twilightzone
01-17-2005, 11:05 AM
I have posted on your forum a couple of times, although it has been many months. There have been many good things that have happened since the many terrifying months of chaos in our home.
To begin with our daughter, now 15 and in 9th grade, likes another boy and really does appear to "get it" concerning her last controlling/abusive boyfriend who was the first boyfriend she ever had ={.
Starting with the good news, we're able to talk with our daughter about a lot of things again, even when we don't always have the same point of view. She has made decisions to not attend parties she's heard will be unsupervised, I overheard her tell her friend (who suggested she lie so she could go to her boyfriend's house alone) that she won't lie. Lies had been, for a while, a big part of our lives. In tears and expressing how much our trust was important to her, she confessed, without our prompting, that she had tried drinking and smoking cigarettes at a friend's home months earlier. These are some outstanding advances from where we were (the twilight zone). She has told her friends and us that drugs are out of the question and she got very upset when her best friend (a guy) was busted by his parents for drugs (and she told us about this).
Now for the part where I'm still concerned.
Our daughter has allowed herself to be smitten rather quickly again. Her words say to us that she's going slow, she remembers the last relationship and is cautious.... The bottom line is she is soooooo innocent and naive it's scary. She's shares all her thoughts and feelings with people she considers her friends or her boyfriend and puts herself in a position of vulnerability. I'm concerned that it's important for her to not get sucked into a relationship that will consume her again; a relationship where she begins to lose a sense of herself again. I don't know this new boy very well yet, or his friends. I do know that he and his friends know and are friends with the last, frightening boyfriend. Our daughter has shared with this new boy that she was at a point of feeling suicidal over the last boy who "always knew the right things to say" and "knew her weaknesses" etc.... Emotionally she still seems to be very fragile, mostly and especially concerning boys she likes. From what I've learned she has this deep desire to be loved (don't we all), protected etc... but in the last relationship "protection" was in fact a form of control and ownership.
The thing that keeps coming up with our daughter is that it's hard for her to find a girlfriend to go with her to her boyfriend's home (or one of his friend's homes). We think it's important that she have at least one girlfriend with her when she's with her boyfriend. Dating age in our home is 16. Two nights ago a friend backed out and then our daughter had to stay home because she couldn't find anyone else to go to her boyfriend's house with her. Last night it didn't come together either (although she loosely puts these things together) but after much discussion (where she told us that her telling the truth doesn't seem to get her anywhere) we allowed her boyfriend to come to our home. He and his friend's are always welcome here but we think there should be at least one other girl present. We want to give the brain and emotions time to develop before one-on-one dating occurs and we don’t feel comfortable that two guys and our daughter is a good scenario either. What are your views on this? If my daughter didn't seem to be so naive and vulnerable and if I knew these boys better it might be a little less concerning. It's amazing how this daughter's pushing of the limits causes me to question my parenting and what has always worked for us with our two older daughter's. I don't want to be an ogre but it would be hard to forgive myself if I allowed my daughter to get into a situation that caused serious consequences in her life. Your thoughts are appreciated.
To begin with our daughter, now 15 and in 9th grade, likes another boy and really does appear to "get it" concerning her last controlling/abusive boyfriend who was the first boyfriend she ever had ={.
Starting with the good news, we're able to talk with our daughter about a lot of things again, even when we don't always have the same point of view. She has made decisions to not attend parties she's heard will be unsupervised, I overheard her tell her friend (who suggested she lie so she could go to her boyfriend's house alone) that she won't lie. Lies had been, for a while, a big part of our lives. In tears and expressing how much our trust was important to her, she confessed, without our prompting, that she had tried drinking and smoking cigarettes at a friend's home months earlier. These are some outstanding advances from where we were (the twilight zone). She has told her friends and us that drugs are out of the question and she got very upset when her best friend (a guy) was busted by his parents for drugs (and she told us about this).
Now for the part where I'm still concerned.
Our daughter has allowed herself to be smitten rather quickly again. Her words say to us that she's going slow, she remembers the last relationship and is cautious.... The bottom line is she is soooooo innocent and naive it's scary. She's shares all her thoughts and feelings with people she considers her friends or her boyfriend and puts herself in a position of vulnerability. I'm concerned that it's important for her to not get sucked into a relationship that will consume her again; a relationship where she begins to lose a sense of herself again. I don't know this new boy very well yet, or his friends. I do know that he and his friends know and are friends with the last, frightening boyfriend. Our daughter has shared with this new boy that she was at a point of feeling suicidal over the last boy who "always knew the right things to say" and "knew her weaknesses" etc.... Emotionally she still seems to be very fragile, mostly and especially concerning boys she likes. From what I've learned she has this deep desire to be loved (don't we all), protected etc... but in the last relationship "protection" was in fact a form of control and ownership.
The thing that keeps coming up with our daughter is that it's hard for her to find a girlfriend to go with her to her boyfriend's home (or one of his friend's homes). We think it's important that she have at least one girlfriend with her when she's with her boyfriend. Dating age in our home is 16. Two nights ago a friend backed out and then our daughter had to stay home because she couldn't find anyone else to go to her boyfriend's house with her. Last night it didn't come together either (although she loosely puts these things together) but after much discussion (where she told us that her telling the truth doesn't seem to get her anywhere) we allowed her boyfriend to come to our home. He and his friend's are always welcome here but we think there should be at least one other girl present. We want to give the brain and emotions time to develop before one-on-one dating occurs and we don’t feel comfortable that two guys and our daughter is a good scenario either. What are your views on this? If my daughter didn't seem to be so naive and vulnerable and if I knew these boys better it might be a little less concerning. It's amazing how this daughter's pushing of the limits causes me to question my parenting and what has always worked for us with our two older daughter's. I don't want to be an ogre but it would be hard to forgive myself if I allowed my daughter to get into a situation that caused serious consequences in her life. Your thoughts are appreciated.