I don't know what to do.....

[Shae]

Ok....Doc. Bradley, (if it really is you that replies to these messages) I am going to lay it all out. First of all, I am not a parent....in fact I am only an 18 year old girl, going to college in my second semester. Life is good....or at least it is supposed to be. I am the daughter of an alcoholic father. A father who is a great man, when he is sober....but much like Jekyll and Hyde, can become a raving maniac when he is drinking. Throughout my childhood, I have seen many things....things most people have no idea about.
First before I tell you my story I want you to know, I have it good, don't feel sorry for me ok. I hate that...and I don't want you or anyone else for that matter to. Many people have it worse....save your sympathy for them.
Ok...on with the story. Anyway, my childhood was a little rough, never knowing the next time he was going to blow up, or freak out. My mother was a nervous wreck much of the time...and we were all scared (including my Dad who was scared of himself). The funny this is, is that I am the oldest...and therefore the one that the resposbility falls on. I was the "protector" of my Mom and little sister. I was the one that distracted Dad when he got mad... the one who took the blame...for everything...so they could just get out of the way. That was my role, and one I just accepted. When I was in the fifth grade, my Mom got fed up, completely. She packed my little sister and I up, and moved us to live in Utah with my grandparents (we live in Illinois). My Dad went to rehab, and supposedly things were going to get better. But he was only sober the thirty or so days he "had to be." He then begged my Mom to come home, so we did. Things were good, and we thought it had stopped. Well, needless to say, it hadn't. He was still drinking....although hiding it very well. To this day, he does it and hides it....but he isn't smart enough for me. He changes Doc. B. he goes from the loving Daddy...who is my very best friend...to someone, who is scary, and out of control. I find his empty beer cans, and smell it on his breath. That scares me Doc. B. My Mother knows....but, doesn't do anything about it. I am scared...this disease is going to tear my family apart. I am now enrolled in college (in Utah! which I wasn't sure of at first....I thought it might make his drinking worse....or that any number of things could happen, like he might kill my Mom and little sister if I was gone, but I finally decided to do what is best for me, for once) and trying to live my life. I am 18 for crying out loud...and out on my own. But the images and feelings of my childhood still run rampant in my mind. I recently went home for Christmas, to find beer cans in our garage. I can't tell you how this breaks my heart. It makes me literally sick. Sometimes I can't concentrate...because I am so worried. It eats me up inside.....it really does. And no matter what I do, it is always the same. My mother wants me to see a psychologist...or a counselor. She says...that all the anger...and hurt, all those bad feelings about what has happened....she says they are going to eat me alive, or make me explode. But I am not to keen on the idea. I would like to think I have pretty good control of my life....and that I don't need...help. Besides who needs to hear about my problems? But she is persistent. I think I know what you are going to tell me....but I decided to ask your advice anyway. Afterall you are the professional. Anyway....there is my story...in a very condensed nutshell. I hope you have some advice for me...

Thanks for everything....
Shae

P.S. I forgot to mention at the beginning....your book..."Yes, Your Parents are Crazy".....yah....it is great...I read it in two days....couldn't put it down. Thanks!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Shae,
First, yes, this really is me. I really do reply to all these letters myself. One of the reasons I do this (and that I do the work I do) is to help others control insanity in their lives that I could not control in my own when I was growing up. The shrinks call this compensation. It's my semi-neurotic way of striking back against the rough childhoods that myself (and my wife) both experienced. She dealt with alcoholism much as you do. I battled one mentally ill parent and one rage-aholic. So sympathy you'll not get from me. But empathy, you will.

I share this with you because Cindy (my wife) and I both sound like you with the "I can do this on my own" line. We both despise telling people our problems, and we'd rather go hungry than admit to anyone that we are broke and need help, whether that help be financial or psychological. And the probable reason that Shae, Cindy, and Mike are crazy like this is because we painfully learned very early in life that adults cannot be safely relied upon. That if you hand your heart to a grown up, he will tear it in pieces and throw it back to you...sometimes. And it's the "sometimes" part that does the real damage.

A crazy parent does not have to be horrendously brutal to put a serious hurt on us. The hurting part is the unpredictablility, where you never know if that loving, nurturing father (Dr. Jekyl) or the horrible, self-centered monster (Mr. Hyde) will walk in the door on any given night. It's that "not knowing" that beats the **** out of us. And having another "sane" parent who seems to allow this to happen adds a whole other bag of hurt.

So, yes, you do know where I'm headed with this. If you really want to get free, you do need counseling. I'm sorry if you hate me for saying that, but, well, too bad! It's likely as true for you as it was for Cindy and myself. That pain in you is like bad food. It will only hurt you if you refuse to vomit it out on someone you can learn to trust, like a good therapist. You cannot swallow it forever without playing it out in your future relationships with partners and children, and in ways that will make not getting help at 18 seem really dumb. I did not get help for way too long, Shae, and it took me decades to recover. And I caused far too many people far too much pain until I got a handle on it. Don't be stupid like me. Be smart like my wife---get help early on.

Please write in from time to time to let us know how you're doing. I suspect there will be many people writing to you here to tell you stories similar to mine.

Be well, Shae. And thanks so much for sharing.
Mike Bradley

[Shae]

Doc. B.
I appreciate all the things you said. Thanks so much for taking the time, and effort to write back. I think what you said about handing my heart to some one else....yah...that is to true. I don't want to hurt anymore....and sometimes I am afraid that is all I will do, if I go to a shrink. But it is killing me... it really is...the worry is what really gets me, like you said, the "not knowing."

Sorry I didn't trust it was you replying to these messages...trust is another thing I have a hard time with, as I bet you can imagine. Oh, I am so screwed up. I can't even function like a normal freakin' human being...I am sorry....truly I am. I won't doubt again.

Anyway, I wanted to thank you...your advice really hit home. I have been told to get help for so long, I just never have taken the initiative to go and do it. I can't promise I will go, but I might try. The college I go to offers counseling for free. They have many licensed psychologist's available to the students 24-7, and maybe I will look into it.

I can't help but think though....that there are people out there that need help way more than I do. I mean yah, I have had my share (which I can't help but feel, was partly my fault....I know that sounds crazy....but it is how I feel)....but....I don't want to waste a shrinks time. I feel like I should be able to overcome this by myself...like you said. I just can't figure out how...and I truly don't think I will ever be really over it until he stops drinking. There is always that threat...and that is what I can't take. Sometimes I really do think I am going crazy...I know...I know...not a good sign.

Anyway...thanks for the advice, you are a great man...with real talent. It is funny you know...I read your book and feel like I know you...I can pour my heart and soul out to you...someone I have never met...and probably won't...over the internet, but I can't walk into a shrinks office and ask for help....man...life is crazy! I can only wish you were closer.

Anyway...thanks again. Sorry for bothering you. I'll keep quiet for a while now and let others speak. Thanks!!

Shae