Uncle HELP

[Kate]

My brother (48) gave my 14 yr old pot, took him drinking and smoking. This happened many times. I read my son's conversations on the computer. When confronted, now 16, son admitted all. Uncle has been trying to get his life back in order, going to church, etc. Since he told the truth, and apologized to us, we have been letting uncle back into lives slowly. We do not like him around, but my elderly mother lives with us and he picks her up every Saturday and takes her to church, shopping, whatever they want to do. I had uncle over for dinner Tuesday when my older son came home from college (older son can barely stand uncle) and I wanted to see how it would work before attempting Thanksgiving. Uncle behaved well with older son but I found out he said to my younger son "One day I will forgive you for being a narc". My husband and I are ready to ban him from our lives forever, as my other siblings have already done.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
I'd tell your brother that for now, he may visit his nephews only with supervision from others you trust. His "two-strikes" behavior is over-the-edge for someone his age, and I'd be very direct about that.
I'd also explain this to your kids. Banning him forever might increase his stature in a rebellious 14-year-old's eyes. If this were my family, I'd probably pen up my rage and invite uncle to Thanksgiving dinner. The idea is to let your son see him for what he is in the light of day, as opposed to sneaking out to see his exciting uncle at night at some point. This might be important learning for your all of your kids.
Good luck and please let us know how dinner goes.

[Kate]

I did not make the situation clear enough, trying to make it short I suppose. Sorry! I only have two boys; the 19 yr old is fine (very religious, becoming independent, does not like to have uncle around as uncle is rather poorly behaved).
The 16 yr old USED to think uncle was cool, but since starting AA meetings and really seeing how uncool it was for my brother to lie to us over the last few months (when caught he said my son was lying as long as he could until finally confessing the truth). It has sort of served as a horrible example of what happens when you lose your life to drug and alcohol addiction. My brother has not much of a life and he will really be devastated that I am mad at him again. My other brother and sister won’t have anything to do with him. He only has my mother (which is why they go out every Saturday night). I hate to send him back to his old friends and his old ways, but I can’t have him keep ruining my family times, especially after how much he has hurt my son. We warned him that he had to behave – I think in his mind he is still on a different level with my son, thinking of him as a contemporary rather than a nephew. He has way more than two strikes, also. We have had several conversations with him about many different unacceptable behaviors. He can be really good sometimes but it is like having another kid around, but a dangerous one. I really think as painful as it is, we have to keep him away, except for picking up and delivering my mother as she would not stay here if he could not do so; and she has nowhere else to go. I actually wish she did, I really am sick of having to deal with this. There isn't much chance anymore that my son will think he is cool. I believe my son is already more mature than my poor brother will ever be.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Kate,
I have no easy answer for you on this one. If you believe that your son sees Uncle for who he is, then congratulations! With your son you've done a great job. Since he seems immune to Uncle, then your question is more about your own feelings of anger and frustration.
Your heart must tell you what to do about cutting off your brother. But I have two thoughts to put in front of you.
The first is what do you want to teach your son about tolerance, especially in the face of provocation? What are the limits of family love, particularly for diseased folks like your brother. What lessons do you want your son to learn if, God forbid, he has a child who inherits your brother's addictive genetics? How far would you want him to go to maintain some connection with your sick grandchild?
My second thought is a personal one I use when I get so fed up with someone that I want to cut him off forever. I picture myself at that person's funeral, staring at the coffin. I ask myself how will I feel then about what I am about to do tonight? That often helps me see the things that are truly important in this life. And for me, forgiveness ranks way up high with the best.
Be well, and have a peaceful Thanksgiving.

[Kate]

Good advice. I do love my brother; I know he regrets his past mistakes and would be very lonely without us. We had a long talk and I think he is finally getting away from drugs and perhaps is on his way to being a member of the family again. Uncle is planning to apologize to nephew tonight; hopefully we can still have a good Thanksgiving with everyone there. No instant mending but we have a chance at being a happy family.

I'll let you know how Thanksgiving goes. We are thankful for you and your website which brought me needed advice and comfort. You have been a tremendous help to a family that has seen a lot of pain for several years now.

Kate

[Kate]

We are doing better. Son has been substance free for a month, and has admitted everything (some of which has been pretty hard for me to hear). My brother is very sorry; has been a changed man since all this came about. I have high hopes that he might get a normal life (he says it is hard to learn how to be an adult when you are 48).

