Back to normal.. I pray

[MomInFLA]

ok folks!! Listen up! If someone told me in January 2005 that my kid would be OK I would not have believed it(Dr Mike did, but I was convinced my son was lost forever) I had to come back to tell you all that I read this book like my bible every night. If nothing else it reassured me that this is normal...this is normal...this is normal...but I now realize that I took so much of his advise during that time and now looking back on that horrible time (Lasted about three months) it makes so much sense. I was a wreck, I truly felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. My son who was always smiling turned into a *monster* that I didnt even feel comfortable having him in my house. There was drinking, drugs, sex and not coming home, skipping class and going to the office at school to drop out... he is 16 Threats to run away , live with his friend (not a safe house, for sure) OUT OF CONTROL

Doc Mikes book helped me handle this rage. I simple resigned myself to the fact that he was goig to do all these things anyway so why was I getting so upset. We took everything away from him No Car... he had to rely on his friends to drive him everywhere. No cell...so that meant his *friends* had to go through ME to get to him. AND NO MONEY. He was welcome to eat what we had. And no crying or putting my life on hold because he wanted to act like a punk. I literally was ready to do battle

SOOOOO... he finally asked to talk to us... we sat down with him with a piece of paper and asked him to let us know what we could do that would make him happy. He began listing some things and we countered. Had it in writing..Let up on him..and left him responsible for his behavior. We let him know that he would be drug tested and tested for alcohol before we would EVER let him drive.

We also told him he could go live with his (other) friend if it was ok with the parents. By leasing up on his curfew and negotiating a little with him, it made a world of difference. He is now looking for a job We gave him a taste of driving (limited ) again so he is very eager to keep the PRIVELEDES and not losing them again. He smiles and eats dinner with us and watches television with us again. He calls when he is going to be late or out after school. And he is playing high school hocky. So keep the faith...Go along with the flow. I am just so happy I have this book and have recpommended it to many many people. Thank you Doc.. You really are a life saver!

[kkelli]

I posted our story under the parenting forum. We have also started seeing the light recently. It lasted about three months with our daughter too. Things are not perfect but are so much better. I am so grateful for the book. Once I calmed down, stopped crying, stopped being so scared all the time, I could see what I needed to do. We set limits with love instead of anger. I let her know how proud I am of how far she has come, and how proud she should be of herself. She is so much happier now. You just have to hang in there and don't ever give up. I think it would be great to post more "happy endings" to give other parents hope.

[MomInFLA]

Well I am learning to live DAY to DAY Just when I think he is doing great something else happens. His friends (particularly girlfriend who is a senior and he is a sophmore) is the reason for a lot of his WRONG choices. But as long as he continues to make those choices none of the priveledges will be returned to him. I finally realized that I am in the drivers seat here. I honestly believe that once she is out of the picture things will return to normal, until then she is leading my kid down a bad path. I just wish he would step up and do what is right. Tonight he missed his hockey game because SHE had to come and we wouldnt let him drive 20 miles at 10:30 for a late game which would be over at 11:30 and he wouldnt get done until 12:45. I just siad ok thats fine I see you are continuing to make the wrong choices.

I am just so thankful for Doc Mike and his forum so we can relate to one another and not feel so isolated. WHAT DID THEY EVER do before computers and the opportunity to share stories and give others going through the same thing, hope that their teen will turn around too, as long as we DONT GIVE UP.

[kkelli]

Support is so important, and your close friends may not understand what you're going through. We still take it day by day too. The one issue we are still watching carefully is the boyfriend. He is still using a lot of manipulation to pull her back in. I found that having many people who she respects stay close to her on this issue (friends, aunts, grandparents, teachers), helps her to see things more realistically. She knows we will not allow her to date him because we love her and it's not safe. But she could choose to go back to how things were before and still do that. What's so important is that she is choosing not to. I know things could change again and probably will, but I also feel strong enough to handle it.

[cgmom]

Dear Mom in Florida: I noticed from some of your posts that you're in the Tampa area. We've been having a terrible time lately with our 17 yr old son, anger issues, pot issues, staying out late, sex, and dealing with losing 5 of his friends in the last year to auto accidents. Been trying to get him to a counselor, and it's just been a comedy of errors lately. The first time he was in the car on the way, and President Bush was in town and backed traffic up. They never made it. Had an appointment last week, and the psychologist had an emergency and will be out 3 to 4 weeks. We need someone NOW, although it's an issue as to how we'll get him there. He's 17 and a half, and reminds us hourly he can't wait till he's 18. By any chance can you recommend anyone in the Tampa area that relates well to teens and can address anger mangement, grief and substance abuse issues? Thanks, and continued good luck with your son. I agree Dr. Bradley's book has been a life saver.

[MomInFLA]

I am facing the same thing right now. Im looking for someone to talk to my son. I have a very close friend who is a doctor and I will talk to him tomorrow My son just now agreed to see someone so I will be actively seeking assistance and as soon as I get a name I will contact you immediately. Iknow you want this to happen yesterday but I will certainly do my best to contact you asap. Good luck to you too.

