Trouble coming up?

[Al Legator]

I just stumbled on this forum and thought I'd ask for responses on a concern I have. My son just turned 14 and for the last few years has had a fascination with pot. It's in the media, it's in the Simpsons, it's everywhere. He hasn't, I believe, tried it but I have little doubt he will.

I have the dilemna that I'm sure many parents have in that I did smoke pot when I was an older teen. Most "experts" seem to say don't tell your kids you tried it because it gives them tacit permission to do it too. The tack I was thinking of taking was that yes, I'd tried it, but I found it was stupid, that the people around it were losers and kept pulling me into trouble I didn't deserve, and that no, he doesn't have my permission to smoke it.

I'll give you my own attitude, which is that if he does try it, it'll be an understandable experimentation and far from the end of the world. If he continues it, it'll be a big rift in our relationship and my abiltiy to trust him.

Any ideas on my apparent (to him, at least) hypocrisy, and what I can do should I discover he has smoked it, or worse, continues after experimenting? He lives 1/2 time with his Mom who's general attitude towards any problem is that if you ignore it long enough it'll go away. So I feel the whole burden on me and I have to get it right the first time.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Al,
I am in the minority of experts on this one, but I believe strongly that the risks of lying to our kids about what we did in our lives outweighs the risks of giving them "permission" to do what we did. I do not buy that "permission-based-upon-the parent-did-it" argument to begin with.
My view is that if a child asks, then he has opened a window for an important discussion on a level that you can't get to otherwise. You should answer truthfully, and add, "And since you asked..." and then describe the tolls that you've seen drugs (alcohol is also a drug) take on your peers as you've grown. The war stories about lost careers, families, and lives can take a bit if the romance and attraction out of that behavior.
The irony is that most kids pretty much know if their parents used or experimented anyway, so answering truthfully, especially when embarrassed, confirms to your child that you are a truthful person. Consequently, your kid is then more likely to trust the rest of what you share with him.
Besides, just when you've finished swearing that you "tried it once but didn't inhale" your brother-in-law shows up to say, "Did your father tell you that? What a crock! Man, back in the day I saw him soooo wasted..." Then where are you with your kid? How does he trust the next thing you tell him?
If a parent has strong reservations about the truth, then better to say that it is none of the child's business, at least until they are adults themselves.
Bottom line: Don't risk losing your connection to your kid with a needless lie.

[Al Legator]

That's pretty much the way I'd been leaning but was second guessing myself. I'd be more afraid of a couple of indiscreet friends than relatives,lol!

Thank you for your reply.