There must be a time to give up; is it now?

[Stacy]

Oh Doc -

Issues for all forums, but as a single mom, I'm ready to give up. Recap: Son home from rehab in March after 4 months, relapsed somewhat, see's drug counselor once a week, will be 18 in Sept., has one year of HS left, won't ease up 6-day work schedule, visits Dad's regularly where "anything goes", has anger issues, Grandpa financed car, laxing on curfew, AND told me and the shrink he will no longer be taking his Prozac. A couple weeks ago his girlfriend cheated on him so he put two new huge holes in his bedroom walls, hangs everyday at his dad's, and started the coming/going as he pleases (but did check in as required). I told him I can't live this way and if he wanted to be at his dad's everyday, then come here and trash the place, he could move in with him. He was concerned about his Senior year at private school and I assured him that I would write the check. He feels that since he will be 18 soon, he can and will be making his own rules. And with his own car, he has been challenging me on curfew and came in at 3:50a.m. this morning. At 37, as an extremely single parent, I have made great strides over the last couple of years, but surprisingly - I'M REALLY BURNT! Plus, I have a 15 yr old daughter to look after. And for one gorgeous girl who has a mild social life, she's having sex now ya know and we had to do two pregnancy tests last week, etc. Hey, can I catch a break? LOL

SO, what's a single mom, who's ready to wash her hands of this truly wonderful son, to do?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
It might be time to visit son's therapist with him to negotiate what rules there must be for him to remain in your home. Most importantly, negotiate consequences for imfractions. For example, you might note that curfew infractions are to be viewed as his saying that he cannot live in your home, and thus will proceed directly to Dad's house instead of begging his way back into your home.
Yes, this might be similar to throwing him out, but the twist is that he throws himself out. Perhaps add that he is always welcome back to try again, but only after a minimum 30-day timeout at his Dad's house.
It is time to get more structured with him because you now need to focus on your younger child who is at imminent risk. As a single mom, this is "triage" time, where you must decide where your limited resources are put to best use. Such action might be very therapeutic for both kids in allowing them to see that there are limits for them.
Keep us posted.