excessive phone usage

[dad13yrold]

My 13 year old daughter is on summer vacation. On most days she stays up until 3 or 4 in the morning conversing with friends and acquaintances (mostly male). She then sleeps in until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. Some of the calls she gets are long distance. When I brought up limiting her phone usage she argues that because she doesn't have to get up the next day that there is no reason for a limit. She says that when school begins she will be off the phone by 9 pm. Should I insist on a limit or am I making too much of this ?

[WMAQ]

Dear dad13yrold
I know where you're coming from. With our 15 yr old daughter it was the phone last summer and now it's IM (Instant Messaging). We had limits during the school year (many times she would miss the time) but now we aren't limiting her time. She has reasoned with us that her consequence is being tired so she should have to deal with it. It's hard letting go, but as long as her chores get done, I can't see any reason to limit her time. I don't see us limiting her time during the school year unless we need to negotiate something if grades drop.
Giving up control on these things is difficult, because we want them to be doing better things with their time. I had to ask myself if she stayed up reading books until 3 AM would I limit her? I honestly answered no. So it was about me choosing her activity not her bedtime. I would appreciate other parents' input too.
Thanks and good luck!
WMAQ

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parents,
This problem raises the issues of balance and greater good that permeate so many teen questions. The fact is that a great way for kids to learn about sleep needs is to repeatedly stay up too late and then feel lousy the next day. So giving them some limited freedom to explore that behavior when the risks are low, such as on vacation, is a great idea.
That said, I would worry for any teen who routinely sleeps until 1PM for long periods of time (such as for a whole summer). First, if that means that they have little else to do, watch out. Idle minds are, well, you know. Those kids often are too old for camp but too young to work. Still, consider putting them on your own payroll (bribing them) to do some creative growth things like volunteering at the homeless shelter, daycare, or nursing home, preferably during the morning hours ("Dear, that way you'll have the rest of the day all to yourself").
A second problem is that some late sleeping kids can reset their sleep clocks to a point that they are unable to sleep normally in the fall when school starts. Ever try doing physics on 3 hours of sleep? It ain't pretty.
ATTENTION OTHER PARENTS: Thoughts?

[WMAQ]

Dear Doc Bradley,
I will try your idea. The problem I am having is communicating effectively with my 15 yr old daughter. We are working with a therapist so I'm hoping for some improvement. She seems resistant to my ideas and I struggle with how to change my approach to elicit a more positive reaction. Any suggestions from other parents would be welcome.

[Kate]

Now that I have a son in rehab and the future looks pretty treacherous, I can say that I regret not keeping a little more control over these smaller issues to keep them used to boundaries. We are learning that our lack of clear boundaries enabled his drug usage. There is nothing wrong with reasonable limits that keep you comfortable in your own home. We use that expression a lot in my parent support group.

[WMAQ]

I understand your point and I'd gladly "employ" my daughter to do any number of things to benefit herself - my ideas include paying her to read some classics, paint a watercolor, spend a week with her grandparents - but anytime I suggest anything she says all she wants to do is "relax" and "hang out" with her friends (that's what she suggests I pay her for). How do I force her if money isn't even a motivation?
She flunked English this past year - her first "F"ever. She says she understands her mistakes. Her teacher gave her the option of handing in the missing work but she opted for summer school (next year - when she's 16, the schools rule). She is a bright kid and tested into a advanced English/Social studies class for soph year. There is a summer project (very in depth) that is due the first day of school. I asked her if she had a plan for it. She said her only plan for this big class project is not to even think about it for two more weeks nd then she'll read the requirements maybe. So I'm stepping out of it because she asked me to and I know I've been too controlling in the past. She says she has to learn from her mistakes and I agree.
I think we (husband and I) are going through the grieving process of losing who we thought our daughter would be and learning to accept who she is right now. I keep Doc Bradley's phrases in my head when I can "They're crazy, this too will pass, they will be gone too soon, focus on the important stuff". All we do is keep trying.