asexual? on the edge

[kcorbwg]

Recently my 16 year-old son has been dealing with depression and thoughts of suicide. He has become increasingly depressed over the past year. We initially wrote it off as “teenage craziness”. But the persistence of his depression caused us to seek counseling for him about five months ago. Things seemed to get a bit better for a while, then about a month ago everything bottomed out and you could rarely walk by him without being cussed or scowled at. He is currently taking medication (for about a month) and still seeing a counselor. I thought things were better as his disposition has been much better and he has been communicating with us in a much more civil manner.
Tonight he actually opened up to me a bit and revealed some very disturbing insights. He has admitted that things are no better for him . He says that there is nothing that we can do to help and he feels that he is destined to always be unhappy. He says suicide is inevitable at some point and will be the “final blow” to us. He “doesn’t think much of us as parents” he revealed (again) but this time not in the vicious manner that he has expressed in the past, but with a matter-of-fact voice followed by a hug..
He has one male school friend (recently acquired) whom he confides in and plans his day according to when his friend will be on the computer so that they can chat. He feels he may be asexual because he doesn’t feel any attraction to girls or boys sexually. He says he is not gay. He says he loves his friend because he was there for him emotionally when no-one else was. (he has resentment towards me and my husband and feels a lot of his unhappiness is a result in how we have raised him-he read a book by Sigmund Frued.) My son has always been a model child on the surface and he is extremely bright but has always had social problems with his peers to some degree.
He has always been extremely intelligent and achieved high grades. I suspect that being the “smart kid” carved his niche through grade school and made him “special” to some degree, allowing him to be accepted by his peers. He always has been witty, silly and fun to be with, but some of his off-the-wall behavior and lack of common interests with other kids seem to be the factors that prevented prolonged relationships.
He entered a one of the most academically prestigious high school in the state. I suspect that with him being amongst many other “smart’ kids he has lost his “niche” and is struggling with gaining acceptance. He has been first honors until the last quarter of this recent school year and has admitted that it is due to lack of interest or desire.
He has never been able to feel he fits in and has trouble doing things that other kids seem to be able to do easily. (anxiety /fear prevent him from getting a job, learning to drive etc.)
What will happen when/if he loses his friend that he confides in? Is there anyone else who has had success dealing with similar situations?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
Your son's primary issue is not his discomfort with others but with himself. He is developing a belief system (based upon his illnesses of anxiety and depression) that is very worrisome, especially the part about "being destined to be unhappy.” When these beliefs become solidified, they take on the power of predestination in that kids will make happen what they believe will happen. And the longer these beliefs live in kids, the harder they are to alter, and the higher the risks.
Regarding your “failure” as parents, for now understand that you are the dumping ground for his fear and self-loathing, and accept his feelings as being true for him saying, “I’m so sorry---tell us what we can do better” and ask that you parents be included in some sessions as well. It is VITAL that he feel the loving connections between you all to help keep him safe until the depression lifts.
If you haven’t already, be sure that he gets a thorough physical from a doc who knows exactly what is going on with your son to rule out any possible organic basis to his symptoms. Beyond that, push hard to continue the therapy and medication. The meds that he’s likely taking can take 3 to 5 weeks minimum to work, and often need to be played with a lot before they do what they can. In your son’s case they could make a huge difference.
Time is of the essence in challenging his belief system, so do whatever it takes to keep him in treatment.
Good luck and please keep us posted.