Need help with lying teen

[Meepie]

I am a relatively new (10 mos) stepmother of 14 & 15 yo daughters. We have had several incidents of lying from the 15 yo over the last few months, as well as cheating being reported by one of her teachers. I view this as a very serious moral issue, and have encouraged my husband to discipline any further incidents accordingly. We recently began to use a point system (Easy Child program) and I set it up so that lying would result in a level drop for 2 weeks (i. e., regardless of the privilege level that is earned for that week, the level is dropped to the next lower level for the 2 weeks of discipline). This would mean loss of privileges to use computer, visit friends, and use their allowance money (Level A privileges) for that time period. They would still be allowed to use the telephone, watch tv, and have friends visit them. Also, if they manage to achieve Super Level, they would get the Level A privileges, but not Super Level (attend school events like dances, choose movies to go to, rent movies, and choose restaurant for dinner out). This is how we agreed to set up this program initially, to avoid the many disagreements we encounter in his permissive parenting style. Now that the 15 yo has been caught lying yet again, he insists on revising the program for this incident so that it only results in a loss of points on par with use of profanity (5 points, when they can lose up to 17 before a level drop occurs in one week). This is a huge difference in my original attempt to discipline lying in such a way that would emphasize it as a serious moral issue that would no longer be tolerated. Further, he feels that he is justified in doing this because "she performed so well last week, and this incident didn't affect us parents directly since she only lied to a Hollister shop clerk about purchasing her sweater there so that she could have the security button removed that had been left on inadvertently during her purchase from Rugged Warehouse...no big deal." I am appalled that he feels there is a difference in the degree of lying and how it should be disciplined. I cannot seem to get through to him that it is my understanding that discipline be consistent and firm as well as fair. I think it is fair that we had already told them the potential consequences would be a 2 wk level drop to do so in this event. Please advise. Thanks and blessings on your ministry.

[janetmcilvaine]

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[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
First, please accept my apologies for this terribly delayed response. Your letter did not get to me until now.

I am not a big fan of point programs such as the one you are using, particularly when it comes to dealing with issues of ethics and morality. While many shrinks I highly respect disagree, my view is that those programs work best in hospital or residential treatment settings with very disturbed kids. I do not like the results I see when point programs are used in homes with "normal" kids.

My view is that the programs themselves become the focus of the family relationships, with endless arguments and strategizing about how to manipulate the rules to someone's advantage. This may already be happening in your home. My fear is that this focus on "controlling" kids behavior takes you away from the real goal of building a loving connection with them, and teaching them to control themselves. Winning or losing points is OK when the issue is chores, but not when it's trust. My thought is to tell kids that there is no amount of points that can restore a broken trust. That things like ethics or morals or character cannot be bought or sold. These are values that are much better taught by modeling than by preaching or punishing.

Yes, there should be consequences for lying, but make them relevant to the lie as opposed to punishments, i.e. "Honey, it makes me very sad to do this, but since you were not truthful about where you were on your last sleepover, for now I must call the host's parents to verify that you are where you should be since I couldn't rely on your word before. I hope that we'll repair our trust so that I won't have to do this embarrassing stuff in the future."

In particular for you, I'd slow down a bit with jumping in with both feet as a step-mom (please re-read the divorce and blended familiy references in my books). Remember that these girls likely did not volunteer to get a third parent into their lives, and if you move too fast to assume too much control, you may get a civil war in your home that will make the sweater lie problem look like a non-event. Even if you disgree with your husband's parenting style, like it or not, that is what that family used for many years. You cannot and should not turn that around in 10 months. It takes years to build the step-parent respect ships you need to make substantial changes peacefully.

Good luck, and please proceed slowly and carefully.