19 leaving college & family

[hrr57]

Dear Dr. Bradley: My oldest son, 19 years of age, just finished his first year in an out state university. He basically flunked two semesters and lied to our face for this past year. He blames me for being strict and not listening to him. He's probably right. My wife and I have been very protective of him, his brother and sister. Before he finished the year I told him that no matter what he was thinking there is always viable options. he can take a break from college, work, and later work and study. Just came back home a week ago. last night I had a heart to heart conversation with him. I was calm and collected, and I listened to whta he had to say. His "plan" is to go back to his college town, get a job, rent a place, and go back to school later on. I told him that he can do the same thing at home. My wife and I can help him out getting re-started and back in track, provide some financial support and lots of TLC. However, he claims that he has to cut the umbilical cord. My wife and I are so afraid that he may go the wrong way, become frustrated and do some something stupid that he may regret the rest of his life. I told him that we as family need to get professional help, he said that's bull****! We don't know what to do. Your advice please. Thanks.
God bless your heart

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Dad,
Unless there is evidence of serious drug use, your son's plan sounds right on. What he's likely talking about is growing up, and trying to figure out how to deal with the world on his own, away from the protection of Mom and Dad. The fact that he's still willing to fight his way through this is great. Many kids just quit, come home, and let their parents make their beds everyday while they watch TV. You don't want that.
One option you could throw his way is to investigate the "Year Off" programs (i.e. The Interim Program in Princeton) where young folks like your son can do unique things like teach English in Nepal, or deck hand a schooner in the Caribbean, or assist a master gardener at a castle in Ireland (I know- we parents see these lists and WE want to sign up). These are great places to think, reflect, and grow up a bit, away from home.
If he insists on keeping to his plan, give him a huge hug, tell him that you love him like crazy, and that he's absolutely right- that it is time for him to go, if that's what his heart is telling him. Say that your door is always open, but that you understand, and that you admire his courage. He's becoming an adult, and that's a thing we can't gift to our children no matter how much we love them. True character is something that they must fight for on their own. There is no other way.
Love your son enough to let him go. He will love you in return for that gift.
Be well, and please let us know how things turn out.

[Mamma D]

Dear Dr. Bradley, Really? We have a similar situation....1 year of college wasted and our son has moved in to a friend's house (i.e., animal house). He's got a tatoo and a lovely lip ring that thankfully he does take out for special occassions (like job hunting and graduation parties and visiting grandma). On the plus side he got a decent job in a factory. But on the minus side I think he's partying too much and hanging out with/living with other kids that drink too much and just aren't going anywhere. Like hrr57 I'm just so worried about him (worried sick is an appropriate description) and his decision making ability and find it very hard to see this as moving forward. I feel like he is teetering on the edge of a potentially terrible crisis. Anyway, thanks for the forum and thanks for all your support for parents, Dr. Bradley, its absolutely the toughest thing I've lived through yet.

[regina]

Dear Dr. Bradley,
I can relate to what these parents are saying. I wish my 18year old son had a plan of any kind. He has been home from college for a month, and we are not at all certain if he can or will go back. He really goofed off this year so he is on probation and one credit short to continue. He has been getting phone calls from his advisor who wants him to take a summer course but he has done nothing about this. He claims to want to go back to school because he "can't think of anything else to do." He also claims to need money, but he has made only half hearted attempts to find a job, all on leads that we have given him. He stays out past 1AM every night and sleeps past noon every day. He has a history of marijuana use, so he is probably smoking with his friends, but we don't think he is in possession of any weed.
We are not giving him any money. We live in the city, so there is no car to take away. Threats and ultimatums make him shut down even more. Is there anything else we can do?
Regina

[Mike Bradley]

First please accept my apology for this delayed response. I've not been able to keep up with the letters to this forum (Attention other child experts and parents: PLEASE HELP BY RESPONDING).

Sit down and fashion a contract with your son for his continuuing to live in your home. Negotiate clear and enforceable limits of behavior such as curfews, deadlines for employment and even drug testing if you suspect his using. Be prepared to change the locks if you must. Be clear with him that these are not "threats and ultimatums" but rather basic rules to help him function on the world, expectations administered by you with love, but with firmness.

Ride out his ensuuing trantrums and be very clear that you love him too much to allow him to slowly self-destruct in your home.

Good luck and keep us posted.