There are still problems but I guess we are okay.

[Kate]

My brother is still doing well; attending daily Mass and truly a changed man. My son, however, went today to a rehabilatation facility (at least he wanted to go) because he is still using despite the pretreatment program he has been through. He will be in for a minimum of three months. I have withdrawn him from high school and can only hope that he is able to survive all this.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Kate,
At the risk of telling you what you likely already know, please be sure to now put all of your energy into telling your son how much you love him, and how proud you are that he is taking this next step. Be very sure that he sees you separating his disease of addiction from the worth of his soul, or heart, or whatever concept of essential self your family uses. Feeling loved, worthwhile, and connected are very powerful weapons in the fight for sobriety. Arm him as best you can.
Please keep us posted.

[Kate]

My son is now 6 weeks into treatment. We have been able to visit him once (it’s a 6 hour drive, one-way). He is being an excellent “patient?” – completing goals early and working his AA program. He told us that Uncle is an issue – that his presence hurt his recovery (he isn't around more than once a week or so, but maybe that is too much) – so I am trying to figure that out. I know we are lucky parents, he’s alive, and he is cooperative and knows he needs help…but I sure cry a lot. It’s really hard to accept all this. The stress, the financial burden (insurance is supposed to kick in some), the dissection of our lives to try and figure out how to live once we get him back – it’s really tough.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Kate,
A long time ago when I was a young lieutenant in the Army in a bad situation, feeling very sorry for myself, my commanding officer saw the look in my eyes, smiled and said, "You know, Lieutenant, no matter what happens here, know that things in your life can't ever get much worse than right now." I thought he was crazy at the time, but now I know what he was talking about. That day was a gift, one I hope to never receive again.
These sorts of times test our souls. They feel like forever, like we'll never survive, and like the sun won't rise tomorrow. But the sun does rise, and we usually do survive, and the storm always passes. And after the storm, no matter how hard things get in life we can always look back and remember a worse time, and then say, "Hell, I've been through worse than this. I'll survive this new stress." That's the gift of tests like yours.
If you think I'm crazy for telling you that, I fully understand. For now, just put one foot in front of the other, and don't forget to count your gifts. For your second gift is the fact that your son elected rehab and is making a fight for his life. Please don't overlook that blessing. There are parents reading your story who so desperately wish that their child were 6 hours away learning to be sober.
Hang tough. Our thoughts are with you.

[Kate]

Actually I don’t think you are crazy, and I appreciate the encouragement, perhaps more than you know. I think the problem for me is my strength wanes – sometimes I can’t take anymore, especially when I feel overwhelmed with the responsibility for my mother and don’t know how to handle someone like my brother. In our pretreatment support group that we still attend there are parents with far larger problems, so I know there are many levels and types of problems with drug addiction. It’s nice to have a forum to share my doubts and hopes and feel as if I am not alone in this struggle. I hope other parents read what I have to say and don't feel too alone either.

[Kate]

We had our first family weekend at the rehab facility. My husband and I were the only happily married couple there. Turns out that all the bad things that I had happen when I was a child, and my dysfunctional family and my husband’s dysfunctional family, along with our moves and other forces beyond our control made our child feel pain that he tried to eliminate by using drugs. It was fairly wrenching. We go again this weekend, and hope to take our older son with us this time. My brother is willing to work out things with my son during counseling locally later. I still can hardly believe that loving our children and trying to give them a good life was not enough….I didn’t realize my problems carried over…I am really sad…the other boys in my son’s group were all greatly affected by their parents fighting and divorces. It was an amazing weekend…I think my son is better but I am really scared for him still.

[anxious]

If you ddn't love your son enough to help him through this... now THAT would be sad.

Hang in there.....

[anxious]

After I posted my reply to you last night, I checked to see what else was new, and saw that at that very time,you were posting a reply to an issue I put out here a few months ago. Hmmmmmm.... we are all connected in mysterious ways, are we not?

Thanks for your reply, hearing from othrs in the same postition always bouys us up a little.

I hope that you are able to get some rest after your emotional weekend.

