Risa
09-17-2005, 12:57 PM
Dr. Bradley, as I read from the front cover of your book: “Yes, Your Teen is Crazy! Loving your Kid without Losing Your Mind”, I knew somehow that you were going to be able to help. The task however was even more daunting for me as an intensely loving mom (of a 16 year old son) who has been trying to manage chronic pain and major depressive disorder for the past few years.
As my personal issues began to escalate, my son’s behavior became increasingly more aggressive and less empathetic (to the point where I thought he was cold and had no heart). Typically my son’s method is black and white and usually ends up in a rage dispute leaving all parties angry and frustrated. By the time the rage occurs, the listening basically stops and so does the mutual respect. Pushback on everything in that all important struggle of identity and independence. Clearly this is just nature versus nurture taking its natural course, but I didn’t understand this while it was happening. I was personalizing everything and reacting in ways that were totally ineffective. As I reflect on these instances now, it occurs to me that if I were him, I would likely have challenged in a similar manner. Looking back on my own adolescent years…I believe I did. For the longest time now, I’ve been feeling totally lost and unskilled (read: miserable failure; my internal dialogue) as a parent. As a result I thought I had lost my son, the most precious gift that has ever been bestowed upon me.
My son is an excellent student (honor roll, scholarship, student council), participates and excels in sports and is highly thought of by all his teachers and other parents (glowing stories I can’t even believe what I’m hearing sometimes). But with me, at times he puts on an entirely different demeanor and likes to argue and fight (about anything – he always has to be right). He can become someone I don’t know (mean, cruel, uncaring). Last year he tried drugs. He asked me to clean his washroom and I found marijuana while cleaning. We talked honestly, even laughed about it because he said he forgot about them and didn’t even remember leaving them there. He swears he doesn’t do them anymore and says he just tried them but doesn’t like them. Some of his friends of course do use them, but he says he doesn’t. I have to believe and trust that’s true. Alcohol – same sort of issue. He seems to have a drink once in a while, but not often at all. He knows that I’m completely “against drugs and alcohol” on all levels. I’m particularly against under age drinking, and drinking/driving is absolutely non-negotiable. He agrees. We’ve discussed alcohol at length and his thoughts are that if someone has a party (and alcohol is on the premises) and if he has one or two openly, isn’t that better than sneaking around because inevitably, “everyone is going to do it”. Based on my “new-found” wisdom from reading your book, I listen really hard and respond by empathizing with his argument, but re-state my position (which is contrary) and hope and pray that he makes smart, wise and safe choices. He did in this example where he recently went to a party. He called at 10:30 to tell me where he was and what was going on (40 people, unsupervised, 5 blocks away, some drugs, smoking and alcohol). He also said he would be home between 12 and 12:15 and may have a beer. To my delight he was home at 12:02 and proudly told me that he didn’t have that beer he said he might have. I felt really proud of him and hugged him to bits.
Your book has been my wake-up call and paramount in helping me truly a re-define my parenting skills and my life. I now understand both in retrospect and for the purpose of my re-adjusting my current and future relationship with my son “how” to get back on track. I get it now! I know what I should have done and what I need to do. It was “me”. I was doing it all wrong. The problem has been that my illness blinded my ability to see things clearly and my reactions have been personal and emotional. Your insight has helped change the way I look at things and myself. I must overcome my personal issues, regardless of how difficult they are in order to be the best parent possible. I need to help my son survive this transitional period so that he can have the wonderful and positive life we all want for him – and I will succeed! Dr. Bradley, I can’t even begin to thank you for giving me back my sense of self. It’s been gone for so long. I feel excited and joyful again because suddenly everything feels right. I feel like I’ve had this major breakthrough (like I was hit with a bolt of lightning - but it felt good). My hope, my strength and my courage have returned. I can actually see that it “is” possible to make positive changes happen and through them I’ve been able to affect both my family and myself. The epiphany is being felt by everyone in my home. Thank you is not nearly enough.
Having reached this point however, I have one further outstanding issue that I desperately need your help with. I don’t know how to handle or respond to this request at all. The only thing I know for sure is I “don’t want to mess things up” now that I’ve finally figured out (fingers crossed tightly) how to re-connect with my son. He wants to go away for a weekend excursion “out of town” (gulp), “him driving” (big gulp) with some of his friends “unsupervised” (bigger gulp) to celebrate this upcoming New Year’s. When he told me of his plan in order to plant the seed, I calmly let him know that I couldn’t possibly give him any type of immediate answer on the issue and he should also be aware that any plan involving a group of unsupervised teenagers in a strange city for a weekend doesn’t sit well with me at all. He said he knew (of course he does) but has brought it up a couple of times since, i.e. “Can’t wait till Christmas holidays to get on the road. I think I’ll start looking into places to stay soon”. I tried to carefully sidestep the conversation by just laughing, commenting on our lovely weather and telling him how much I love him, however all the while my stomach was churning and the only thing I was really feeling was “terror and panic”.
Dr. Bradley, I cannot be caught unprepared for this and I want very much to retain my positive relationship with my son. PLEASE, can you help me with the right reactions and responses to this specific situation? I know my son. He will be persistent. He sees no reason why he cannot go on this new adventure. He feels that he is old enough, responsible and can be trusted, so why in the world would this present a problem???!!! I just don’t know “what to say” or “how to say it” so that he doesn’t lose respect and just take off anyway. I’m TERRIFIED and currently I have no logical way to rationalize this issue in a manner in which he will listen and accept. I need as many comebacks and solutions as possible and would greatly appreciate your insight. Thank you so very much for any help you can offer. I look forward “with great anticipation” to hearing back from you at your earliest convenience.
