twilightzone
02-06-2005, 09:28 AM
A brief history of our posts and situation:
Abusive, controlling boyfriend #1. Relationship stopped by us (her parents) because our daughter was having suicidal thoughts and couldn't seem to break away herself. She says she now hates him and has warned her friends on boyfriend #1. On the other hand her friends share their woes about boyfriend#1 and then his apologies etc... make them think he's changed (including our daughter). We have been watching, very carefully, her relationship with boyfriend #2. My gut was sending warning signals but I tried to stay open-minded. I have, on occasion, listened in on some conversations because it's the only REAL way of knowing what's going on and I believe my daughters safety depends on it. She is incredibly naive and innocent and can't seem to sift through it all. I have sought out a counselor to help US with how to handle these situations with our daughter. Unfortuately for us the counselor is on vacation for the whole week. I know your book talks about respecting your kid's privacy, and this is something that, until this sitation, I have always done. Our daughter has said "I want to be a good person" in tears to us. She has told me (by waking me at 3:00 a.m.), again sobbing, that she tried smoking cigarettes and beer at a sleepover at a friends and she would understand if we punished her and how it hurts her that she betrayed our trust. I told her I was so thankful that she told me and that she sees how that behavior made her feel about what she did and that she said she would never do it again. She would never have consequences for telling us the truth. That's why I listen in on the calls. It's not that our daughter WANTS to do things she knows are harmful, she just can't seem to help herself. (does ADD carry these symptoms? We’ve wondered if she might have it?) Anyway, to my point. Boyfriend #2 admitted to our daughter that he sold marajuana at the movie theatre last night. My daughter was confused and said, "what?". She was clearly shocked but when he told her I only bought it and sold it for a profit, it's not like I'm a junkie, our daughter said "Oh". We had just had a conversation on the way home from her soccer game, not an hour before, where my husband told her about a pro-athlete who was serving 4 mos. in jail for drug trafficking. She asking "what's that?" and my husband explained it. Her brain is not connecting. It just boggles my mind. Boyfriend#2 also is friends with a boy who I believe is as scary as boyfriend#1 when it comes to girls and his intentions of control, manipulation abuse etc...
My husband and I have felt we needed to try and help our daughter, if possible, ourselves versus counseling because we're concerned she already struggles with herself and this may make this worse. Counseling, however, will happen if we can’t seem to help her. She's been "going" with boyfriend #2 for 6-7 weeks and they're already exchanging "I Love You's", similar to boyfriend#1. We're thinking of offering our daughter a few suggestions of people she might consider talking to, versus a counselor, at first just to help her get some insights from someone other than us. Someone else to help her sort through things. In some ways I feel numb and my husband and I are, quite frankly, exhausted. My daughter says the right things. She doesn't, however, connect what she says with what she does. Your forum is awesome and we are thankful for yet another avenue of seeking advise. Your thoughts are appreciated.
Abusive, controlling boyfriend #1. Relationship stopped by us (her parents) because our daughter was having suicidal thoughts and couldn't seem to break away herself. She says she now hates him and has warned her friends on boyfriend #1. On the other hand her friends share their woes about boyfriend#1 and then his apologies etc... make them think he's changed (including our daughter). We have been watching, very carefully, her relationship with boyfriend #2. My gut was sending warning signals but I tried to stay open-minded. I have, on occasion, listened in on some conversations because it's the only REAL way of knowing what's going on and I believe my daughters safety depends on it. She is incredibly naive and innocent and can't seem to sift through it all. I have sought out a counselor to help US with how to handle these situations with our daughter. Unfortuately for us the counselor is on vacation for the whole week. I know your book talks about respecting your kid's privacy, and this is something that, until this sitation, I have always done. Our daughter has said "I want to be a good person" in tears to us. She has told me (by waking me at 3:00 a.m.), again sobbing, that she tried smoking cigarettes and beer at a sleepover at a friends and she would understand if we punished her and how it hurts her that she betrayed our trust. I told her I was so thankful that she told me and that she sees how that behavior made her feel about what she did and that she said she would never do it again. She would never have consequences for telling us the truth. That's why I listen in on the calls. It's not that our daughter WANTS to do things she knows are harmful, she just can't seem to help herself. (does ADD carry these symptoms? We’ve wondered if she might have it?) Anyway, to my point. Boyfriend #2 admitted to our daughter that he sold marajuana at the movie theatre last night. My daughter was confused and said, "what?". She was clearly shocked but when he told her I only bought it and sold it for a profit, it's not like I'm a junkie, our daughter said "Oh". We had just had a conversation on the way home from her soccer game, not an hour before, where my husband told her about a pro-athlete who was serving 4 mos. in jail for drug trafficking. She asking "what's that?" and my husband explained it. Her brain is not connecting. It just boggles my mind. Boyfriend#2 also is friends with a boy who I believe is as scary as boyfriend#1 when it comes to girls and his intentions of control, manipulation abuse etc...
My husband and I have felt we needed to try and help our daughter, if possible, ourselves versus counseling because we're concerned she already struggles with herself and this may make this worse. Counseling, however, will happen if we can’t seem to help her. She's been "going" with boyfriend #2 for 6-7 weeks and they're already exchanging "I Love You's", similar to boyfriend#1. We're thinking of offering our daughter a few suggestions of people she might consider talking to, versus a counselor, at first just to help her get some insights from someone other than us. Someone else to help her sort through things. In some ways I feel numb and my husband and I are, quite frankly, exhausted. My daughter says the right things. She doesn't, however, connect what she says with what she does. Your forum is awesome and we are thankful for yet another avenue of seeking advise. Your thoughts are appreciated.