Daughter has a "dangerous" friend

[SueIze]

Hi Doctor Mike;

I am a little more than halfway through "Yes..." and am loving it. It's giving me some perspective and a sense of humor at a time when I need it!

Basically, my daughter (13 1/2) is doing OK - just the regular teen crazy that you talk about. My concern is about her friend. This friend has engaged in or talked about risky behavior for as long as I've known her (1 1/2 years). She tells her friends she wants to try drugs, says she wants to lose her virginity, etc. I have tried to help my daughter have some perspective, so her own judgements can control her behavior.

But today she (in tears) told me that this friend told her that she cuts herself and has attempted suicide in the past. Her statement to my daughter was "at least drugs aren't as bad as cutting or suicide."

My daughter didn't want to tell me, and doesn't want to tell a school counselor, because then her friend "won't tell her anything". She wants to handle it herself, but I think (and told her) that this is too big a burden to take on - an adult burden that is too much for a teen. What should she do? How do I help her help her friend? On the one hand she is honestly scared for her friend, on the other hand she doesn't want to make her friend mad.

Thanks for your time!

Sue

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Sue,
Your daughter's dilemma is an epidemic among kids today. In fact in our new book, YES, YOUR PARENTS ARE CRAZY! I spend much time chatting about just this problem. In short, I suggest that kids must learn to love their friends more than their friendships, meaning that sometimes loving a friend means losing their friendship because we "betray" them to keep them safe.
First, try and help your daughter take action herself. Ask questions such as, "Even if you feel there is little risk that your friend might kill herself, can you take even that little risk?" and "If you guess wrong, how will you feel standing beside your friend's coffin? Then, what will you wish you had done now?" If she asks what to do, suggest that she tell her friend that TODAY the two of them must tell the counselor or the parents what's happening, and that she will go with her for moral support (and to be sure that this girl does tell the truth). And if her friend refuses, then your daughter must say that she loves her friend far too much to keep this secret.

If your daughter can't take action, then you must by calling this girls' parents ASAP. Apologize to your daughter for betraying her confidence, but calmly explain that when you love people, you don't take chances with their lives. Tell her even shrinks don't keep those kinds of secrets.

Please move quickly on this and keep us posted.

[SueIze]

Thanks Doctor Mike

I did tell my daughter to try to get her friend to go to a school counselor with her, and will follow up on that again. I didn't push her to go to the counselor alone, or talk about my responsibility to the other parents. But of course, you're right, that's got to be the back-up plan.

Thanks for the quick response. I'll post updates as things change.

Sue

[Hermom]

Just to share the "other parents" perspective...in my daughter's short 14 years, she has also engaged in some dangerous behaviors, including cutting, some dabbling in drugs, threats and/or attempted suicide...and there are several parents in my community who I KNOW are aware of her behavior. I was so disappointed to realize that although there WERE parents who knew, not one of them stepped forward to tell me. I guess I can understand...there are lots of parents who would respond to that kind of news with anger and denial, but I'm not one of them.
I feel that it's selfish of adults to be aware of a child's being at risk and not bring that to the attention of someone who should know...the parent, a guidance counseler...SOMEONE! They just don't want the hassle of becoming entangled in someone else's problems.
Thank God my daughter was honest enough to come to me fairly early on....or I could have lost her.
Not only did the other parents NOT share their knowledge with me, some of them also look down on my daughter now..she has been stigmatized to some extent. Dr. Bradley I'm reminded of your references to parents who haven't reached adolescence yet and look with disapproval at parents who ARE in the throws of adolescent parenting. Only in my case, these parents DO have adolescent children. My daughter is a great kid, and it's a shame that she is judged harshly.