14 and 18 year- out of control

[jbauti]

Hi, We just moved from an urban area to a very rural area and my daughter has become friends with a group of kids that do not have a good reputation. We were told that they drink and take drugs while hanging out. My daughter dresses quite alternative(very gothic style). We found out that seeing is dating one of the boys who is 18 and bipolar and has not had (and still does not) have an easy home life. We found she has been having sex with him and when confronted about this- she feels she in in love and does not see a problem with it. He is into "Spirtual Satanism" as my daughter has been into before, and I feel that is where they feel some connection. My daughter mentioned to me that he wants to have a "committment ceremony"- which I think happen already. We found a couple of recent notes to her today stating that she needs to approach me for "birth control" pills but do not let me know that he is the one she is having sex with. And if I don't get them for her, he will, but it costs $35.00. He also mentioned in the letter about the "committment ceremony", drawing pictures of her naked, and if anyone tried to break them up he would kill them- "no matter what human being they are" ( his own words. I believe in our state, there needs to be 5 years difference before it is a crime about the sex issue. He just started Prozac but has been some real heavy duty medications in the past. My daughter is only 14 and a Freshman in HS, he is a junior. I know my daughter is in love with this guy but these issues are way too involve for a girl her age. We thought of two options 1) going to his father (but the boy is consider an adult and he does not seem to have much influence on him and the Dad had drinking and drug problems, also.) and giving him a copy of the letter or 2) Taking the letter to the Police and to make sure what the sex laws are. We live in such a small town- it will be great difficulty to keep them apart. My daughter is known to sneak out of the window and such. My daughter tells me he is not sexaully active with him anymore. The bottom line I fear for my daughter to spend any time with him, and honestly, I fear for my family because he is known to take relationships very seriously and when they don't work out he threatens to hurt other people (which I believe can happen) and hurt himself. Please help. (I also posted once before about my daughter last year having issues with satanism, gothic and gender issues.)

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
This is one of those rare emergency situations where you must move quickly, calmly, but firmly. Your daughter's judgement is dangerously poor, and you must move to protect her.
First, as you likely have done already, sit down with your daughter and ask her flat out if she truly thinks this relationship is OK. If she continues to insist it is, then tell her that you love her, but that this situation could harm her terribly, and that you cannot help her hurt herself. Offer to let her see the boy under controlled circumstances (at your house) if she agrees to get into family counseling.
Next, immediately find a counselor for your family to begin to sort out why she would be drawn to such behavior at 14. Tell her that she may continue to see "Mr. Wonderful" at your home only as long as the family is in counseling.
If she refuses this, you must first immediately go to this boy's parent(s) and lay out what is going on. Next, visit the police station to consult about the law, and call your local child protective services organization as well to see if they have emergency help for you. Some States provide in-home counseling for at-risk kids.
I do hear that you worry for your safety with this insanity, but you cannot be held hostage to fear when it comes to protecting your kid. And, yes, she may run away after you impose some limits, but that is a risk you must take. If you do nothing, there is a huge chance of a disaster here.
Good luck and please keep us posted.