clashing parenting styles

[collis30]

I'll try to keep this short as possible. Our problem is my husband and I have opposing parenting styles, and it's reached crisis proportions now that our kids are in their teens. He yells, belittles, treats with contempt, and metes out harsh punishments (i.e., lying about going to a concert on a school night resulted in grounding for the entire summer). I'm from a house where no one ever raised their voice in anger - at least the adults didn't. My mother, a former schoolteacher, always told me that once you raise your voice you've lost control of the situation, and in order to get respect you have to give respect, and I've tried to take that advice to heart, often, but not always, successfully.

We had our daughter (now 15) in counseling a year ago for cutting, plunging grades, sneaking out, etc. The counselor told us after a few sessions that she wouldn't talk to him at all and we should take her to someone she would talk to. Of course, she absolutely refuses to see anyone at all, despite bribes, etc. The counselor also spent one session with just my husband and me, asking questions, etc. He told us that since I was the nurturer, my husband the disciplinarian, we should switch roles. Well, I took over the discipline, but all he did was refuse to speak to the kids at all, except when something made him mad and he'd fly into a rage. He also is contantly at me for being too easy on the kids.

After his latest blowup I asked him to go in for some counseling with me because we needed to come to some agreement on how to handle things together since things aren't working the way they are now. He refused, saying he wasn't going to lower his standards because "some counselor" told him to, and the problem was with me for not having any control over the situation. So I went by myself to my daughter's former counselor, who told me my husband was a drill sergeant parent, and I was passive-aggresive in my reaction to him.

Now here's the real crux of the issue. My husband is disabled, has MS, and was forced to retire a few years ago. While he's always been a screamer and so forth, since his forced retirement he's gotten much worse. I'm sure he's suffering from some form of depression, but refuses to seek help, denies he has a problem, says he's living in hell because of the kids' misbehavior.

My dilemma is should I let my kids keep getting alternately ignored, yelled at, demeaned, and treated with contemp, while I try to do damage control after the fact, or do I pack up and leave my husband of 20-plus years until he gets the message that he has to do something to get control of himself? After all the complaining, I have to add, 1, that my husband's parents treated him just like he's treating our kids and, 2, before the MS he was about the most wonderful man alive, except in his parenting style. His mood seems to directly affect his MS symptoms, and leaving him would have a physically devastating on him, I'm sure. And yes, I've talked and talked to him, but it does no good. He's convinced I'm ruining the kids, and takes every opportunity to tell me so.

I'm not a perfect parent by any stretch; I have real consistency issues, and I'm working on them. But what does one do when only one-half of a couple is willing to get help? I've talked to another private counselor, school counselors, the school district psychologist, and what they've all told me is keep the relationship with your kids at all costs, over grades, messy rooms, body piercings, etc., so I've done that. I have a pretty good relationship with my kids, a little tenuous with my 15-yr-old daughter, but we still can talk and get along most of the time. She's no longer cutting, but her grades are still pretty bad. She's a former honor roll student, nationally ranked athlete, but now an indifferent-to-poor student who only wants to hang with friends. She may have an incredibly irritating attitude, but she can usually be reasoned with for issues such as curfew, etc., unless she's mad at her dad or me, then all bets are off and she'll do exactly what she wants. Even when she's furious she does still call me to let me know where she is, so I'll take what I can get. My husband wants to send her away to boot camp, even though she hasn't really done anything bad enough to warrant that, at least that we know about.

I hope this is somewhat coherent. I sure could use some help with this.
Thanks.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
What a terrible situation. You are indeed between the rock and the hard place. It sounds as if you've tried every nice way to get through to your husband, who sounds as if he's fallen down into a well of depression and can't get out. It might be time to stop being nice.
That might be hard for you, but here's the deal. Your husband on some level likely knows that he's being an S.O.B., and needs a artful kick in the pants to get him to acknowledge his own pain and anger. You might want to write him just as you've written us saying how wonderful he used to be before life savaged him, but that now he's nothing but angry. You might tell him that you are at the end of your rope, and that he MUST attend counsleing with you if the family is to survive. Tell him that shrinks agree that a lot of what we say is useless nonsense, but the 10% that we offer that helps can be gold. Ask him to fight out the parenting stuff with you in the therapy room so that you guys can sort out the best approach with the kids. Likely he has some good points as well.
But in the end, challenge him. Say that all you are asking of him as your partner of 20 years, is to "waste" an hour a week with a therapist. If he refuses that letter request, then directly ask him, "What are you scared of in the shrinks' office?" When he yells "NOTHING!", say, "Great! Then just waste one hour a week with me and I'll stop buggin you."
Please raise your voice. This is one of those rare times when we must yell at an adult to let them know that this is not "business as usual," that they must pay attention to what we have to say.
Good luck and please keep us posted.
Attention other spouses who've been through this: Any thoughts?