BTW, I’m really looking forward to your next book. :)
As my personal issues began to escalate, my son’s behavior became increasingly more aggressive and less empathetic (to the point where I thought he was cold and had no heart). Typically my son’s method is black and white and usually ends up in a rage dispute leaving all parties angry and frustrated. By the time the rage occurs, the listening basically stops and so does the mutual respect. Pushback on everything in that all important struggle of identity and independence. Clearly this is just nature versus nurture taking its natural course, but I didn’t understand this while it was happening. I was personalizing everything and reacting in ways that were totally ineffective. As I reflect on these instances now, it occurs to me that if I were him, I would likely have challenged in a similar manner. Looking back on my own adolescent years…I believe I did. For the longest time now, I’ve been feeling totally lost and unskilled (read: miserable failure; my internal dialogue) as a parent. As a result I thought I had lost my son, the most precious gift that has ever been bestowed upon me.
My son is an excellent student (honor roll, scholarship, student council), participates and excels in sports and is highly thought of by all his teachers and other parents (glowing stories I can’t even believe what I’m hearing sometimes). But with me, at times he puts on an entirely different demeanor and likes to argue and fight (about anything – he always has to be right). He can become someone I don’t know (mean, cruel, uncaring). Last year he tried drugs. He asked me to clean his washroom and I found marijuana while cleaning. We talked honestly, even laughed about it because he said he forgot about them and didn’t even remember leaving them there. He swears he doesn’t do them anymore and says he just tried them but doesn’t like them. Some of his friends of course do use them, but he says he doesn’t. I have to believe and trust that’s true. Alcohol – same sort of issue. He seems to have a drink once in a while, but not often at all. He knows that I’m completely “against drugs and alcohol” on all levels. I’m particularly against under age drinking, and drinking/driving is absolutely non-negotiable. He agrees. We’ve discussed alcohol at length and his thoughts are that if someone has a party (and alcohol is on the premises) and if he has one or two openly, isn’t that better than sneaking around because inevitably, “everyone is going to do it”. Based on my “new-found” wisdom from reading your book, I listen really hard and respond by empathizing with his argument, but re-state my position (which is contrary) and hope and pray that he makes smart, wise and safe choices. He did in this example where he recently went to a party. He called at 10:30 to tell me where he was and what was going on (40 people, unsupervised, 5 blocks away, some drugs, smoking and alcohol). He also said he would be home between 12 and 12:15 and may have a beer. To my delight he was home at 12:02 and proudly told me that he didn’t have that beer he said he might have. I felt really proud of him and hugged him to bits.
Your book has been my wake-up call and paramount in helping me truly a re-define my parenting skills and my life. I now understand both in retrospect and for the purpose of my re-adjusting my current and future relationship with my son “how” to get back on track. I get it now! I know what I should have done and what I need to do. It was “me”. I was doing it all wrong. The problem has been that my illness blinded my ability to see things clearly and my reactions have been personal and emotional. Your insight has helped change the way I look at things and myself. I must overcome my personal issues, regardless of how difficult they are in order to be the best parent possible. I need to help my son survive this transitional period so that he can have the wonderful and positive life we all want for him – and I will succeed! Dr. Bradley, I can’t even begin to thank you for giving me back my sense of self. It’s been gone for so long. I feel excited and joyful again because suddenly everything feels right. I feel like I’ve had this major breakthrough (like I was hit with a bolt of lightning - but it felt good). My hope, my strength and my courage have returned. I can actually see that it “is” possible to make positive changes happen and through them I’ve been able to affect both my family and myself. The epiphany is being felt by everyone in my home. Thank you is not nearly enough.
Having reached this point however, I have one further outstanding issue that I desperately need your help with. I don’t know how to handle or respond to this request at all. The only thing I know for sure is I “don’t want to mess things up” now that I’ve finally figured out (fingers crossed tightly) how to re-connect with my son. He wants to go away for a weekend excursion “out of town” (gulp), “him driving” (big gulp) with some of his friends “unsupervised” (bigger gulp) to celebrate this upcoming New Year’s. When he told me of his plan in order to plant the seed, I calmly let him know that I couldn’t possibly give him any type of immediate answer on the issue and he should also be aware that any plan involving a group of unsupervised teenagers in a strange city for a weekend doesn’t sit well with me at all. He said he knew (of course he does) but has brought it up a couple of times since, i.e. “Can’t wait till Christmas holidays to get on the road. I think I’ll start looking into places to stay soon”. I tried to carefully sidestep the conversation by just laughing, commenting on our lovely weather and telling him how much I love him, however all the while my stomach was churning and the only thing I was really feeling was “terror and panic”.
Dr. Bradley, I cannot be caught unprepared for this and I want very much to retain my positive relationship with my son. PLEASE, can you help me with the right reactions and responses to this specific situation? I know my son. He will be persistent. He sees no reason why he cannot go on this new adventure. He feels that he is old enough, responsible and can be trusted, so why in the world would this present a problem???!!! I just don’t know “what to say” or “how to say it” so that he doesn’t lose respect and just take off anyway. I’m TERRIFIED and currently I have no logical way to rationalize this issue in a manner in which he will listen and accept. I need as many comebacks and solutions as possible and would greatly appreciate your insight. Thank you so very much for any help you can offer. I look forward “with great anticipation” to hearing back from you at your earliest convenience.
BTW, I’m really looking forward to your next book. :)