Do we inform other parents of misdeeds?

[anxious]

My Junior daughter has just skipped school for the first time with her "best friend", who attends another high school and had the day off.

My daughter's car stayed in her school lot, and they "borrowed" the truck driven by the other girl's brother, but owned by her mother, to visit a mall about 15 miles away. The other girl does not have her license, but drove the truck. I am sure that it did not occur to either one of them that taking the truck could be construed as "stealing" (It's all in the family, right?). Sighhhhh.

No incident occured on this little outing, but I think it's pretty serious. I am considering giving the other girl a certain number of days to tell her mother before I do. I would certainly welcome the same consideration.... My concern is that I might compromise my daughter's honesty in any future adventure. She hasn't been too forthcoming in the past.

Do I make the call?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Anxious,
Yes, you must rat out this kid to her parents. I would agree that giving her a day to tell on herself is best, but if that does not happen, then you must tell.
The potential risk of this kid getting hurt or killed in a future joyride outweighs the possible damage to your relationship with your daughter. When your girl goes nuts after you tell her what you must do, quietly ask how she would feel about not ratting her friend out now when attending her friend's funeral in the future. There are some secrets that true friends don't keep, and this is one of them. As we say, "Love your friend more than your friendship." She will likely be furious with you for awhile, but over time come to know that you did the right thing. That might even be why she told you to begin with.
Let us know how you make out.

[anxious]

We gave "friend" a few days ot come clean to her mom. I will call mom to either verify or inform. At this moment, I feel like my daughter will never "come clean" again. One step forward.... two steps back. She is angry, but didn't come unglued.

[anxious]

On day one of the allowed 2.5 days given to Friend to go to her mom, Daughter came to me and very calmly and respectfully told me that Friend had no intention of telling her mom, that I would have to do that. They were both unhappy with my telling her mom, but knew that it was out of their control. She said they had discussed it, and realized that it was stupid, and not worth the risks, many of which they had not even considered. She said they thought it was not fair for Friend to have consequences, when Daughter was already paying consequences ( I could find NO logic in this one). I told her that her consequences were unrelated to Friend’s misdeeds, and that she should try to persuade Friend to come clean, that she might be surprised at the results. I told her that I would give her the full 2.5 days to reconsider, but that it was so serious, Friend’s mom needed to know. She raced off to the phone,

Ten minutes later Friend’s mom called. We thought perhaps Friend had “come clean”, but no. Her mom was suspicious that something was up because the girls had not been together in a few days. I relayed the whole thing, and Friend’s mom was in complete shock. I listened to her vent, and we ended the conversation.

Daughter was gleeful for the rest of the evening (not the reaction I expected). I told her that it had been a difficult situation for all of us, that I thought she handled it in a mature way, and that I was proud of her for that.

The next day I called Friend’s mom, to see if she had recovered. She said not really, and I offered my shoulder if she needed it again….. That was nine days ago. As far as I know, Friend did not receive any consequences for the joyride.

[anxious]

It was confirmed. Mother of Friend, overwhelmed by this behavior, and not sure what an appropriate consequence might be, chose no consequence....

[Hermom]

I'm sorry to hear this...it must be very discouraging to you. On the other hand, take comfort that you did the right thing. My daughter got into some misbehavior with two other kids last spring break, and although the mothers of the other two kids were aware of the misbehavior, neither of them ever informed me. Now, in the case of one of them, the misbehavior took place at her home when the kids were under her supervision, so maybe she was just plain embarrased. I called her and left a message, and to this day my call hasn't been returned. In the case of the other mother...well, HER son provided the substances the kids were dabbling in, but when we talked, a week and a half later, she made statements to the effect that her son just wasn't used to "public school" kids (he was 1.5 years out of the Waldorf School). So, all I could do was chalk it up to denial. To this day I feel bitter towards both moms for not bringing me into the loop in an appropriate fashion.

[Kate]

I had to tell some very good friends that their son was dealing drugs...it was good for them in the long run but it really hurt our friendship. Their son was really mad at our son, even though it was me that discovered it and "turned him in". Now, their son kept up with his dealing and was beaten almost to death two weeks ago. I am so glad I told them he was dealing...at least I have given them a chance to help him out of the dangerous life he was leading...he may be disabled now anyway...I think it is the right thing to do, to tell parents what you can, and hope for the best. With all the pain we are going through I know I tried to help them also...