13 yr old plans rendezvous: HELP

[clusswoman]

In 5th grade my daughter had a puppy love thing in school with a boy in her class. We moved in 7th grade and when she turned 13, we allowed her to take calls from him. (no dating until 15) We didn't think it was a big deal because he lived out of state.

Come to find out our daughter has been asking friends to let this boy stay with them over spring break. It seems the boy's mother is letting him come to our town without asking me and has given him condoms. (her rationale is that she's a good parent because she's being safe! GRR) My 13 year old has decided he's the one, she's going to have sex, and thought to keep this huge master plan a secret. Thank goodness I found a note in her pocket that talked about her having sex with this kid!

I can stop this now that I know but the real problem is this: This boy has a girlfriend, calls my daughter daily telling her he loves her and is just using the other girl until we can move back. All of this seems okay with her. I've told her countless times that a guy like this doesn't respect her and just wants one thing. In the note she's laughing to her friend about what we said like it's a big joke.

I can't stop the phone calls. She uses her friend's cell phones at school and they also text from there. (Parents, what is the deal with giving kids cell phones when they aren't driving yet!) She has no confidence, wants attention. I'm afraid therapy will be useless because it's exactly the kind of drama and attention she's looking for. Every year, no matter how we try to help her see the results of her choices, she just doesn't care. Help! I need advice because I'm starting to examine boot camps!!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
If you want destructive "drama and attention", go the boot camp route. You'll likely get lots of it. If you want to avoid the "drama and attention", go the therapy route. That's exactly what counseling is about: to get to the root of the issues that cause all of the "drama and attention."
Your daughter is playing a dangerous game that she does not understand. Therapy might give her a chance to figure out what's driving this before she gets hurt. Please move quickly to get her to a good shrink.
Please keep us posted. There are countless parents of 13-year-old girls dealing with this same frightening scenario these days.
Good luck.

[clusswoman]

Thanks for the response. Here's an update:

After my husband and I discussed this with her, she didn't deny any of it, then later said she'd been molested when she was 10!! At the risk of sounding like a bad parent, I'm not sure I believe this completely. She has her first GYN appt. today and seems excited about it. (Grr..) Hopefully the GYN will be able to tell me a few things. I am going to get her counseling, definitely.

My last question is this... The boy she is accusing lives in another state. (we moved) He would have been sixteen when she was ten. I don't every remember her alone with him..ever and she's always known right from wrong. She knows to come to us no matter what. We have always been open. I remember her having a crush on this kid and it's possible she kept going over for attention, even knowing it's wrong. Why would she bring this out in the open now? To get out of grounding? She doesn't seem upset at all about it...ugh! I'm so confused and struggling not to be a bad parent with this. I don't want to give too much attention but don't want to not give enough.

Thanks for all of your help!

[Hermom]

Dear Dr. Bradley,
Does your reply indicate that you don't approve of boot camp? I'm just wondering what your professional assessment of them are. Actually, my daughter is a very sensitive, fragile child...but she's getting SO resistant to accepting guidance and parenting from me, that there are days when I worry that boot camp might be in our future. Your opinion is appreciated!!

[Mike Bradley]

To Clusswoman:
Your excellent questions must be sorted out by a shrink after she gets to know your family a bit. I'd leave the discussion alone for now until your daughter gets started in counseling, unless she initiates the conversation.

To Hermom:
Punch up the National Institutes of Health research released 10/04 called "Get Tough Programs Don't Work." Their review showed that just like corporal punishment, boot camps AT BEST make no long-term difference, and usually make things worse for kids. The same research showed that unsexy, boring, quiet counseling and parent training had the best results in helping troubled kids. Being ex-military, I truly wish that boot camps worked. Things would be so easy then. But they don't.
The fact remains that only us parents can best help our kids, particularly when they're crazy.
In the final analysis, love is the magic after all. But we all knew that all along, didn't we?
Be well

[Hermom]

Thank you Dr. Bradley for your comments and research on the boot camp idea. Yes, I do feel in my heart that what my kid needs most of all is my love, even when, in fact, ESPECIALLY when, she's pushing me away HARD. I guess it's part exhaustion and part fear that I won't be able to protect her from herself until she reaches adulthood...but every once in a while I wonder if there's a better answer than my slow-but-steady efforts.

