help - my 17yr old cutting,bulemic highly gifted (aced SAT) won't agree to counseling

[momof3teens]

My daughter is really struggling - exceptionally gifted intellectually and artisticly, yet she is cutting, bulemic, extremely compulsive with regard to eating (rarely eats anything but carbs), generally angry primarily towards me (Mom). She has gone to counseling twice in the past month. First time, with her headphones on and second time (last week) without them. Things were going a bit better (she hasn't offered anything yet that's personal), but at least didn't wear her headphones, until the therapist said that next time I needed to come. That's when my daughter freaked out and said "that's it, now we're done, too late, you've blown it". The therapist stated it was imperative that she meet me (we've only spoken on phone) at a minimum to have me sign documents, but also cuz I'm a central player. My daughter insists that I be totally removed from her therapy (totally unrealistic). Another appointment has been set up and I'm totally at a loss as to how to get her to go. She definitely needs help (before she adds drugs to her list of self destruction). She has her own car which seems to be the only thing I can leverage with any success. I'm open to anything to get her help. I've read "Yes Your Teen is Crazy" and am actively practicing the ideas (as of a week ago - wish I'd know this 3 years ago). Ideas???? Please remember she is unbelievably bright when responding (she can dance mental rings around most!!!) Lucky me!!! Thanks

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
First, congratulations! Your daughter has shown that she DOES want things to get better. And apparently she has "clicked" with the therapist, at least for now. I take it as a grand compliment when my angry clients come to session number two without their headphones on. And then I fully expect them to blow up and look for ways to not have to come back, like when I suggest that perhaps Mom should come in as well.
For now, just go and chat with the therapist. See what she suggests about how to proceed. It might be wise to have your daughter go alone for some time until she feels more able to have you attend. Do not yet threaten the car. See first if she can go back on her own. That's always the best way. If need be, try offering a reward for her attendance. Only as a last resort go to threats about driving.
Try and focus on the positives here. Your daughter is in great pain, but it sounds as if she's close to getting some help. Hang in there, and don't forget to keep telling her that you love her and that you are worried for her. No matter how bright a kid may be, there is no way for her to "dance rings around" those simple, powerful words.
Keep us posted.

[momof3teens]

Thanks, Dr. Mike, for your timely and kind words. My daughter DID go to counseling yesterday and I was already there (signing papers). The visit started off classically with her giving me 'the finger' when I said hello. Her therapist was great, she looked at my daughter and said "nice". Then upon finishing up, when I said "bye" to my daughter, I received "f*** you". As I was leaving I heard her therapist ask, "did you just say f*** you to her?"

Don't know what else was discussed, but her therapist called after my daughter came home (15 minutes BEFORE her 9:00 curfew) and set up an appointment with her for next week. Now here's the really amazing part. At about 9:30pm I went to my daughter's room, knocked and asked her a couple of questions (what time do you need to get up tomorrow?, etc) and she was pleasant!!!! Civil, not reactionary, etc. She was not feeling well as in stomach pain, headache, sore throat and was saying she wouldn't go to school but wanted to me to call at 9:30am to awaken her. Now, let's clarify, I'm totally fine with her taking a day off here and there to sleep and catch up. She's an awesome student and I'm thinking she might just need a mental health day. It's gotta be rough initiating counseling. Anyway, when I let her know that'd I'd be home today and therefore wouldn't need to call her at 9:30 I'd just come up, she said "what the f***?" I, very calmy said "excuse me?" and she then responded "what?" To which I stated I have a week off.

Now, could it be, is it possible, may I hope that somehow the therapist is beginning to connect with her? Am I too hopeful in thinking this (at least for the moment) change in behaviour could be associated with her conversation with her therapist?

She has consistently been horrible to me for some time. I'm crossing my fingers, there may be a distant light ahead?? Too hopeful, or reasonably optomistic?

Thanks. P.S. I devoured both the parent and teen versions. They are truly wonderful and so practicable in daily life. Just wish this were more intuitive. Ugh. Thanks so much for assisting so many of us.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
In this "business" we take things one day at a time, and try and keep our expectations as low as possible. Sure, it's hopeful that your daughter seemed better, but this is often what shrinks call "flight into health" which is a temporary improvement related to the stress relief of surviving the first counseling session.
Just take this as it comes. Try and not get too elated with the good days, or too crushed by the bad ones. Real change takes time and work. But be sure to reinforce (praise) the hell of of your kid when she acts reasonably.
Keep us posted.