Raging Bull

[Scared Mum]

I experienced first hand on Saturday night my son's rage. This was new to me and was fueled by my husband's rage. We came home from a dinner out Saturday night to find evidence of drug use and empty beers bottles in our house - but no son. He did show up - on time and within his curfew - but with 5-6 other kids at 1:00 in the morning (he's 17) expecting to continue the party in our basement. I told him no and explained what we found when we came home and how upset we were. He then started ranting and raving about "if we kick my friends out you kick me out".

My husband then lost it and threw them all out. I started yelling not to let my son leave - make him stay (probably a mistake). My husband made him stay alright - had to physically throw him in the house at which point (even though there was no hitting) a pushing & shouting match between my husband and son took place. Evenutally my son went to his room.

A short time later we heard banging in his room and went to check it out. He had jumped out his bedroom window and taken off - it is a 14 foot drop from his window. My husband went out in the car to find him and, literally two minutes after my husband left my son showed up at home..."I only came home for you mum" he cried.

At this point he absolutely lost control. He smashed items in his room, beat up the wall, cried and screamed into his pillow. I didn't know what to do as my husband wasn't home yet. I just kept telling myself (from reading the book) not to get emotional. I just kept telling him "I love you" "You need to calm down" "You are the most important person in my life" "Your father loves you" etc. He finally calmed down and then, after screaming that he hates his father, told me I had to go looking for Dad 'cause he didn't want him out driving in bad weather late at night looking for him. He gave me a hug before he went to bed.

The next morning he was moving out, by lunch time he was only sleeping at our house, he went to a friend's house for the afternoon and by 4pm he called to see if I could pick him up for dinner - he even sat and watched a movie with us. AND gave me another hug and an I love you before he went to bed.

Not sure if I handled the rage properly and if we are in a calm before the storm. Without emotion I explained to him that the 3 of us need to sit down and come up with rules that we can all live with, we want him in the house with us but we will not accept drug use in our home. He said he isn't doing drugs it's his friends - we want to beleive him but it's hard to believe his friends would smoke in our house without him knowing about it. I've told him that the next couple of years are going to be as difficult for both him and I as the day I gave birth to him. I told him that we understand he is struggling to be a man but that he has to understand we are struggling to let him go.

I am so scared that I will end up losing him and that by not reacting properly we are driving him away. My husband did apologize to him for losing his cool and told him that he loved him and it wouldn't happen again. My husband didn't even mention our son's rage.

Did we do the right thing? Is there anything you think we should have done differently? This is the first episode like this and I don't want a repeat - I haven't slept since Friday night (it's now Monday).....

Tired and Scared Mum

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Scared,
My first recommendation is to get some sleep. It sounds as if you all did a great job under terrible circumstances. Sure, as a family you guys made some mistakes, but welcome to the club! The critical thing is that you owned up to your own shortcomings and kept reminding each other that you love each other very much, far too much to let this happen again.
Keep the conversations going. Perhaps schedule a weekly family night out for dinner and a long coffee to keep in touch with each other. Be clear with your son that no matter who is or is not using drugs (to include beer) it is his job to enforce the zero tolerance rule. Explain your legal liability to him that when his friends visit, you parents go on the line for whatever happens in your home. But be sure to keep dispassionately letting him know that ANY drug use is not OK with you. Understand and accept his predictably differing opinion but just calmly note that when he is in his own future home he can then make his own rules on life-threatening activities. But that for now, he'll have to accept your "dinosaur-era" rules on drugs. Just quietly say that you love him way too much to allow him to do something that can end his life, and that you are sorry that you make life so hard for him at times.
And welcome to the "Rage-Survivors Club."

[Scared Mum]

Thanks for the response. I have finally got some sleep although I am sleeping like I have a newborn in the house - any little noise and I'm awake.

I do have to say he has been great ever since (a few moments of attitude but that's normal). He had a hockey game Monday night and it was about an hour drive. Just my son and I went and we had a long talk both there and back. I tried very hard not to be judgemental (how can I - he's not much different than I was at 17) and to get him to do the talking not me. He opened up about a lot of things including drugs (he's tried them but he doesn't like it enough to do it), drinking (he get's his car tomorrow and has promised he will not drink) and his friends (just because they do doesn't mean he will). Now we have to work on his attending school.

Getting the kids to come up with the answers really works. He didn't want to go to hockey Tuesday night ('cause he was tired from Monday's game) - all I said was "The team is counting on you. How would you feel if a key player didn't show up just because he didn't feel like it?" and I left it alone. He went to the game and played great.

BTW - thank God for hockey - it keeps him active and disciplined whether he realizes it or not. A lot of his friends have stopped playing and they are the ones that seem mostly likely to be in trouble. My boy still loves the game.

I wish I had read the book before he turned 13. Actually, a few people at work have pre-teens so I have given them the name of your book and told them to READ IT NOW!!!

I'm sure it won't be easy for the next couple of years, and I'm sure I'll be posting again but it's nice to know that there is a "manual" to follow and a forum to ask questions and vent.

Thanks again.

A Calmer Mum