer a later cufew one or two nights in return for his agreement to honor curfew and be where he promises. Both sides might be more flexible if you don't feel like you are setting up "forever" rules. Try to avoid big showdowns that might risk him refusing therapy. Don't lose that long-term gold for a short-term curfew win.
Hang in there. It sounds like you guys are close to a happy ending after some terrible times.