daughter problems

[admin]

Reposted from emailed message:

I have recently read Dr. bradleys book and find his methods wonderful, but it is now 4 am and my 16 year old daughter has not come home. Is this how I post an email to ask for advice? We seem to be doing much of what he has recommended, but things are not going well.

My 16 year old daughter, up until this year was an excellent student, involved in band, and athletics, but very shy and withdrawn. About 4 months ago she started doing some identity exploration, and has now become very outgoing. There have been very many life changes for her since february, my husband and i were working very hard to enlarge our small 2 bedroom house to allow my three daughters to have a little space, During the finish work and the move, my daughters grades fell. She tore an hamstring in track and was out most of the season. She started missing curfew, and had almost an "I don't care attitude." We have tried to work with her in many ways. We negotiate most everything, however we are a bit more strict than most of the parents in our community. We want to know who she is with, and where she is. and have given her a cell phone. she turns it off. Last week my mother passed away. She was a close part of our immediate family, and my 16 year old made the choice to sit at her bedside with me during her last days.

Since that time her behavior is worse. We try to talk with her but she claims we are just trying to control her life and she needs her freedom. Tonight she was to be in at our normal curfew, 12 mn, and is still not home. she is not with the girls she named , I phoned them at 3 am. I do not know where she is and am very sad and worried. I would love to help her but don't know how, since I am still grieving myself.

I think it is time for family counseling but wonder if you have any advice, I am trying to control my anger, but am finding it difficult.

thank you, susan b.

[admin]

Posted for Dr. Bradley:

Dear Mom,
It sounds like your whole family has gotten hammered recently, and your daughter in particular. She's had so much pain & loss in the past four months that I would expect some kind of reaction like the one she's having. She may also be giving you a message that you are too controlling and that she may be due for an increase in autonomy, or at least a discussion about this.
What I would try and not do is give in to my anger (really fear?) and come down hard on her for the infractions. Rather, astound her by telling her how much you love her and how much you are worried about her, and how you cry for all the pain she's had recently. Don't go to war over grades or rules infractions for now. Let her push a bit and see if she calms down. If you get tough with her, you could push her towards the real crazy stuff out there. Above all, stay connected with her. Stay with trying to negotiate on curfew and such but perhaps remove the symbolic control things like the phone demand. Your calm love in the face of her provocations is the best therapy you can offer to keep her safer. Keep us all posted on the website-other parents may have helpful thoughts for you.

--- Michael Bradley

[Susie]

Doc Mike,

After reading this mother's post of 4 a.m with her 16 year old still out and then reading your reply I am a little confused. My children are 10 (girl) and 12 (boy). I thoroughly understand and agree with trying to control anger and sharing how much they love her and worry about her. (I can imagine how hard that would be at 4 a.m.) What confuses me is your suggestion to ease up on the control. I picture letting a 16 year old stay out til midnight as pretty lenient. You mentioned not pushing too hard or she may get into worse things. I may be being naive, but at 4 a.m. and not with her friends sounds like she is already into worse stuff. I just imagine that not having consequences for staying out all night and not having to be accountable (turning off the phone) for where she is will have her ending up pregnant, on drugs, etc. I feel her parents must know where she is and who she is with. If she can't tell her parents where she is and who she is with she may very well already be headed in the wrong direction. I have a lot to learn and may be too overprotective as a parent myself - could you clarify the reasoning on this one. I'm worried what I will do when my kids turn 16. Thanks. Susie

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Susie,
First, an apology. I missed seeing your note on the forum until just doing a review now. I'm so sorry I did not get back to you before.
Each of these situations has to be taken in context of each child. That's what makes parenting such hard work. Yes, a 16-year-old "should" be home by curfew, but the tough question is what do you do when she flat out disregards the rule? If things were calm for this girl, then you could get a little tougher and administer a consequence (such as less freedom) and she might accept that. But this girl was spiraling away from her family after spending days watching a beloved grandmother die. Bigger things were likely going on than just wanting to party. Coming down hard on this particular girl might just push her further away. That's why here I suggest trying to not muddy the waters with battles over control, but rather trying to rebuild the connection between this mother and daughter. If this girl can feel loved and accepted first, she might be better able to abide by a rule.
If and when you face this problem, look not just at the offence, but at the context. Get to the root of the behavior (missing curfew), and you solve a hundred problems at once. If you focus only on the behavior, you can worsen a hundred problems at once.
Be well and good luck!
Mike Bradley

[24heel]

I am a little befuddled by your calm reaction to this Dr. Bradley. Maybe I need to read the book before being critical, but if this happens in our household..... the proverbial #$%# hits the fan immediately. Myself or my wife would find the teenager and thoroughly embarass her in front of the ones she is trying to be cool in front of. On top of this, severe restrictions in her freedom would result. It may not be your way or the by-the-book way, but it worked with us when we were teens and so far(crossing my fingers) it has worked with our 16 yo girl. It's still too early to tell with the 13 yo.

BTW......i think this forum is a wonderful idea.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear "Dad",
As I argue in my book, those old "in-your-face, humiliate-you-in-front-of-your-friends-screamers" sort of worked in the old days. It used to be possible to use fear as a way of keeping 16-year-olds away from crazy influences and bad choices. If you had a screamer with a 16-year-old in 1968, there was less danger in the world that could kill your kid if she decided to revolt. But today the world has changed in very dangerous ways for teens. The insanity rains down on their heads 24/7. It's in the music, the movies, and it's even in your house at this very moment---on your kids' computer. Today, if you provoke a teen by humilating her, she runs into big time insanity (unprecedented access to drugs, sex, and violence, and continuous suggestions to use them) the minute she runs angrily out your door. Using fear tactics doesn't work well to teach values, and these methods can present terrible risks for kids. For example, did you know that teen suicide has increased 400% in thirty years?

