I don't know my daughter anymore...

[beckster]

I don't know where to start. I discovered a hickey on my daughters neck a week ago, and asked her about it. She said that it was no big deal, and skirted around the issue. I must admit I didn't dig for too much information, but it turns out that she was at a friends house and got together with a boy that was there. That's just the beginning. This morning I was picking some stuff up off of her floor and found her journal by her bed. I am embarrassed to say that i read some of the passages and that her "hickey encounter" was actually her first time having sex. I was devastated as she doesn't seem to know this boy well, and was drinking at her friend house and just decided to have "meaningless sex". It was like she was proud of what she had done.
We have always talked about sex (apparently much too superficially) and during our last conversation about it she said that she doesn't drink, do drugs or have sex. Apparently I've been duped. I think what hurts me the most is I always thought we had an open relationship, I've always told her that she could come to me with any questions or problems. I've always said that I would give her as much independence as I felt she could be trusted with, and she hadn't let me down until now. I feel like an ***** because I obviously gave her too much of a free reign. She is an honours student, but in the past few months has started to dress differently, which we've talked about - she says she is expressing herself so I've been biting my tongue. Her marks are still very good, she often talks about her future . I know that a teenage pregancy would be devastating for her. I don't know what to do. I do know that she has friends who are very pretty and always have boyfriends, and she has stated that she wishes she had a boyfriend on many occassions. I want her to know that having sex with a boy should be meaningful, and it hurts me to know that she has done this. I know reading her journal was wrong, but I can't take it back now and have absolutely no desire to ever do it again. How can I get things back on track with her?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
You must "dispassionately" confront your daughter in two steps. The first is to tell her that you did breach her trust by reading her personal journal. Let her be furious with you, and keep apologizing for your actions. Do not justify your "bad" by telling her about hers.Tell her that you see your behavior as a symptom of your lack of connection, where you feel that you are not as close with her as you'd like, but that you realize that spying on her will not bring you closer.
Then, in a separate meeting, say that you guys neeed to chat about what you read. Beyond that, you must improvise. It's possible that what she wrote is not true. But if it is, then you do need to talk quietly about what she did. DO NOT LECTURE OR YELL. Ask her to search her own feelings about her casual sexual encounter. Ask if she feels OK with doing that, or if she has any regrets. Most women are not able to have casual sex without feeling bad about themselves. See if you can get her to talk about her sexual values.
Remember that the safest kid is the one who passes on irresponsible sex because SHE believes it is wrong. That is the gold you must work towards.
If she appears to be out of control on this, get to a helper (therapist) quickly, and do place restrictions on her to keep her safe. But see the restrictions as your last-resort option.
Stay calm and focus on the long term goal---her ultimate sexual identity.
Good luck.

[beckster]

Dr. Bradley,
Thank you so much for your advice. I am saddened by my actions and need to make reparations before tackling what she has done.
I told her this morning that I needed to talk to her after school. I'll let you know how it goes.