Unapologetic for pot use

[regina]

Dear Dr. Bradley,
My husband and I discovered that our son (then 16) was smoking pot about a year ago. We got him into therapy and treament for depression, but the pot smoking has continued. He admits that he uses and claims that it is no big deal and he has no plans to stop. We confront him every time he comes home smelling of pot, and every time he denies that he has used. He claims that we are overreacting and that he uses very infrequently. Our best estimate is that he uses twice a week during school, and five times a week on his vacation weeks.
His therapist is very concerned and has considered dropping him if he refuses to stop using. We have asked her not to do that as therapy has helped him considerably with the depression. We have called the parents of the kids he is smoking with and gotten their assurances that they will be more vigilant. He was enraged by this.
We know that you do not recommed punishment, and he claims that our bugging him about this will only make him smoke more. This is really poisoning our relationship with him. What can we do?
Thanks for your help.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Your number one goal here is to walk that fine line between battling the weed use as best you can WITHOUT losing your connection to your son's heart. Here that means dispassionately continuing to object to the drug use but without punishments or screaming sessions that just make him hate you and justify his doing more drugs. Your endless line to him should be that you love him to death, and that his drug use makes you terrified for his future. Show your fear to him, not your anger and control. Your fear and love are much more powerful weapons. Here are a few other thoughts:

-Ask the therapist to NOT give up on this kid. I've had many long "running gun battles" (debates) with kids over marijuana use over many months of therapy, and sometimes I want to quit as well. However, almost always, I've eventually had the enormous satisfaction of hearing kids like your son say, "You know, maybe my weed use IS a problem..." Her constant, objective feedback to him is critical, ESPECIALLY when she thinks she's wasting her time and your money.
-Don't do punishments, do consequences. Set up an incentive program where he can earn what he wants through sobriety. For example, you can offer car use for quitting weed. The agreed-upon consequence is that if he uses again, the keys get hung up for awhile since it is dangerous to DUI. Present this not as a punishment, but as "dispassionate" recognition of his not being responsible enough yet for the privilege of driving. But always set the new goal for his getting the thing he wants ("Son, if you can stay clean for one month, we'll try again with the car, fair? And if you can't, then maybe the weed is more of a problem than you think?")
-Please ask him to read pages 170 to174 of YES, YOUR PARENTS ARE CRAZY ("Marijuana-The 'Booze lie' of Your Culture"), then ask him to write to this website to tell me what he thinks of that section. Likely he thinks that weed is not a drug, and is not addicting.

These are the times that try the souls of parents. But the odds are great that in ten years this trauma will be nothing but a funny story to a sober adult son, and a small chapter in an otherwise wonderful book for two parents who have more gray hair than they should.
Hang in there.

[regina]

Dear Dr. Bradley,
Thank you so much for your insights. We will try our best and keep you posted.
Regina

[regina]

Dear Dr. Mike,
I just wanted to let you know that we have seen some very positive changes in our son since acting on your advice. He realized that he had to get more serious about school if he was going to graduate, so he cut way down on his pot use and pulled out a decent last quarter average. He graduated on time and got himself a summer job in a day camp. I am very pleased to report that he has not picked up the weed habit again. We have not seen any signs of use in weeks.
You were right to suggest the use of consequences and talking instead of punishment. He is continuing with therapy, and seems happier than he has in over a year. When I had him read the pages you suggested, we had a good discussion about the effects of weed. He said he could not believe that I was emailing an author about him!
Thank you so much for your help and for having this terrific resource for parents.
Regina