Today, as parents, we must do a much tougher job of parenting. We must teach our kids to make better choices, not hurt them into making better choices. That means we trade off some of the control we'd love to have over their lives in exchange for having them learn to control themselves. That means sometimes we let out the line a bit to see if the kid can self-correct after making some mistakes. After all, isn't that the goal for all of us---to have our children take charge of themselves?

This approach doesn't mean that a kid gets to do whatever she wants. It does mean that first we try all non-fear-based teaching techniques to help her regulate herself before we go to confrontations. This makes for a much safer child who can learn to avoid a bad thing because SHE believes that's what she should do. The kid who avoids a bad thing only because her father might catch and humiliate her is not a safe child. For one day she will be faster, smarter, and perhaps stronger than the enforcer, and she might be carrying a ton of anger from past parental hurts with her. Then what choice is she likely to make?

You might want to read the book to get the long version of this. As an ex-military, Irish-Catholic father, my innate instincts for parenting run similarly to yours. And I've found that those old fear-based instincts can destroy our bonds with our kids, and push them further into the insanity. Only respect-based connections with our children keep them truly safe and sane in today's scary world.

Mike Bradley

[deeb]

Dear Doc Bradley - Your last post really struck a chord with me. I am the mother of 4 sons, ages 15, 17, 26, and 28. I have a loving husband and a successful teaching career (middle school kids of all things!) I'm happy with the path my life has taken me. Thankfully, my older sons are on their own and doing well. The teens are putting me through many trying challenges, and sometimes it's difficult to keep my chin up. Yet I appreciate your approach to dealing with the teen crazies so much. I was a teenage in the 60's, and a pretty rotten one at that. I snuck out, drank, experimented with marijuana, and lied to my parents about it all, just to name a few. My father called me horrible names, hit me, followed me when I went on dates, and humiliated me in front of my friends. None of these things changed my behavior. I'm not really sure what did, but it did when I left home, went to college, (and regained my sanity?) I've turned out okay. I'm a moral person with a sense of responsiblity to my family and community. What has not turned out okay, however, is that to this day, at age 52, I still seem to be carrying "a ton of past parental hurts" and still have a hard time forgetting my father's actions and words. We will never be close. We never talk of those dark days - in fact, we hardly talk of anything important. I chose to live 2000 miles from my home. I know I was making lots of mistakes in my youth, but he was the adult, and I the child. All children deserve unconditional love and acceptance in their lives, no matter what their faults. I pray every night (some nights harder than others) for the strength to continue to provide that to my sons, even when they seem to be daring me not to. It isn't always easy, but what worth having is? I hope when they're 52, we're able to reflect on "the good old days" with a smile, maybe a tear, but most importantly with love, and I hope for them, a lot less resentment than I felt (feel). Thanks for a great forum, and a wisdom filled book.

[MomInFLA]

I can relate to that type of parenting but my mother was the one with the tight reins. I have terrible hurt feelings to this day. BUT I am very close to her today. This is why I have loosened the reins on my kids tremendously but cautiously. My mother tells me that I did it all wrong. She hasnt tried parenting in this new millenium. I had the fear of GOD in me. Sadly, Many kids today dont believe there is a God. I have 4 kids and the three older ones 20 22 and 23 are great. Went through bad teen years but came back lovingly. Its a whole new ballgame today. There is such a lack of respect among these kids. They dont respect teachers, parents or elders. They think they can get away with anything and there will be no consequences. I am reading Yes your child is crazy. I have learned some very different ways of handling things. I say the serenity prayer many times daily. Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I know that I cannot change the way the world is today. Violence sex drugs and alcohol are all to readily available to our young kids. Driving age is 16!!!!!!! Some kids cant even see over the steering wheel and the bass coming from the car deafens them to any horn or siren. Its a different dangerous world. I wish we could stop the *SO CALLED* music that they listen to. Suicide, sex, drugs and all the dark side of life is being pounded into our kids heads. POP up porn on the computer by just typing in GIRLS in the search engine. We just have to constantly monitor and be cops to keep our kids safe. Im Tired... I wish there was an answer all of this. If someone has it PLEASE contact me. Im waiting for the day when I can sleep through the night peacefully and have my sons beautiful smile back. Thank you for this forum. I feel a little better already!

[leafb]

I am a new member and just able to post a reply. Your message struck me cause a lot of the times I feel as hopeless as your post sounds. I definitely do not have the answer. I have an 18 year old son and a 13 year old daughter. The son had horrific school issues since Kindergarten. Is now working (after briefly at community college) and doing pretty well. There is a whole lack of responsibility attitude that I hear in him as well as many kids his age, though. Don't know how or when he will get it.

My daughter was a good student and "model" child until this year - the dreaded 13. I am like a skittish frightened shell of myself ON THE INSIDE but think I am doing a good job of showing otherwise on the outside. I've just finished Dr. Bradley's book. In fact, now that I know that Dr. Bradley sees patients fairly closeby, I plan to call his office for an appointment for ME. I believe in his words from his book and feel it really does need to come from parents. I just really want to be able to do it "as right" as possible. It's too important not to try at least.

Hope things are relatively calm and peaceful for you these days.