Teen and cocaine

[janny100]

Hi,

I've heard from a reliable source that my sister "Carol" (18 and turning 19 this year) was seen using cocaine at a party and is defintiely smoking.

I'm 24 now and married and don't live at home. Carol is not going though a good period. She is a very angry teen and often verbally abusive to our parents. About a year ago she was VERY CLOSE from being kicked out of school. She had a pretty big intervention kind of thing there from our parents and is still in school and showed improvement.. But still not doing very well.

The parents are at a point now where they kind of turn a blind eye to her because of how much stress she has caused over the years. She is barely home. And comes home stinking of smoke and some signs of drug use (bloodshot eyes etc.). Extremely grumpy and next to impossible for her parents to talk to her. They are extremely giving parents and the inability to take a hard line is probably a contributing factor to where the situation is now (she doesn't have respect for them). Now it's even harder for them to talk to her because of how long it's gone on.

She has been to a psychologist before actually.. some of the problems seemed to be the moving out of me and her other sister.

She doesn't really respect my words either, but I love her dearly and I'm extremely worried. This year, my husband and I had a best friend die from drug-related issues (24 years old). Also, after losing my grandma in her young 60's has me very sensitive about smoking. I cry just thinking about Carol even smoking.

My first reaction when I found out was instant crying and anger. Then I wanted to call her and yell at her, but my husband calmed me down and said this had to be approached cautiously and thought out to not make the wrong move.

So we decided to post this to try and get some more advice before we decided what to do..

Should we talk to her first? Tell my parents first? Talk to my other sister first? I'm just not sure what the right move is to do here. Any advice and comments would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for your time.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Janny,
This is a situation best handled in a step-wise progression, designed to give the best chance for your sister to wake up and take charge of herself. Start with the least intrusive measures.

The first step is for you to try and get calm. You have to be dispassionate in confronting your sister, or little good will emerge from tbat meeting. If your own losses have you too raw right now, perhaps find another family member who can stay cool. Often respected in-laws (such as your hubby?) can provide that balance of familiarity and distance. Have the goal as getting your sister back to the psychologist, versus stopping drugs. She/he will be in the best position to help your sister decide what her next step should be (therapy, rehab, and so on). The drug use may only be a symptom of some other hidden issue(s).

Next, try a one-on-one meeting at the coffee shop. Ask for opening ground rules where each person gets to talk for 2 minutes at a time without interruption. Lay out your observations and concerns calmly. Don't argue points, just say. "Well, it looks to me that..." versus "You gotta understand that..." Don't push for an immediate answer, but ask that she think this over for a week and let you know what she decides to do.

If after all this your sister continues to use dangerous drugs, then you must tell your parents. If they are in fact unable to make a stand, suggest that they see a shrink to get help on helping their daughter. Tell them that as painful as it is to confront a drug using child, it's unimaginably more painful to attend her funeral, particularly with thoughts like, "Why in God's name didn't we..."

Please keep us posted. Many of us deal with similar problems in our own families.

Good luck and be well.

[janny100]

Hi Dr. Bradley,

Thanks SO MUCH for your response. This is the husband now (brother in law to Carol).

You suggested exactly what I was thinking. Of all the people I probably had the best chance of getting through to Carol and talking to her.

So my plan was to take her out for coffee and talk to her one on one. I felt that would be the best chance for success as I'm probably one of the few people she actually gives respect to and likes.

She talks a lot over MSN Instant Messenger though (she's 18 and I'm 24 and our age groups do a lot of communicating over this medium). And when I told her I wanted to take her out (and wouldn't tell her why) she really didn't want to and wanted me to tell her over MSN.

I agreed, because I actually think I had a better chance of being able to say what I wanted to say properly that way. Where I could edit/rewrite etc. before I press enter. I lose by not seeing facial expressions, but I gain by making sure I get to say everything I want to say.

We had a good long conversation (bout an hour)... I wasn't mad or anything, but I expressed my concerns and I kept it light. She was really mad and upset at some points int he conversation. I was prepared for this, I was just hoping she didn't quickly go offline and end the conversation. (but she stuck around till the end)

At the end of the conversation, she did deny that she has ever used coke. She did admit she smokes pot occasionally, but not very much.

I'm a pretty good read of people, even over MSN.. so the conversation left me with a good feeling.

I'm not 100% convinced that she never tried coke at that party, but I do believe that she isn't into it. She also knows that there are people who care about her now and people that are watching and she knows I'll do whatever it takes to ensure that she stays away from the hard stuff.

My wife and I are going to try and get her to come out with us more and try and get more involved in her life and be positive influences that she needs.

All in all, I think the conversation wen't as good as could be hoped. She did get upset, but at the end she knew she had some people that really cared for her and I think she felt good about it.

Hopefully she's not getting in a bunch of fights with all her friends trying to find out who was the person that told me :).

So, I'll be watching her like a hawk. I told her I know shes smoking cigarettes but we didn't really talk about that... I'll tackle that one with her in a few weeks maybe :)

Again thank you so much for the advice you gave me... It was actually me that wrote the original message on behalf of my wife.

So I think from here, I'll leave it and continue to watch and try and do the things that I said.