My son can be kind of violent

[Carlene]

My teen age son used to be such a sweetheart, but lately, it just seems like he's really angry all the time. Any little thing sets him off, and now he's gotten big enough that I sometimes worry for my own safety.

I don't think he'd hurt me on purpose, but sometimes his raging hormones just make him go crazy. I fear more what he might doto other authority figures in his life.

I'd like some tips for talking to him rationally about this, and getting himto see that it's important for him to learn to control himself.

[Darren Scott]

Don't feel like you're alone here. A lot of teens are unpredicatable, mine sure can be. Even though we like to think we raised them right, if your son is really out of control you need to look to outside help.

Psychologists, support groups, or your church might be able to offer some help.

Good luck.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Carlene,
Sorry for the late response regarding your son.
First, try "dispassionately" asking him about his anger. See if he can talk about it at all. Don't pressure him, and put the onus on yourself as in saying, "I know I must be doing things that get you upset, son. Can you tell me about them so I can help?"
Second, withdraw quietly from any rage by him. Do not yell back.
Third, if these continue, get both of you to a counselor quickly. Something unusual might be going on.
Good luck and write back to let me know how things are.
Mike Bradley

[Carlene]

Thanks for the advice Dr. Bradley. I'll let you know how it goes.

Your book actually covres this pretty indepth. I hadn't read it all the way through when I wrote before, but I think I can handle things better now.

[DADofTeen]

My son (16) also occassionally gets to the point where he seems to 'rage' and is completely out of control. The language that comes out of his mouth is quite stunning, and we, too, sometimes wonder how far he will go with his anger. We have lost count of the number of cordless telephones, remote controls and other small items he has broken in his raging. Making him pay to replace all of them seemed to have little effect.

Fortunately, some counseling (for him on anger management techniques) and us (for understanding our reactions and helping us to deal with the situation differently), as well as a couple calls to the police has really helped. The most difficult thing for us has been learning to "respond, not react" to his actions and words. We have tried to make it clear to him that we will not tolerate being sworn at and treated with disrespect and we have learned to (most of the time) turn around and leave the room (or house, if necessary). That has been the hardest part for us because it feels like he is "winning" by getting us to leave. With no audience, he seems to calm down.

Dr. Bradley's advice about not yelling back is right on - we used to do exactly that (yell back) and it was literally like throwing gasoline on the fire - he just got more & more angry and it quickly grew into a contest to see who could yell the loudest. It is so hard to not take it personally!! We are learning to choose our battles and not argue over the gazillion little things that would otherwise drive us crazy (how is it they are so good at finding all our "buttons"??!).

So, perhaps you can take some solace in knowing that what you are experiencing is not uncommon (at least not in our house!). We LOVE Dr. Bradley's book and have recommended it to so many of our struggling friends. Parenting is by far the toughest job I have ever had!!