Run Away

[deeman]

Dr. Bradley,

I am the father of a 16 yr old. This morning his stepmother (of over 10 years) found a packed bag in his closet with what I will call "travel accomadations" with a note that said "haha what now". This discovery is on the heals of arguments that are mounting over his compulsive lying, skipping classes and practices with no explanation of where he has been. I can only imagine what compulsions are driving these actions.

I instructed my wife to not disturb the contents of the bag or address this issue with our son directly as that will send a message that we are trying to mitigate a decision that only he can make. If he wants to run away then that seems to be a choice that we cannot change, maybe prolong but not change. However, as his parents we will still have legal obligations to our son and of course we want the best for him as well. This brings up a very troubling process. If he runs away then it appears that we will have to report him to the police and file "At Risk Youth" (ARY) papers and possibly have to go to court with him.

What else should we be doing?
Are we on track to resolve this successfully if possible or off base completely?

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Dad,
Ask your son for a "time-out" meeting at the coffee shop. Ask him to please listen to you for 120 seconds without responding. Tell him about the bag you found, and how scared that makes you since you love him dearly and would be terrified of what could happen to him if he runs away.
Next tell him that it seems clear to you that you guys (parents)are somehow making him crazy, and that you would like the family (not just him) to see an expert (therapist) to figure out how you might all live together better. Let him know that if he hates the shrink you folks pick, that you'll search to find one that he feels comfortable with.
He's sending up red flares to signal that something is seriously wrong with him. Family therapy is your next best step.
Please move quickly and keep us posted.

[Judy Nelson]

At first I read Dr. Bradley's book and thought what a bad parent I have been....I have been doing it all wrong....then I read John Rosemond's book Teen-Proofing! for challenging kiddos this is the book to read. Unfortunately Dr. Bradley, your advice doesn't transition kids to adulthood but keeps them young and immature. Teenagers would love your style because it gives them everything they ever dreamed of....their parents playing into their drama!!!! I opt for John Rosemond's traditional parenting style. Teenagers need help getting to adulthood, not coddled into more codependence with parents. I have to say though I do agree that teenagers are crazy! It's just that when parents buy into it ....they they become crazy too. And we know teens need stable non-drama parents. For the parent who has a runaway....John Rosemond distinguish's the difference between a runaway (a really disturbed teen) and a runoff (who goes to a friend's house and lives comfortably! ) I totally was empowered by the Rosemond book but unfortunately, with the Bradley book I felt like curling up into a little ball and apologizing to my teenager for everything I have ever done to keep him from being happy!! I recommend this read to any parents who don't feel empowered!

[MoMinTN]

Judy- I think it is great to have different professional opinions and perspectives to choose from. I am glad that Rosemond's works for you. I was not familiar with him so I checked out his website. I feel much more comfortable with Doc Mike's approach. To begin with, I think the advice Doc Mike gives is appropriate for parents from a broad spectrum of backgrounds and beliefs. Rosemond, on the other hand, is pretty open about being "Christian" oriented. While there is certainly nothing wrong with that, I found his website to not be very welcoming or all inclusive. That is what I love about this site, and about Doc Mike's advice. I am thankful that my two teens do not have any life threatening issues, but I know I have approached issues that could have become problems in a better way because of what I have read on this site and the advice that has been given. All this to say, while it is great that you have found an alternative method, and we appreciate your sharing that with us, please know that many of us who regularly visit this site do so because we have come to trust and feel grateful for all that Doc Mike does through his books and this website. Linda

[ARS]

Dear Judy,

I feel as this is really not a right place for this kind of a conversation, moreover, most probably it doesn't help Deeman a bit, but after thoroughly browsing through Rosemond's pages, I can only say I completely agree with Linda.

But it's true as well that I agree with you as well:
Originally posted by Judy Nelson
And we know teens need stable non-drama parents.And I just wish we would always be so perfect that we wish for, incl. being a stable non-drama parents...
Originally posted by Judy Nelson
At first I read Dr. Bradley's book and thought what a bad parent I have been....I have been doing it all wrong....Indeed, I'm glad we have different (professional) opinions and perspectives to choose from...

Good luck to all of us, here especially to Deeman,
Aida