behavior viewed with hindsight

[elsie]

I am the author of "disappearing daughter," written in June of this year. Last month, after ending up in emergency mental health for suicidality, my daughter disclosed for the first time that she had been molested by her uncle when she was 7. Now all the perplexing behavior of her past ten years have come to light: the cruel behavior to her sister, the lies and deceit, depression, self-harming behaviors (cutting), alcohol and other drug use, low self-esteem, sexual acting out and the re-enactment of abuse with rape. These are all common consequences of sexual abuse. I am writing to this forum to inform everyone -- to raise awareness about the devastating behavioral fallout of a child's being sexually abused -- in the hope of bringing this issue to light. These kids are not ADHD. They don't have a chemical imbalance. They are in need of TLC, therapy (individual and family) and lots of support. For families that are stymied over what possibly went wrong with their kid -- don't overlook this possibility!

[Hermom]

I know it's been a while since you made this post, but you tapped so deeply into what I am going through that I have to ask for your advise. Dr. Bradley? Maybe you could comment as well.
My 8th grader was showing signs of depression since 6 grade, including becoming "goth" which is not popular among her peers, and has put her at odds with most of her classmates. In seventh grade we discovered she was self injuring, and she also had a brush with alcohol and marijuana. We got her into therapy, where she has been for 9 months, and low and behold, in January she revealed to us that she had been molested by a cousin, at the age of 8. Since revealing this, she seemed to have been improving...happier, more lighthearted. But last night she asked me if she could go to a hospital...that she was afraid she might hurt herself. I asked her if she had more on her mind that what she had already shared, and got a tentative yes. I think she's not comfortable discussing this sex abuse with her current therapist...that she has come to need her approval or something, and is too ashamed to discuss these matters. I asked her if it would be easier to discuss with a stranger...say, another therapist she doesn't know who specializes in sex abuse. She was interested in that idea.
I'm not sure 1. whether an inpatient admission is appropriate and 2. whether it's helpful to change therapists midway through a process. I know, Dr. Bradley, that you can't answer my first question...that I've got to go back to the people who are treating her. But I wonder if you have an opinion about the second question.
Thanks so much for reading this!!!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
On your first question, if you have a good hospital nearby with an adolescent facility, I'd err on the side of conservatism and quickly take her be evaluated for admission. The reason may relate to your second question.
I've had kids hedge for many months without disclosing suspected abuse issues, often because I had inadvertently become an approval/authority figure to them, and they couldn't risk my potential judgement if they told me some secret that they feared could make me reject them (like sexual abuse). If I could not break through that issue, I had to then move them on to another therapist. Because we had done the "ground work", most of these kids could then immediately tell the new shrink what was going on.
Thus your daughter's death thoughts might be her unconcious way of saying that she's stuck, that she needs a fresh face to hear these things she might feel unable to say to her present therapist. The hospital might be where she can safely "let go."
If you can't get an opinion from her therapist quickly, move ASAP to the hospital for an evaluation.
Good luck.

[Hermom]

<<<I've had kids hedge for many months without disclosing suspected abuse issues, often because I had inadvertently become an approval/authority figure to them, and they couldn't risk my potential judgement if they told me some secret that they feared could make me reject them>>>

Yes Dr. Bradley, I"m afraid this is what may have happened. Although it has just been about seven weeks since she made her first revelations about abuse, my gut tells me there is more my daughter needs to get off her chest, and she's stuck.
Thanks so much for your feedback. I LOVED your book, but was completely amazed to discover I could come online and actually have a "consult" with you! Thanks so much!!!!