In need of advice on boundaries

[Kelly]

Dear Dr. Bradley,

I fear that I am using up more than my fair share of your time in the past month. Thankyou so much for all the advice you've given so far. I am having a difficult time dealing with things lately and your forums and book have been a life line.
And so here is my dilemma:

My 13 year old daughter is the one I wrote to you about because of the inappropriate sexual things that she was doing with her boyfriend. Luckily she has just broken up with this guy. Now she is hanging out with a group of kids her age or a year younger that live near the neighborhood and has decided to "go out" with one of the boys. One of this group is my daughter's best friend whom she has finally made up with. They were at odds for quite awhile when my daughter was going out with previous boy.
These kids are a much better bunch as far as their behavior and I don't worry about my daughter as much with them, but I still do worry because I know what my daughter is willing to do with a boyfriend.
I have no problem with my daughter hanging out on our cul-de-sac with these kids and have let her have a few of them in as long as they stay out of her room.
There is a field a street over from my house where these kids like to go hang out, play football, etc. I have let my daughter go over to this field as long as she has access to a phone and I can reach her. I also limit the time she is there to an hour and tell her that her best friend -the other girl of the bunch must be there also.
Is this wise or unwise? What are your suggestions. I don't see these kids as being likely to do the sexual things that the last boy was getting my daughter involved in, but you never know.
It's so difficult to know how to deal with these situations.

I have my sister and my mom criticizing me and telling me that I don't care about my daughter because I let her go to this field. I have my sister telling me it's my fault my daughter got into the situation with the previous boyfriend. My mom even criticized me today for not making my daughter come home from her girl friend's house to eat lunch. She was telling me that I obviously don't care whether my daughter eats well or not, because they tend to eat junk food at this girls' house.
I wish that my family would realize that I am trying to do my best at raising a teenage daughter who has alot of problems.
I don't need criticism, I need support. I am hurting and angry right now. And since I'm at the end of my rope and can't sleep I figured I'd write you and get the opinion of someone knowledgeable on the subject.
Please let me know what you think about boundaries as far as the situation with the field.
Thankyou so much,
Kelly

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Kelly,
My thought is that it's important to take these reasonable risks in getting your daughter to hang out with better kids. But you are dealing with critical issues about more than one "field," with the much more important one being the "field" upon which you engage with your mother and sister. Ironically, your daughter's behaviors might be very much related to how you do there. It is very therapeutic for kids to see their parents calmly standing up to emotional bullying; conversely, watching a mom get pushed around by meddling relatives can be a powerful factor in a teen's acting out behaviors.
Consider telling your mom and sis that when you need parenting "advice" from them, you'll ask for it. Tell them nicely one time, and less nicely each successive time. If that seems impossible for you to do, get yourself to a counselor quickly to help you to do this.
Those folks aren't helping you, they're abusing you. If you can't see this, then perhaps you have become accustomed to being treated this way. If so, this is something that you need to change for your daughter's sake as well as your own. You need to see that you AND YOU ALONE are best qualified to make these tough calls about how much freedom to give to a kid who has had problems. Ask folks whom you respect for their views, but notice that the folks you wisely respect are always the ones who never open their mouths unless you first ask.
Good luck and please stay in touch with updates.

[Cheekybrat]

I'm in agreement with Dr. Bradley; meddling or "good advice toting" friends and family do nothing but make you question your own parenting. My 13 year old went thru a very ugly phase after my ex and I split, but I knew if I pushed too hard at that time it would just make her run... so I went carefully and a bit lighter. My mom had lots to say, mostly that I was being too soft on her. Finally I told my mom in the most loving way .. "Im adviced out right now Mom, everyone has an opinion and I just need to do this my way for a bit". Thankfully my mom is an angel and backed off. Life is still not rosey with two teen girls, but just when Im ready to give up, I read something inspirational or find some outside support... like this site I found today. Thanks to everyone who contributes!