Teen car accidents

[MomofTeens]

The story:
17-year-old - excellent student (honors classes/As & Bs), athlete, respectful, overall great kid.

Parent bought car, but teen earns money for insurance, gas, etc.

4 fender benders in 2 years (not moving - all parking lots)

Minor issues, Teen paid for repairs in all cases out of own money.


The question:
What to do???????

Let teen keep driving?
Force teen to take defensive driving class?
Take away the car?

Help!!!!!!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Give this kid a huge hug, tell him/her that you love them like crazy, and that you enormously respect how she/he has taken responsibility for his/her lousy parking lot skills. Then ask what she/he has learned in reading all of those painful body shop estimates, as they relate to parking lot skills. If he/she seems to have learned little, perhaps offer to underwrite a few professional driving instructor sessions to be held in parking lots. We parents, by the way, are LOUSY driving instructors.

Remember the mantra: Our job is not to control our kids, but to help them to learn to control themselves. Taking this kid’s car away will create no learning but perhaps a lot of anger. These are not moving violations. Those things might warrant some "stand-down" time since they might show terrible judgment and/or impulse control problems.

Finally, keep very clear the distinction between problems of parking versus problems of character. My wife is the best person I will ever know, the one who had the guts to push me to adopt our daughter Sarah, who was born with and into terrible challenges. That same incredible woman has, for the second time in 5 years, mashed a brand new car into the garage door jamb while parking (God help me if she reads this). Probably much like your kid, my wife feels horrible enough about this without me piling on. We should love the people we love by giving them space to mess up, just as we would want if we mashed the cars.

Finally, give yourself a big pat on the back. Sounds like you’ve raised a wonderful kid.

[MomofTeens]

You've raised great points, thank you very much. We've expressed love and support and said "This doesn't make you a bad person." There has been no yelling at all. Just disappointment as this is incident #4.

Our concern is not about punishment, it's concern that the next one might involve serious damage or bodily harm - to our kid or someone else. Hitting a big parked car tells me our teen isn't paying attention or isn't careful enough.

...Turning 18 in mere months... Are we doing enough to keep our teen (and the roads) safe? That's our big worry....

[Kate]

I don't know where you live, but many community colleges offer a course that is more advanced than the regular driving course. Also, schools that offer paramedic and firefighter training also have such courses (including how to drive an emergency vehicle), which might be a good idea for someone who needs to learn to drive a little better, or perhaps with more confidence. I have a friend with the same type of problem with her son. She was going to take the car away, too, but decided against it after we talked about saving that particular consequence for a lot more serious driving issues. Her child did not show the financial responsibility at 19 that yours already has - I think that is wonderful that you have a child who is already financially responsible.

[MomofTeens]

Our teen is signed up for a two-hour private session through a driver's ed company. It will focus on parking lots and decision making. Our teen paid the repair bill from savings ($1800!! The cost to repair a bumper!) Hopefully, all this will add up to a case of 'learn from your mistakes.'