Getting them to admit use

[Scared Mum]

How do you get a 17 year old boy to stop lying and admit what he is doing? We have tried talking, yelling, bribery, consequences etc and nothing works. We know he using pot and we know he is using in the house but he refuses to admit it - just looks us straight in the eye (our clear eyes to his red ones) and says "wasn't me". The first step to getting him on the right path is getting him to not only admit he uses but to admit that he uses more that he thinks he does...he is lying not only to us but to himself. How do we get him to open up????? I keep thinking things are getting better then - WHAM - something else happens.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mum,
First for the shock: Marijuana is NOT a drug, at least according to today's teens. Since it is not a drug (so say they), it is the victim of irrational adult prejudice against a loving herb that God put on the planet to promote world peace. Therefore, many kids say, "harmless" lying about weed use is perfectly OK.
The facts are a little different. Pot turns out to be highly addictive, particularly for struggling teens. More kids were treated for marijuana addiction last year than all other drugs COMBINED.
I see from a prior post that you have used the car as a reward. I'd play that one further. Since weed does significantly impair driving skills (like depth perception and reaction time) I'd tell him that car use is now dependent upon temporary random drug testing and agreement for the FAMILY to see a counselor to work this through. Sidestep the "YES YOU ARE"/"NO I'M NOT" fights and just say, "Well, since you are not using, you won't mind taking drug screens PLUS we'll pay you for your aggravation and time in getting these done, plus throw in a bonus for every clean screen. Of course, failed screens mean that we hang up the car keys until we have a clean test." Keep in mind that weed can show in drug tests for up to 3 weeks after a use.
We usually do not suggest such invasive measures as these when first responding to a drug issue, but your prior post notes severe academic problems, which is another side-effect of heavy weed use. My guess is that you need to move quickly, dispassionately, yet firmly on this since your son could get hooked. Today's marijuana is 3 to 9 times as potent as what you may have seen as an adolescent.
Keep us posted.

[Scared Mum]

Thanks - My husband and I have both sat down and talked to him again. We have told him that "OK - we believe you when you say you are not doing it - so now prove it". He has to attend school every day, get his marks up and get a job else he loses the car. We have also chatted with his friends and made it perfectly clear that we are against drug use and we do not want it in or near our house (he was embarrassed but ...oh well). My husband is also going to meet with a couple of the Dad's and get things out in the open as to who is doing what. We figure if we are all aware of what is going on it is easier to deal with and monitor all the boys behaviour. Not sure if we want to go the drug test route yet - my husband really does believe him. We also have a new rule in the house which is an open door - when his friends are over whether they are in his room or the rec. room - all doors must remain open AND no friends are allowed over unless we are home. I truly hope I am over reacting (my husband's words). At heart he really is a good kid - never misses curfew - goes out to events with us - is always where he says he will be - tells me he loves me every day - isn't disrespectful when speaking to me etc.. He has admitted he has messed up (first step to changing things) and we now have to help him work through it. I just hope we're strong enough to help him.

[Scared Mum]

My son has finally admitted - to my husband only - that he is smoking pot and lying. We already knew he was but at least he now admits it. He still won't admit it to me...it seems like he is embarassed or ashamed to admit it...almost like he doesn't want to disappoint me. For the last couple of weeks we have been much more consistent with our rules and have followed up on what we said. We found out he skipped a class on Monday and my husband, luckily, was near the school. My husband went straight into the school and took my son's car away. Boy was my son upset. He wasn't coming home, he's moving out, we're a joke etc. etc. ... After school, he called my husband to pick him up, came home and worked on an assignment as if nothing had happened (got an 81 on the project). We gave him the car back Friday after a fairly good week. We have taken the car away twice and we think he has finally realized we mean it. We are also holding the car hostage for drug use....stay straight (no drinking or smoking) and you can have the car...it's yours to lose. I know we are not out of the woods and that there are many more battles ahead of us but it is these flashes of sanity that keep us focused and prove to us that he is not lost. He has also been invited down to a University in the US to meet with the hockey coach and the admissions counsellor - hopefully seeing the opportunity that is available to him if he plays his cards right will help move him in the right direction.