nontrusting stepdad

[lmq]

My husband is constantly nick picking my 2 teenage daughters (his step-daughters). He constantly questions everything they do. He doesn't seem to trust them. I on the other hand trust my girls very much! They are 14 and 15 years old. They both have boyfriends, (very nice boys). They have "good" friends from nice families. They do not drink or do drugs. The girls love to hang out with their boyfriend. I've talked to them frequently about sex. I honestly do not believe they are having sex. I can't follow them around 24/7 I just have to believe in them and trust that they are behaving appropriately for their age. My husband thinks I'm giving them way too much space. He quite frankly does not trust them and sometimes speaks about them as being "bad girls" I'm so tired of this. I don't want every conversation with my husband and daughters to turn in to an agrument. Any suggestions?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Your timing to ask for help is right on the money because this situation is likely to get a lot worse shortly. I'm amazed that your daughters are putting up with this behavior. That is a credit to them and likely to you. But this cannot continue forever without some explosion.
You and your hubby need to see a counselor yesterday about this. If he is resistant, try telling him that maybe he's right, that you are blind to having "bad girls", and that maybe a counselor can help resolve the question so you don't argue as much. It's critical that you guys address this.
Male step-parenting of adolescent girls is a very complex thing, with lots of hidden sexual overtones that can make dad very uncomfortable and make him want to avoid the whole mess by picking fights with the kids. I don't know if that's happening here but it happens quite often. These step-fathers are not child molesters, but are normal males trying to act like pseudo-fathers to girls who can be sexually provocative without realizing it. These fathers despise and can repress these unwanted and unthinkable sexual thoughts and turn them into anger against the girls.
Please remember that this does not make your husband a bad person. He likely would never think of acting inappropriately; however, he is trapped in a male body which biologically can give us poor men these embarrassing thoughts (that most women don't get). Once these dads can acknowledge these impulses and feel confident that they are in control of them, and will never act on them, they can relax and stop picking on the girls so much. Things can then improve dramatically.
Best of luck and keep us all posted on how things go.

ATTENTION PARENTS: Do you have any thoughts for the mom? Please share them.