what to do with sexually active teen?

[Hermom]

Dear Dr. Bradley,
I became aware last week that my 14.5 year old has become sexually active with her boyfriend.
They have been dating 9 months, so I'm glad, at least, that she hasn't become involved in more casual relationships. They're very close to eachother. The boy is 16.
However, I'm concerned for both of them. A part of my wants to get her on birth control pills, so as to avoid the unthinkable crisis of pregnancy, but then I'm afraid I'm giving tacit approval of their sexual activity. I just don't know what to do actually. Any advice is appreciated.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
These adolescent situations are the stuff of insomnia, since there is no "right" answer that will handle all of these issues and risks. What we look to is finding the "least bad" response.
I may be a dinosaur but I believe that 14 is too young an age for sexual activity, particularly for females. Not to sound sexist, but the emotional aspects of sex are much more powerful for girls than for boys. And at 14, most girls simply do not have the ego strength and life experience to handle the often devastating emotional fallout which will occur when this relationship ends, which it soon will, statistically speaking.

And if it doesn't end, that itself is an issue that bears examination. Most psychologists are not wild about seeing long-term exclusive relationships at 14 years of age. These are years far better used in getting to know a little bit about a lot of dating (not sexual) partners. That experience turns out to be vital in helping kids make better long-term relationship choices as they age. Kids who get "engaged" at 14 are often hiding out from the world, or trying to fill in some emotional need in themselves. Those tricks never work.

I say all of that to preface what I would think about doing here. First, ask your daughter to join you for a few sessions with a counselor, preferably a female one. There consider telling your daughter that it is NOT OK to be sexually active at 14, and that you guys need to find a way to resolve this. I would be dispassionately firm in putting this out to see if you can resolve the issue without talking about birth control. You have to be clear that this issue is so important (as a potential risk to your girl's well-being) that you simply cannot negotiate her having sex. It's very possible that she has mixed feelings about having sex, and your prohibition may be just what she needs.
If she fights you on this, ask the counselor to work with you guys to resolve it. I worry about her being "engaged" at 14 and what that might mean for her in terms of other emotional issues.
Regarding the birth control option, ask the counselor for her input regarding safety risks, but I'd be wary of signaling sexual permission to a 14-year-old if you cooperate with that. You might have to look more to restrictions of freedom if you cannot get some resolution on this.

My only other thought for you is to note that sleepy time tea works great for me when I toss and turn over my own kids' issues that have no perfect answers.
Good luck and keep us posted.

[Perplexed]

Dear Hermom,

I have a 17-year-old daughter, and I have had the same experience as you. I know 17 sounds a lot older than 14, but I have had the same worries that you have had.

Before joining this forum or reading Dr. Bradley's book, I went into hysterics and confronted my daughter. She acknowledged everything and calmly told me that this is what she wanted. I don't particularly approve of her boyfriend, with whom she's been on and off for 4 months. After reading Dr. Bradley's book, I realize my rejection of the boy may have encouraged her to love him more. I did take her to a gynecologist, with whom I spoke beforehand. The doctor said my daughter was too young to start on the pill, but that she would endeavour to convince her to stop her behaviour or at least to be safe. Frankly, I don't think it worked. I know that she uses condoms (that's how I found out about it), but I worry that it's not enough protection, not to mention how much this is affecting her life.

It breaks my heart to think that this is the time she should be excited about college applications and prom dresses, but her mind is on something else altogether. I've cried so much and after the visit to the gynecologist, I just didn't know how to approach her. I came upon Dr. Bradley's book in the school library, and I've been devouring it for weeks trying to make sense of it all and trying to see how I can solve what I've messed up, because I do feel I am a bad parent. I'm trying hard not to, as Dr. Bradley advises in his book, but it's hard.

To begin with, after my first hysterical outburst, I've talked to her and told her that no matter how much she and I disagree, I love her and I'll never stop loving her. I know I need to revisit this issue, but I don't want to make another mistake.

