perplexed

[susan boehnke]

We tried what you advised gave my daughter consequences in a supportive manner, including a curfew ladder where she earned our trust back. She is still testing her limits, sneaking out her bedroom window at times, lying about where she is going. We always catch her, we offer what I consider fair consequences, grounding for a short time, we are consistent, have controlled our anger, but she continues to blatantly lie to us. She still is not into drug and heavy alcohol use, but seems just want to do what she can to have FUN.
mY husband and I have set our non negotiable paramaters, midnight curfew unless negotiated, no overnights with out parents there, no drinking and driving, call us from anywhere for a ride with no questions asked.
What gets me is when did this overnight thing begin.?All the kids in this community spend most of their weekends doing overnights with their friends. In our generation, we remember special slumber parties, but they were very few and far between, not this every weekend thing. Am I being unreasonable to want my 16 year old chaperoned after midnight? Is it unreasonable to have her check in. is it okay to let her do what ever she wants just so she can be with her friends? I am very confused.

[Darren Scott]

Dear Susan,

Sounds like you're really up against a tough situation there. I don't know about those allnight weekend activities?? What is there for a kid to do after 2 am besides get in trouble?

I have to wonder what your daughter thinks though when you say in one breath that you and your husband have non-negotiable rules, and then say "unless negotiated" for the curfew. Does your daughter really know what you expect of her, and if she's getting caught all the time, and continues to break the rules anyway, what is the final consequence?

You may have already done this already, but I'll say what I would do anyway... 1) make sure your daughter understands your reason for concern (you love and want to protect her), 2) make sure she understands the rules, and then 3) setup consequences for her not following those rules. You need to make clear what ultimate price she'll pay for disobeying, and only you can decide how far you're willing to take it.

You simply can't let your 16 year old make the rules.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
First of all, yes, all teens need adults in the house as a safety net at sleepovers. Unchaparoned get-togethers are recipes for disaster, even with the best of kids who might try very hard to be good but can't handle the crush of kids who often show upwhen the word gets out that no parents are home.
Second, moderate your check in rule depending upon how reliable your daughter is. If she's sneaking out, that's a sign she needs to check in more. If she starts to do better, lengthen the line a bit.
Third, yes it is very common for kids now to sleep over as much as they can. If you don't resist this too much it typically is a phase that ends. Let her know that you know how critical her friends are to her right now, but keep negotiating on the trust issue. Talk about your fear and sadness when you find she's snuck out, that this somehow just has to stop. Ask for her suggestions on how to stop it. Perhaps if you can let her sleepover more (in safe places) she can agree to end the jailbreaks?
At all costs, keep your rage out of it. It sounds so far that these are minor tests. But if you get evidence that drugs are involved, then she must be reigned in. At that point offer sleepovers at your house, but no where else for awhile until you can try again on the trust issue.
By the way, at 16 there can not be any "light" use of alcohol. You must maintain a zero tolerance policy. How can you safely differentiate light from heavy use? It's all illegal and dangerous, although they will experiment anyway. Draw your line at zero. It's easier to enforce than negotiating two, three or six beers.
Stay calm, keep using your skills, ride out this storm and keep us posted.

[A pissed teen]

You know what your problem is? You like to generalize people. According to your "advice" you must have been a porn crazed kid. And you also must have been crazy(if your still not crazy). The forums and your book are pieces of ****. People might as well go to a talk show like Maurie or something like that. I hear you talking on tv blah, blah, blah, teen, blah, blah, blah, problem, blah, blah, blah, communication. It's actually kinda funny that you think people actually care about what you have to say. My advice to you is to take your book and shove it up your ***. And then all the bad parents who have to call your show and instead of getting professional help can pull it out and read it!!!!!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear P.O.'d Teen,
I'm afraid you are correct in pointing out the dangers of generalizing about people. This always has bothered me not just about writing books or answering questions, but about doing psychotherapy in general. It really is a very arrogant thing to do when you think about it. But when you see the amount of pain that so many parents are in, terrified about losing their kids, you have to respond in some fashion, don't you think? If you survey the postings in the forum you can see a lot of scared parents who love their adolescents very much but feel so overwhelmed and frightened of doing something wrong since the risks for teenagers today are so much greater than ever before. I don't feel like I can just leave them hanging out there. Which brings me to my request of you.
Another criticism implicit in your letter is that the forums are all adults talking about teens. It would be great if you would consider providing an adolescent perspective to some of the issues we discuss here. In the book I'm currently writing adolescents are submitting pieces to me which I'm putting in the book. It's really a collection of their views on the issues of the first book. The title is Yes, Your Parents are Crazy! and it's turning out to be a fascinating work. Similarly, teenaged input into these forums would be great. Please think it over. You might be able to help some folks a lot.
Mike Bradley