nightmare

[kkelli]

We have a 14yo daughter who started high school in sept. She went from a class of 46 to 1500 with just freshman and sophomores. She has always been very outgoing, lots of friends, very athletic, artistic and smart (honors). She is also very, very pretty. We first realized there was a problem when teachers sent home reports that she was getting D's in their classes. She made the volleyball team in sept and had some nice friends at first, but when that ended in oct everything fell apart. We've had at least three friends daughters say that she is hanging out with the wrong people. In oct she started "dating" a sophomore without our permission. This guy has a history of drugs, alcohol use, etc. Really bad news. One night she just walked outside and took off in a car with him, two other guys and her "best friend" who has a lot of problems too. She came back two hours later. She said there was marijuana in the car but she didn't do any. She has admitted to drinking twice. At this point she started seeing a therapist and has been cooperative about going. After that guy, she started "dating" his cousin, a couple of weeks later someone else, and now she's onto another guy. This one scares me though. His parents adopted him when he was 11 or so, he's black, their white. Parents in their neighborhood told me that the police have been to their house due to him being violent. He has a history of theft and was sent to anger management. Last night I found a printed IM between him and my daughter in which he is sending song lyrics about having sex, and my daughter is saying she loves him and wants him to be her "first." I'm getting her in to her therapist today or tomorrow on an urgent basis. Do I show the therapist the note? My daughter knows I saw it. Sometimes she leaves things like this around and I wonder if she wants me to see it. I told her we were going to have a long talk today.

She is failing classes at school too. But I know grades are secondary to the rest of what is happening. The only problem is if she fails a class she won't be able to play softball. She is a great pitcher, and her dream has always been to play varsity in high school and get a scholarship. I've had to let go of so many dreams for her. I've cried a lot.

She has also been out of control when things don't go her way here. She has called me a "F***ing B**ch" three times now. I'm learning not to react, but it was a shock at first. The other night I told her to get off the phone (it was late and she was trying to get this guy's girlfriend to breakup with him so she could have him), she called me the above name and then threw the phone into the door and broke it. She got no phone privileges for the next day. Last night something happened on IM that made her think he didn't want to go out with her, she went in her room, threw stuff all over and then stormed out saying she needed a walk. I was scared, but she came back 20 minutes later.

I feel like she's throwing her whole life away. She's got so much going for her. I know there is hope. Her therapist says she is very open during their visits, and I've seen her try to help her "best friend" not make mistakes. I just don't know how much more I can take though. I keep waiting for the next crisis and am on edge constantly. New Years Eve this guy is having a party, and I don't know how to stop it from becoming a problem. I'm hoping her therapist can help us there. Any advice?

P.S. I left out a couple of things. She has been lying, like about smoking cigarettes, but also telling the truth about things like a party that she could have snuck off to. I ended up warning a couple of other parents about the party and I'm afraid she will not trust me in the future because of it. Her "best friend" has been lying, running away, swearing at her parents, drinking, etc., since last summer. I think she is a big influence and not sure what to do about that. Also, parenting at home is inconsistent. I'm more of a pushover parent and dad is more strict. Your book helped a lot and I'm trying to follow the advice.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Welcome to the sometimes terrifying world of adolescent identity development. It sounds as if your daughter is experimenting with being different people, something she must do, but hopefully do with as few high risk behaviors as possible. I have a few thoughts,
First, congratulations getting your daughter to see a therapist! That is a great safety valve to what you see going on.
Second, yes, show the therapist the note, and be completely upfront so that she/he has all the cards about your girl. Be sure to mention that Mom and Dad have different parenting styles/rules. This is something that the two of you might want to sort out.
Third, do not choose her friends for her, but do insist that when together they be in safe locales (such as at your home). She is too young and immature to be allowed to high risk environments.
Fourth, see if you guys can all sit down with the therapist to sort out some of these rules that you ALL can live with (including your daughter). The middle ground is to allow her to choose who her friends will be, but that she must adhere to rules appropriate for a 14-year-old.
Fifth, regarding the party, ANY 14-year-old party must have good adult supervision. I'd allow her attendance IF she agrees to allow you to communicate face-to-face with the boy's parents. In that meeting use your instincts to see if these folks can provide the appropriate oversight. If you have any doubts, offer to host the party at your home.
Finally, try and calm down a bit. If you guys can stay composed (dispassionate) and keep to the middle ground, the odds are high that this will be a temporary identity fling. Look to allow her to have time with Mr. Wonderful, but in places where she can see how he stacks up to more positive boys. IF AT ALL POSSIBLE, do not directly criticze this kid, or you will make him a martyr in your daughter's eyes. This is particularly true if you have issues with his race. If his being Black is a problem for you, you must see that as YOUR problem, and not a reason for your daughter to date or not date anyone. You must make the effort to be color blind about your daughter's choices or you will skew her behavior one way or another, not as a function of her identity, but of yours. That trick never works, and will only delay her ultimately groing up.
Hang in there! The odds are very good that this is a temporary storm that will pass. Focus on staying close to your daughter's heart through this time. Find things to love and praise about her. Believe it or not, that is the greatest safety measure of all.

[kkelli]

We did have this boy over earlier this week, so we did meet him. Our daughter also knows that race is not the issue. I brought it up because I think it is one of the reasons she likes him. He calls her things like his "lil nig*" and his "ghetto thug gurl." He also already has a girlfriend, and my daughter and her friend are trying to get rid of her. We've talked about that a lot. Last night she left another note (really!) lying around that basically says she is willing to "do stuff" if he dumps his girlfriend. He's telling her he wants to play strip and oral poker and get "hand & head." He's telling her he loves her and is naming their children, etc. At this point we are saying no to the party. It's in his basement and his bedroom is down there too. We don't know any of the other girls going. We haven't told her yet, but plan to later today. We did offer to have a party here or I would take them to the teen center where they have live music, food, dancing, etc. Her reaction won't be good, but we are going to try to stay "dispassionate" and tell her how much we love her. Your reply made me feel a lot better. Thank you.

[Charlett]

My daughter statred changing last year at thirteen. New friends bad grades, Defiant behavior. It is the hardest times I have ever been through. We have counseling everyweek. And I have seen an inprovement, but for every two steps forward it's a step back again. She Became severely depressed, and self abusive. I can't say what is right or wrong at this point, but I let her know everday how special she is and that she can do great things. The school has noticed a positive change. She lost all of the New friends that were breaking the boundries becasue they turned on her too. She is now trying to make new friends and it is difficult. There are many days I wish that I had a friend who understood, but I would not want any parents to go through this. I think she wasnts a friend to understand too. I found that the book has helped me to remember how much I love her and how beautiful a teen can be. It seems to give me strength for the hard things. Wishing you the best and a positve outcome. Charlett