[MLL]

I also had asked about boarding schools for our 15 yr old son a month or so ago.

Dr B, your response was essentially the same and I can't tell you how shocked I was at my gut response to the idea that being away from us wouldn't solve the problem in all likelyhood.

There was a voice in my head saying " I just don't care, I can't take this any more"

I was so ashamed of myself and discouraged. This followed a night when we had to call 911 and have him taken out of the house for his violent behavior. The Police were terrific, they could tell this was a good kid just not doing well, and 2 sad and frustrated parents ( and one younger brother who worships / hates his older brother) . He's starting "non-judicial parole" where hopefully after some time the parole officer will determine that things have changed, and he will not have to appear before the judge.

We are seeing lots of Drs, doing lots of therapy, and will be starting a special plan for him in school, his grades have bottomed out.

I think I can see an improvement, and agree that even if I get a good 10 minutes in 3 days with him. It's better than looking for someone to just "fix it".

I just wanted to share with others that the toll this takes on you can really effect your reasoning. And I can't believe how hard I was being on myself.

PS, we have found a 4 week summer camp where they both will be able to go ( drama and music focus ) Thank God for Grandparents !!!!!

The Drs think this will be great for both of them and very stress free. I pinch myself when I think about it. I'm trying to be realistic and remember that something could happen to prevent him from being able to go, but summer is his best time.

I'm glad I didn't listen to the voice in my head, I knew in my heart that things may be tougher than we'd ever imagined, but I want to appreciate every moment with him the best that I can.

[janetmcilvaine]

Dr. Bradley, you mentioned parent training in 2 of your recent newsletters. where can i read more about this very desirable "parent training"?

is it something that professionals can be certified in? certified to conduct training I mean. like being certified to teach.

is it something that parents can get certified in? like CPR training?

i am interested in fostering parent training in our community. i want to understand how other communities deliver this training - through schools it seems to me you mentioned in the 2nd of the 2 newsletters praising a program that featured a panel of students.

I will also check out the NIH research you mention in this thread for possible guidance.

On a personal note, I am a believer and a beneficiary of the traing you provide in your book. and i tell other people about what i've learned all the time. I've been reading "Yes, your teen is crazy" since my daughter was about 9. She's 14 now and has a boyfriend, a best friend who is dealing with aneorexia - which my daughter helped to pull out of the closet, and is experiencing some struggles with grades though she's always been an honors student...but i haven't lost her and she's not climbing out the window at midnight and she tells me things and then says, "other kids don't talk to their parents like this" or "i probably shouldn't be telling you this." My inner dispassionate cop listens with practiced breathing and focusing on the end goal...what do we want out of this situation...keep your eye on the ball and bring everything back to the ultimate objectives. everything else is simply static.

I thank God and Dr. Bradley that she's still talking to me everytime. And I feel so deeply for these parents who are hurting and experiencing as many growing pains as their kids.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Janet,
First, thank you so much for the wonderful thoughts you gave to other parents on this forum. You leave me little to add in response to their questions.
Their are many parent training models out there, most are excellent and most are very similar. You can "Google" search for the published programs. Some of these offer specific training and "in-house" certifications. Even better, you might chat with your local human services agencies to see about participating in and/or providing training. One wonderful group to start with might be the Parent Encouragement Program (www.ParentEncouragement.org). They train trainers who then work with parenting groups. If you want, you might contact their Kensington, MD group at 310 929 8824 for info. Ask for Cheryl Wieker and tell her I said Hey! She thinks I'm OK except for my advocating using "bribes" with kids (OK, Cheryl- I'll call it "incentives").
Be well!

[janetmcilvaine]

Thanks, I will check out the Parent Encouragement site and try to figure out who our local "human services agencies" are that would be appropriate to partner with.

my significant makes a good point...my helpful thoughts arise from the fact that i've spent the past 10 years reading every self help book known to man...motivated by having been so messed up from my own growing up and so determined not to repeat the pattern in my own parenting...so here's to Charles Whitfield and the whole crew of authors like you who help the mired like me find our way to a saner life.

P.S. I was skeptical about that bribe bit myself but 2 friends in different states independently credited bribes as a motivating strategy with their teen daughters who are now 20 year olds - so there's anecdotal evidence in support of your bribe theory.