[Kate]

We had our second family weekend, more distressing than the first. It is good that he is talking but the uncle issue has gotten weirder, not to mention we ended up being blamed for my son's problems - me as a controlling mother and my husband abusive, which is not true. I am glad my older son was there, he was able to talk some with his brother and get things out in the open but also let us know that we had been and still are good parents to both of them. You just feel terrible when your child says bad things about you...my husband was crushed - if anything, we were too nice to my son and let him get away with much more than we should have once the craziness of his using started. I don't understand this at all. I just don't know what is going to become of this.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
We parents are the stage upon which our children must act out their conflicts. What this means is that it is very possible that you were not controlling, and that your husband was not abusive, but that your son "sees it" that way for now. In other words, your son may be "projecting" issues and conflicts from inside of himself into you guys. Remember that recovery therapy is a long-term journey just like growing up.
You guys would likely not have taken it personally if your then 4-year-old son came home from a bad day at school and yelled, "I hate you. You're big meanies." So don't take your son's words as Gospel now. His accusations towards you are likely just the symptoms of his upsetment with himself, and his yet unrealized need to grow up and take responsibility for his own actions.
He will likely soon learn that even if he had controlling and/or abusive parents, that DOES NOT make anyone do drugs. It can be a factor, but it can't be the cause.
Try and find some more of that eternal patience that we parents must show. If your son outrageously accuses you of being lousy parents, just say, "I'm sorry, son. I'm so sad that it feels like that to you. Tell us how we can do better." This will help him to start to realize that his anger is really about him, and not his parents. Plus, over time, this reminds him that you do love him, and that you are big enough to take blame even for things you may not have done. This will increase his love and respect for you, and help anchor him in his quest for sobriety.
Stay in touch, and keep your frosty---in the therapy game, things often look worse just before they get better.

[Kate]

Thank you for those words of wisdom. Of course, you are right and we will have all the patience my son needs to get through this…I hope it will be sooner rather than later as we simply cannot afford much more but we are trying to find some way to keep him in counseling even past the rehab center, like a halfway house, if he is not ready to be back home with us. My husband asked me to print your advice and put in on the fridge – Father’s Day was pretty rough for him and you will never know how much you have helped us – AGAIN – and therefore have also helped our son, who really needs it even more than we do…I did not realize the depth of his troubles - I wish we had taken him to a psychologist when the drugs first started four unbelievable years ago.

[Kate]

My son was due to be released last week – the night before we were going to pick him up they called and said he wasn’t ready. It was a tough call – he actually wanted to come home which surprised me but I think he was thinking more about his peers finding out that he wasn’t leaving after all than his own needs. We told him to stay and that it was for the best – he ended up calling us later and thanking us – what a nice surprise all things considered. Anyway, they want us to visit again so we are heading there this weekend for another family therapy session – oh, joy. I am a little better prepared now and am practicing the words “I am sorry that you feel that way”, and I am trying to remember not to take anything personally. We bring him home with us for a home pass, and on Monday we have a counseling session locally including my brother to let my son confront him and deal with all of that.

[Kate]

We had our session with Uncle –the whole thing was not right somehow, like, what is wrong with this picture? I can’t really explain it; it was just a feeling that nothing was different. My brother said the right things but I don’t think it was genuine. It probably wasn’t – after promising never to use substances around my son and to never lie to us, etc, and getting the counselor convinced that he was supportive of the AA based program, we concluded the meeting. My son told us at home that night that my brother said to him as he left “I guess I won’t be getting high with you for awhile”.

What do you think? My son thinks it was completely unsupportive of his recovery and that maybe Uncle just can’t be around us anymore, at all, but wants to discuss it with his counselor at rehab. My husband wants my brother to drop off the face of the earth, pretty much. He doesn’t think Uncle is off drugs, just being good around us.

