Moving past the betrayal

[Mani]

Two months ago I learned that my 14-year-old son has been smoking pot for 1 1/2 years. He's a great kid...funny, respectful (most of the time), caring, smart, mature, and honest. I bought Dr. Bradley's book and am trying to employ his advice but find it really hard to work through the pain of betrayal. I trusted my son so completely. "Did you honestly expect me to tell you I was smoking pot?" he asked me after he'd been caught. Three weeks before that I had invited him to tell me if he ever tried it because he was at that age where he might be curious. Funny thing is, I did expect him to tell me. We've always talked openly about so many things and he has always helped keep me grounded with honest, mature advice. I can't decide what's worse -- the hurt or my fear for his safety. I'm pretty sure it's the latter, but the hurt is getting in the way right now. It seems his pot smoking over-shadows everything now, though he tells me it's an occasional thing. I can't help wondering every time he goes out if he's smoking up (I do believe it is continuing though I have made my views on it very clear). Please tell me that I will get past this and be able to enjoy these years. My stomach is in knots constantly.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mani,
Your letter made me feel so sad, not because of your's son's situation, but for your parental grief. It's terrible when an event like this happens. We feel like we've forever lost our sweet innocent child. The drug may be becoming the symbol of this loss to you, causing you to focus too much on the marijuana, and not enough on your own pain.
It's OK to get weepy about this. We all do. It's part of watching our child grow up. You have to acknowledge that grief. But after you mope a little, dry your eyes and look at these facts. They may help.
First, it sounds like, overall, your son is doing great? His description of his drug use sounds like experimentation, which is not great, but it is common, and usually does not progress further. Did you experiment as a teen, perhaps with alcohol? If so, did you rush to tell your parents that you used a drug or did you think that it was really none of their business. And if you did not tell them, do you see that as "betraying" them?
Kids don't see lying to parents about drug use as betrayal. They usually figure that it's just pointless information that will get you upset over nothing. It's important that you grasp this so that you don't begin to move away from your son because he "betrayed" you. Keep as close to him as you can to let him know how wonderful he is in spite of his drug use. Using the communication rules in the book, calmly state your concern about drugs, that they can take over kids' lives. Tell him that many shrinks (me, included) are particularly worried about cannabis since it has so few side effects. This allows it to become a daily medication kids use to eliminate stress, which allows them to avoid doing challenging things. We now have a frightenly large group of "Cheech and Chong's" in our culture.
Don't interrogate him or demand answers as to his use. Your actions will be much more therapeutic if you resist becoming a cop, and instead plant objective thoughts in his head for him to mull over about drug use.
Don't mix your own "betrayal" needs in with the drug messages you give to him. Otherwise he'll dismiss it all out of hand.
Finally, relax a bit? Love your kid. Stay on what's good about him. That loving parental connection is the best anti-drug therapy I know of. But it requires the long-suffering patience of love.
Hang in there!
Mike Bradley

NOTE TO OTHER FORUM MEMBERS: Please share your own similar experiences with Mani. It really helps to hear you're not so alone.
Thanks.

[Mani]

Dr. Bradley (and Readers)

I've dried my eyes and things have been going very well. My son has followed all the house rules and has returned to his fun-loving self and our relationship is back to what it once once. We have reinstated his lost privileges (limited computer use and no sleepovers). Thank you, Dr. Bradley, for your kind advice.
I need some help understanding the dispassionate approach. Tomorrow, my son will be sleeping over at a friend's house. I believe this friend invites my son to sleep over (they don't live in the same neighbourhood) so my son will bring some marijuana with him. I don't believe my son is selling it but does have connections. Giving marijuana constitutes trafficking whether a sale takes place or not. Based on their conversation, I am guessing my son will be bringing some this time again. I have no proof, so can't accuse. My gut has always been right. I told my son we are trusting him to be responsible and not to lie to us (this is his first sleep over since getting caught smoking up in our house during a sleepover). Do I just stand by now and hope he does the right thing? Advice, please!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
I'm sorry I'm getting back to you late, but I was away and just got your letter.
I'd follow your instinct and offer your trust back to him. Let him know that you are accepting his word that there will be no drug use, and let him go. This presents a kind of no-lose situation. If he honors his word, you've all won. If not, he likely will feel bad about betraying someone who trusted him. This may help future trust situations in that he'll be learning about the nature of trust, and what it means to him. Don't worry about looking "weak" by just trusting him. Kids see these unconditional offers as signs of strength on the part of parents. Remember, as parents we are in the failure business so that we can teach our kids important lessons when they screw up. Try and not fear the failures too much. This is toilet training, all over again.
Good luck!
Mike Bradley

[Mani]

Thanks again, Dr. Bradley, for your advice. All worked out for the sleepover. I remained silent and trusting. I hadn't considered that my son might view me as weak (or that I might consider myself weak) for trusting him unconditionally again. My fear lies mainly in his failure resulting in him being getting caught by the law for possession (or worse) of marijuana. I guess I'm still sorting out my feelings around this whole thing and do not want to be wishing I had intervened more should the consequences be so drastic. My friends and the parents of my son's friends have such varying views, from being adamant that if it were their child they would be very restricting to being quite casual about it. I'm trying to sift through all the advice and know that what we're doing is right for our family, regardless of what others think. You've given me some more food for thought. I feel that we (my husband and I) cannot afford to be motivated by pride or denial right now.
I am so looking forward to your new book. We need to hear from our kids.
Readers: Any thoughts to share?

