dealing with step-mom leaving

[MoMinTN]

Doc Mike- Hello again. It's just one thing after another isn't it?! I need your advice in helping my 14 year old daughter (who just started high school on Monday) deal with stress of having her stepmother of 6+ years up and leave her dad. There was alcoholic behavior involved on the part of the step-mom that led her to go out of state for residential rehab for a month. Two days after arriving home she started drinking again and then left and moved in with her mother in another state. She has been gone about 2 months now and the only contact she has had with the kids has been several letters. My son, who is 12, seems to be doing ok as he is openly dealing with his anger and disappointment. My daughter is internalizing it which gives her stomach aches and more stress in addition to that of just starting high school. I am worried about her and she is worried about her dad. I have asked our pediatrician to recommend a counselor, but in the meantime what should I be doing to help her? I do try to talk with her about her step-mother in a non-judgmental way. Thanks for your help.
Linda

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Linda,
View your daughter's stress (her feelings about her dad and step mother) like it's bad food that you want her to throw up. She really did not need this complication just as she embarks on the scary new challenge of high school. If I were her I'd want to just scream. It's a shame that she can't.
Therefore the counselor is a great idea. Beyond that, see if you can give her opportunities to talk, meaning where you say as little as possible and she says as much as possible. Offer your ear a lot, but don't be surprised or offended if she turns you down. These split family situations raise all sorts of loyalty, conflict, and guilt issues that are so terribly difficult for kids. They are always so worried about appearing to betray or abandon one parent or the other that they become hesitant to confide in those parents.
Show her this note, and tell her that you can see how hard this must be for her, and let her know that you can leave your own ego needs at the door if she would like to talk.
If she declines, just hug her as much as she can stand and let her know that you love her and are worried for her.
Good luck.