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amventura
01-10-2005, 01:27 AM
Dear Doctor Bradley,

Thank you for your very positive and useful book. However, the problem I am going to talk about is very complex.

My son just started high school (Gr. 8 in our province). He is 13 1/2, but is tall and could look 16. He has always had serious learning disability and as a result, has a very negative attitude towards school. Being half French and half Latin American, he recently identifies more with Latin Americans.

He contacted some of his friends from elementary school at another high school. There, he met many Latin kids and seemed accepted. He got into the habit to go there after school while pretending to be involved in activities at his own school. Then he started skipping school.

I began being aware of it on the last day of school before the Xmas holidays. I talked to him and told him that skipping school was never acceptable. There were some consequences to his behaviour at home.

I was hoping that it would stop. Unfortunately, I realised that he has skipped many classes since school is back after the holiday. He seems awfully frustrated with his studies, he says he wants to work.

We spent the weekend talking. When I asked him very calmly if he could attend all the classes this week, he told me sincerely, I could tell you this, but I probably will… (not defiant, just honest)

Our worry has many aspects.

- His studies
- His safety, because we know nothing of this group of Latin kids at the other school. He has only invited one of them at home. He says there are some older kids. We know nothing of their intention. They might be all right, but there are many indications that it could spell problems. He wants to look tough and cool, but is naïve and trusting.
- The fact that he wants to move to this other school and turns his back entirely on his own school.

We need advice on how to control this situation. How could we insure that he goes to school everyday, short of going with him and delivering him to his classroom? Also, how could we ‘remotivate’ him to feel part of the school and to try to make friends there?

Thank you for your advice, I worry so much!

amventura

Mike Bradley
01-11-2005, 11:44 AM
Dear Parent,
Given your son's issues, I can really see where school could be a very painful place to be. Forcing kids with learning problems to go to school is like forcing adults who are tone deaf to join a choir. It's very frustrating, and makes us want to find other places to feel successful, such as other friends and other schools. Plus his racial identity struggle will add fuel to that fire.
However, school avoidance is like a snowball rolling down a hill- the further it goes, the bigger it gets. You must move imediately to regain control.
First, call your school and tell them the problems. Many schools now maintain good student support programs to engage these kinds of kids and keep them involved.
Second, use Chapter 16's tricks (YES, YOUR TEEN IS CRAZY!) to get your son quickly to a teen therapist.
Finally, and with help from the therapist, try and find the middle ground where your son can explore his racial identity (the new friends) in safer ways, such as where you foster having the kids hang out at your home, or you sponsor activities for them. At 13 your son needs you to structure and control him a bit as he moves through this crisis.
Good luck!