[ovr40mom]

I have been reading the exchange on this issue with interest, and the last posting hits what my concern would be. There are some "mistakes" that kids make that just have more serious consequences then others, and the illegality and possible criminal ramifications is what would concern me. Our family had to address this issue over 10 years ago when a child was brought home by the police who said that he couldn't be sure but suspected drug use. We did the first thing that came into our heads which was to make the child give us a urine sample that we had run at the doctor's office. It was clean. That was the beginning of infrequent, but random urinalsyis in our household for the teenagers. We said we were going to put them in a 30 day treatment program if they tested dirty. They never did. Of course, we didn't have the benefit of Dr. Bradley's book at the time and realize now that is not what he would have suggested. This certainly gives us food for thought as we again enter the teenage years in our household.

[kktip]

We discovered that our 16 year old son has been abusing marijuana and alcohol for at least two years. His lies have worked very well and my husband and I were completely fooled. He also makes good grades, and is a witty, bright, caring teen most of the time. So, we tried to ignore the "use" and focus on what was good with him-encouraging him, guiding him, telling him how much we loved him..then we caught him driving under the influence-then we found him with a cooler of liquor in his car, then I found drug paraphenalia in his vechicle. Dr. Bradley advised one parent of a 17 year old who was abusing alcohol that the child needed to leave home. We have taken our son's car and cell phone-we are in family and individual counseling, but things are just getting worse. I am confused as to the magic line of "focusing on the good stuff" and administering consequences in order to keep the child safe, others safe, and to let him know we will not let him use drugs and alcohol. Please please offer me some ideas, some hope, some help!!!!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear "Loving",
I wish I could ease your pain and confusion, but I can't. You are exactly right when you note that parenting is indeed an often excruciating balancing act between providing freedom and setting limits.
Your therapists should be the ones to answer your questions, but from afar it sounds as if you have provided your kid with lots of opportunities to clean up his act, which he didn't utilize. Therefore it might be time to SLOWLY build up the limits (such as car privileges, etc) until he complies. The idea is to afford Junior every chance to SELF regulate, particularly when the issue is drug use. But be sure to always give him a "carrot", some reward to work for. Don't do unlimited punishments. Always set some target behavior for your son to shoot for to get his freedoms back.
Sometimes, when all else fails, we do have to ask teens to leave the home. But remember, that is only used as a life-saving measure, not as a threat to make a kid comply. Typically, things do get worse before they get better in situations like yours where you begin to set limits, so hang in there.
Your "name" summarizes my last suggestion for you: Keep telling your son how much you love him, and how much you hate and fear the drugs, since they will hurt him.
Please keep us posted.
ATTENTION OTHER PARENTS: Please share what has worked and not worked for you on these situations. Thanks.

[kktip]

It has been nearly a year of "loving our child and hating the drugs" ...he has been in counseling weekly and his counselor thinks the kid is so wonderful.....his grades are mainly very good--UAs were clean, so we quit giving them. He has been loving, polite, more mature and responsible--but I had a gut feeling something was up. He was caught shoplifting eye drops, but had money to buy Vicks Vapor rub (we have now heard it is used with Ecstasy). The UA this morning was positive for weed and meth. I feel as though I am going crazy. I can't breathe-can't think straight. I have been going to a counselor who has suggested I am co-dependant as I worry so much about this kid and I devote too much time wondering how to help him and guide in the right direction. Dad is at the point of giving up, saying our son is making the choice to throw his life away. Please please respond.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
Get yourself and Dad out of the house for a large coffee. Sit down and start reviewing the DATA in your head, not the fear in your gut. Your data make it very clear that what you did the first time around (see prior letters) WORKED!!! Not perfectly, not forever, but worked as well as it ever gets in this crazy world of parenting adolescents. View your kid's latest use as a "blip", and get back onto the track you guys were on before. Stop panicking and start planning the next phase of helping your son. He's just shown you that he needs more structure to stay sober. THAT'S OK! All you need to do is to recreate another structure of limits and rewards that helps him stay clean.
Very few kids who get heavy into drugs stop using completely at the first attempt. In fact, the failures can be very instructive in teaching your son how to ultimately stay sober.
So get back in the game, guys. It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings.
Good luck, and keep us posted.