This is really, really hard. I pray that you find a way.

[PaKettle]

My son (age 16) and his girlfriend (age 16) are sexually active, and have been since the girl was 15. We try to be diligent about keeping them in a fully chaperoned situation at all times, but I know we're not 100% successful 100% of the time.

We have tried to emphasize to BOTH kids (and have included the girl's mother in the dialogue) that this is not acceptable but that, IF they are going to have sex, to please use protection (including condoms, which we have purchased for our son). I do worry that it's a "no win" situation, i.e., if I emphasize using protection, am I implicitly approving the sex VERSUS if I don't stress the protection (knowing that they're likely having sex anyway) am I running the risk of pregnancy?

I would add that I am a Dr. Mike newbie, having just found his book at the bookstore last week (although I'm already working my way through it for the 2nd time). I wish I'd found the book earlier, i.e., before I found the kids in flagrante delicto and exploded.

Where (and how) do I draw these lines, Doc?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Pa,
I was sorely tempted to simply ignore your letter because I hate questions with no clear answers, and yours is one of the worst, clearly a true "lose/lose" nightmare which ultimately confronts most parents at some point. With kids 16 years and above, the odds of you stopping all sexual activity between two teens who think they are in love are pretty remote. If you simply forbid the relationship, you risk a "jailbreak" where the lovers run away to New York or LA for a week to "be together" and "start a new life." I'd hate to tell you how often I've seen scenario that end up in pregnancy. And yet the physical and emotional risks of "allowing" "protected" sex for teens are huge as well. So what to do?

First, perhaps call a meeting with both sets of parents and the kids. There I'd simply pose the problem to the kids asking what they would want the parents to do in the highly possible event that the daughter becomes pregnant. When the kids protest, go over the science with them that proves that there is no foolproof birth control method. Ask if they know of anyone who accidentally became pregnant. State that if they think that they are old enough to have sex, then they must also be old enough to have workable contingency plans. Be very specific. Ask about living expenses, college feasibility and lifestyle changes to drive home the realities of pregnancy (and thus of sexual activity). If they say, "She'll just get an abortion or adopt the baby out" you might counter with other questions such as, "How easy would that be for you guys emotionally? Would you have any conflicted feelings about doing that? And might abortion or adoption be harder for one of you than the other?" Don't insist on answers, just get them to hear the questions.

What’s the point? To shape their beliefs about sexual activity so that THEY start to worry. Up to now it’s likely all a sweet, romantic adventure to them, a parade upon which you DO want to rain. Calmly pour on cold, hard facts and questions, but hold off threats or arguments. This next recommendation is strictly your call, and many good shrinks will disagree, but I’d think twice before providing birth control. Beyond the fact that those things fail regularly, many teens are lousy at using those measures effectively. Handing them a “magic” pill or condom can enable them to simply assume that pregnancy will never happen to them. Know that they can likely get the birth control on their own if they wish anyway.

Finally, after all of the “dispassionate” discussions, I’d tell them that you must cut back on their “alone” time since they seem to be showing poor sexual judgment right now. Add that you hate doing that but you love them too much to see their lives crushed in the car wreck of teen pregnancy.

Good luck and please let us know how you do with this.

[PaKettle]

Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions, Doc.

FWIW, the girl's mother has taken her to the ob/gyn and she's now on the pill. However, because the kids spend most of their time at our house, we have taken steps which make it much much more difficult for them logistically to be alone long enough to have sex. And we've told them what you said, both about the consequences (they had had all that stuff in sex ed in school -- an excellent curriculum, actually) and about them not handling their sexual freedom in a sufficiently responsible way. We're trying to find more and more family activities where we can include the GF. We don't want the GF to fear or hate us, and we want to be able to talk to both kids.

I won't know how this turns out, however, for nearly another decade. My preference would be to avoid grandfatherhood until my son is at least 24 - 25.

PaKettle