I am really tired and don’t think I want my son trying to stay off drugs with my supplier/brother hanging around in the background making his recovery any harder than it already is. Any wisdom available? Thanks…

[Scared Mum]

We have a similar situation going on...it hasn't progressed to the level of your situation but I can understand your pain. My husband's brother (44) is an addict/alcoholic who has been in and out of jail for drugs and abuse. Two years ago when my son was 15 we allowed him to come and stay with us (he had no where to go and nobody wanted him). He swore he wasn't doing drugs and that absolutely not would he do them around my son....yeah right...they used to go for walks to the park and a few times I came home and uncle was sitting having a beer with my son because he didn't want to drink alone. He ended up staying with us for 6 months before my husband threw him out for showing up stoned and verbally abusing me (that was after a few chances). My son says his uncle is a goof and he has no respect for him but...I have my doubts. Since his uncle stayed with us my son started smoking weed on a somewhat regular basis (we are working with my son on this and over the past few months things are better...two steps forward, three steps back). He says it has nothing to do with his uncle but I'm kicking myself for ever allowing his uncle to stay with us. I knew what he was like and I knew that at 15 my son was impressionable but...it was my husband's brother. If I could go back I would never have allowed him in the house. To this day I will not have him in the house or, if we go to visit my husband's family (the live out of town thank god) my son is not to be alone with his uncle. It puts a real strain on the family. My husbands brother (I believe) has a learning disability that was never diagnosed as a child and as he began to flunk school he was drawn into the world of drugs at the age of 12. He still can't read or write and I feel for him BUT my son has to come first. My brother-in-law, despite his problems, is a grown man and his choices are his. My son however, as with yours, is not lost yet and he has to be the focus. Until your son is out of the woods and well on his way to a healthy lifestyle I would not have your brother around (as mean as that sounds). Good luck and I hope it works out for all of you

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Kate,
In situations of recovery, we must always err on the side of safety. Your unease with your brother's promises is a huge red flag that cannot be ignored. You have lots of history with him and likely good intuition. Talk this over with your counselor.
The first year of sobriety is typically the toughest, and often the most critical. Everyday of sobriety becomes a link in the chain of behavior that, like a habit, can gain strength. Therefore I'd look at instituting a "safety period" of at least a year where you ask your brother to not have contact with your son. This would give your son a chance to "put some time together" of sobriety that is the most critical concern right now, more important than any uncle/nephew relationship. As "Scared Mum" put it, your son must come first.
Keep us posted.

[Kate]

My son is coming home tomorrow, hopefully for good (at least until he becomes independent one day, please God). We have a five page contract to help guide him in daily life (recovery, chores, job, and school). I am nervous but so far think that we are going to be okay if we keep going to counseling and AA and Al-anon meetings. There are many different opinions on the contract - last night at our support group a few thought it was too long. I don't think it will solve any problems but I think it might help him because he was never very responsible over the last four years. Any suggestions?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Kate,
I'm not a big fan of lengthy contracts in that I've seen them often become a distraction from the real issues in a family. Usually everyone knows what reasonable rules are without extensive delineation.
I'd suggest boiling your 5 pages down to one and look to terms like cooperation, respect, and honesty. The best contracts are dynamic ones where families meet weekly in counseling sessions to talk out the real issues that lurk beneath things like missed curfews or chores.
The best chore is the one that is performed because the doer wants to help out his family versus fulfill the small print on page four. Contracts don't get that done---therapy can.
Keep us in touch.

[Kate]

Everything is going all right with my son. He is attending his meetings – has two part time jobs, and we are going to see a high school counselor this week. Our main issue now is to deal with my brother and mother – and we have counseling going on to figure out how to handle them. Trust is still a little scary and it’s hard on us to let him go out, but so far he is being responsible. I am having a hard time communicating with everyone right now - maybe just all the stress? Luckily my brother has been out of town for a while.

[Kate]

Scared Mum, you were really helpful and I’m sorry I did not answer you directly. I have had a really hard time with what happened with my brother, and I am learning that some of it is because I never learned how to set boundaries from childhood. I don’t have normal reactions to people who hurt me – I didn’t even know it. I am hoping that with counseling I will understand what to do, and my children will be much better off in their relationships. My husband and I have had a tough time even though my son seems to be doing all right.

[Scared Mum]

I'm glad I was of help and that your son is doing well. Keep focused on your son and keep him safe (your brother is old enough to look after himself).

In our small town we just had a tragedy in which four teens - all friends of my son (2 boys age 19 and 2 girls) were in a pick up truck after drinking. The one boy who was driving rolled the truck and it fell on his best friend (who was in the back of the pickup) killing him. One boy is dead and the other is looking at a long jail term. As mothers of teenagers could there be anything worse?

Hug your boy, he's home, alive and doing well!

take care,