3 Questions

[MLL]

Haven't been here in awhile. My now 15yr old son on meds for depression, possible bi-polar, and ADD seems to be in some ways in a better place this yr (10th grade) His teachers seem to think so. As do his Drs. ( though we not yet ready to decrease any meds)

And a 13yr old ,always been my anchor, is starting along some of the same paths, though it in no way feels like it did when it was depression along with age appropriate mood swings.

My questions:

1. - How do you change your parenting to match the changes in your child, as you see them stronger and able to be more accountable?

I've caught myself saying "You don't have my permission to leave the house. And if you do, I'll ........ I'll....... "
(I'll have to tell you again... ) Which brings me to question 2

2.) Is it honest, useful, or foolish to say, "I'm not sure what the consequences will be if you disregard our rules, but there will be consequences"?

I've done this lately, it seems to slow him down a bit. ( "like what ?") But I honestly can't always think of the right thing in the moment. Last weekend he left. And by the time he had gotten back. I had decided that since the behavior was caused by a phone call from a friend, that the phone was off limits for the rest of the week.

Is it ok, to decide the consequences later in moment of calm.
I always feel that I'm "showing up unprepared" but I think my
reactions are better when I have some time.

3.) What about spyware, that records keystrokes, to review IM discussions, as well as websites?

I have mixed feelings. When things were more crisis level, I thought "all's fair" but never did it, perhaps because I knew I still had mixed feelings, but my 13 yr old is getting into constant IM'ing and though so far, a very steady guy, I'm thinking this something I should do.

I don't know about other houses, but an hour or so of IM'ing (mostly the 15 yr old) can lead to a frantic claim " I have to go help a friend , its desprate, this is more important than my grounding. I'll risk any consequences" (usually ends up no big deal.) But consequences remain.

I admit the IM'ing seems to all be school kids, within walking distance, but the Drama following one of these sessions is incredible. And that is in a house were "Drama Rules".

We are nothing if not dramatic !!

Thanks

Reviewed Post, I think I know answer to the first 2 questions:

"RE-READ THE BOOK !!! But would still be interested in other ideas :)

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
I love it when parents ask a question and then say, "Never mind, I figured out the answer myself." Usually that answer is the best one of all.
Regarding spyware, I may be in the minority of teen shrinks who feel as I do, but without a good cause (such as ongoing serious drug or violence issues) I think that the "gains" of spying on your kid are usually grossly outweighed by the losses. I've read the media stories about how a teen was saved from some fate by his parents spying on him, but what doesn't make the papers are the many thousands of child-parent relationships that get destroyed when we betray the trust of our child. That lack of trust and willingness to invade privacy is such a damaging message to give to a kid, I just can't endorse doing that without a very compelling reason. In my view, preserving that trusting relationship is a much better long-term safety measure than spying on your child.
Sorry. I feel the same temptation to spy on my kids. But before I order the software I always picture my son's eyes when he learns that I thought so little of him that I would spy on his life. So far, that keeps me sane. At least, a little more sane.
Be well.

[MLL]

Thanks Dr Bradley, I guess since I haven't done it, and we've been through some tough issues, I didn't realize how uncomfortable the idea made me. For the reasons you mention.

Also as I said for now, it is clear from the drama and tantrums following TMIM (too much IMing) these are school issues being brought up and discussed much like a conference call.

Sometimes there is value in just knowing something is an option.

Thanks for the help, ( as for questions 1 and 2, I'll assume that, as I thought the answers are in the book(s)

Thanks again for this place to vent !!!!

/mll