[sadmom]

My daughter is 15, turning 16 in 6 weeks and is planning to leave home. We have been through a year of hell. She has been diagnosed with depression, has lived in a residence for teens with behaviour problems, and gets conselling weekly in our home. We have done it all, and with no success. She says she hates our home and she can't wait to leave.
To complicate matters, she has a friend who's mother takes the "I'll be your friend" approach to parenting. When we had problems last summer, she allowed our daughter to stay with her without even speaking to us and told us we were bad parents(based on what my then 14 yr old said about us!). My daughter plans to go back there. We asked this woman to support us in keeping our daughter at home to work out her issues, and because we love her very much. She agreed only to not talking to our child until she turns 16.
So, how do I take control here?
My heart is aching. Any help, insight , or even kind words are appreciated.
Sadmom

[MomInFLA]

Sadmom
WOW what these teenagers have to go through today! I have had a year of hell with my son. He will be 17 in October. (we still have issues) We finally got him to go to a psychologist HE was tested and diagnosed with adhd and is on medication (which I am not so crazy about) but it seems to be helping him. I think his problem was is) PEERS and fitting in) Its sad but I really believe we lose our kids from 13-19 or 20. Then they start realizing WHO really loves them the most. Right now its all about FRIENDS and nothing else matters. It hurts but trust me they come back. I have three others who went through the same thing and they are 20 22 aqnd 24 now and tell us we are the best parents and thank you for staying by us through those tough years and never giving up. My approach to my son was to say ... ok go and live with your friend, as long as the parent calls me and we speak and I know you are safe and it is ok with them, then you may go. I couldnt believe how fast that turned around. He didnt go (he was going to move to Alabama with his GF and her mother condoned it because that was going to be the only way she got her daughter to leave) Great huh? So she was using my son to do that and being his advocate Im sure against us because of what he told her about our parenting. The only thing we were (are) guilty of was caring and loving and NOT giving in to his madness. I Can go on and on and on but I just wanted to reassure you that the fighting does no good. I took Doc Mikes advice and realized that perhaps being away from us (in a safe place) will give us the much needed peace we both needed. It may not be a bad thing to let her go IM SURE THE MOTHER IS NOT GOING TO BE so willing to take her side and be her friend when she has to deal with your daughter and her own problems. Hang in there and dont be sad. Its all part of loving our kids more than our lives. This may not work for you but it helped us. Every situation is unique. GOOD LUCK and please feel free to write me anytime

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Sadmom,
Talk this over privately with your therapist to see what she thinks is appropriate at this point. There might be legal issues in your state about a 16 year old moving out without your permission.
Beyond that, you might need to lose this battle in a way to set up winning the war. By that I mean that if your therapist agrees that your daughter should move out, perhaps say something like, "Sweetheart, I'm so sorry that we've come to this point. We love you very much, and our door is always open to you. We will miss you terribly. But if you truly feel that you need to leave, we will not stand in your way. You let us know what you think is best for you."
Sometimes when you stop resisting the demand of a teen, that demand becomes a lot less attractive to her (as MominFla found). And living apart for a time does provide a good "time out" where everyone can sit and reflect quietly a bit, something that can't happen when every moment is consummed by the battle.
Please remember that this game is NOT about the next year, but about the rest of your lives. Don't try to win the first inning at the cost of losing the game.
Good luck.

[MomInFLA]

Hi CGMom
I found a great psychologist and my son even drives there! Every week Something I thought would never happen He is straight forward and gets him tosee some things he needs to change in his life. I could share that with you email me if you are still interested I know you were interested in Tampa but this Dr is in CLearweater

[sadmom]

Thank you so much for your quick reply Dr Bradley. I live in Canada where legal age of consent is 12 (!!) and a teen can leave home at 16. So, I will do my very best to follow your advice, even though it will be the hardest thing I've ever done. Wish me luck, and say a prayer.
Thanks also to MomInFla, your words gave me comfort and hope. It really does help to hear I'm not alone in my struggles. It was what I needed on a very dark day.

[cgmom]

Hi, MominFla: I could write a book on what has happened the last few months. We're feeling very battle-weary right now and just trying to maintain peace until the end of the school year. Yes, I would love to have the name of your psychologist. We've seen 2 since my last post. The 1st one did not go well and the last one only spoke to our son for about 5 minutes and then said there was nothing she could do for him unless he decided to cooperate. Needless to say he was not very cooperative, but I wonder how many teens are on their first visit. He's 17 and a half, almost 18 as he reminds us daily. My husband has given up on the counseling idea as long as we can maintain balance, although I still think he (and we) need it. The main issue at the root of the problems is weed, weed, weed. He won't stop it, defends it to the end, and we won't tolerate it. When we take that out of the picture, things are okay. Anyway, I'd appreciate the info. I don't have your E-mail address. Is there some way to get it off here? It sounds like things are going better for you. I'm rooting for you! Thanks again.

[MomInFLA]

Well everything is status quo right now this minute, in 5 minutes things could change. I have learned to enjoy the peaceful times while they last. I really just laid it on the line and repeated to my son what the truancy officer told us. You must provide food clothing and shelter until they are 18. You dont have to give them anything else. AND WE DIDNT. Took his car, phone and that was that. I finally became indifferent to his attitude. I told him the only thing I was guilty of is loving him and not giving up on him. I told him I believe in him still and I trust he will see the light and realize we are not his enemy. I drug test him and tell him if he ever tests positive there willbe no car until he tests clean. He has tested clean. I guess the car thing is a BIG deal for him. He seems to be coming around but only after I stopped all drama and showed no emotion. We have been married 30 yrs this year and I wasnt about to have him ruin that. He was getting very close. We were (husband & I) always on edge, waiting for a phone call or something else to happen. I dont know how to get you my email address I will look into it and get you his name. Good luck I know its so hard but things have a tendency to turn around when we least expect it! Hang in there You will hear from me soon.