web journal discoveries

[reelbuyer]

I have two sons, 17 and 14. Both have xangas which are like an online diary kind of and myspace where pictures and comments can be posted back and forth between users. Both know that i have looked at all of these on occasion and they have even shown me different things on their sites or their friends. I look at them just about every day which they probably doon't realize. I have had conversations with them both occasionally about something on their sites or someone elses.
My 17 year old has had some greater freedom this summer and now in his senior year. However, much to his dismay, we are not as permissive as his friend's parents and insist on being in contact with him, knowing where he is and not letting him go everywhere he wants. His girlfirend is a year older and a ffreshman in college which is not really a bad thing since he doesn't see her that often. Many of his friends are going to a music fest in Austin this weekend - Austin City LImits - and we won't let him go as I don't know the mom that is taking some boys and have not been impressed with how she deals with her own son. He was really mad (and sad) about that since it would have given him an opportunity to see his girlfriend. He seems OK with it now although I expect him to be depressed this weekend.
He went to Homecoming this past weekend with a friend who was his old girlfriend. They had a good time and his current girlfriend was OK with it knowingthey are just friends and it is his semior year and that he wants to do some of those traditions. This morning I saw a comment on one of these sites indicating he had drank that night at a friend's house. After the dance he went over to this friend's house with some other kids and spent the night.. I know this friend and felt OK about it him going there. We have had many discussions about drinking and drugs and I think this is the first time he drank. His girlfriend parties on the weekends and he hates how she acts and what she says when she does, so I though that might deter him. Guess not...
So what do I do know? Do I tell him I have seen this comment or talk in general with him again reinforcing our stand which is no drinking or drugs ever? I know his younger brother sees this site and other friends too. Should I talk with ihm about that?
He is a good kid, but we have had our battles and I try to remain dispassionate (although why is it that menopause clashes with children's teen years?) We are looking into college and this whole thing scares me...
I guess I have invaded his privacy, but it is all just so open on the web...

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
It is the great irony of nature that menopause so often coincides with having teenagers. I've heard religious folks comment that this is proof that God has a twisted sense of humor. I've also heard it said that parenting adolescents can induce menopause---in FATHERS!
What to do here is to tell your son straight-up what you read and where you read it. With an apology, let him know that you have perhaps invaded his privacy and, first, work out what to do about that. If you can honor a pledge to not monitor his site, then offer that (I could not be that disciplined). Otherwise, suggest that he find a more secure place to write out his private thoughts because he is entitled to have such a space.
When that issue is cleared, have a second chat (maybe later on) about what you read. He knows your position on this, so your best option is to ask him questions about how he sees drinking. Focus first upon getting him to think. Remember that the most drug-resistant kid is the one who decides for himself that drugs are dumb. For example, ask what he specifically dislikes about his girlfriend's drinking behaviors to help him isolate what being drunk really looks like, and ask if he wants to be like that.
DO NOT ARGUE HIS ANSWERS, even if they seem ridiculous to you. The idea is to insert questions into his head that he might mull over for awhile.
Finally, ask how you both can get back to trusting each other. You broke his trust by reading his personal journal, and he broke yours by doing drugs (drinking). Don't look for a quick answer to this question, but rather hope for another round of "mulling."
Hang in there, Mom. Adolescence and menopause are both phases. Don't let the down sides of these times start to feel like forever. Remember to find some wonderful things to tell your son about himself, and find some fun time to spend with him. You guys are truly on short time now.
Be well.