Disappointment

[agingfast]

I just went to a lecture b Dr. Bradley and was feeling really good about my middle child - I felt like she was just normal. My husband and I felt a sense of relief that there could be a bright light at the end of the tunnel. The next day I allowed a sleepover and she and the friend attempted to smoke in her room. (both are 13). I only found this out by my son smelling the smoke and then reading her myspace which had a note from her friend talking about it. I was calm, showed her the entry and told her that she was back to square one with me. I told her I was deleting her myspace and she'd no longer have those privileges or anyone sleeping over. While looking over her myspace in the deleting process I saw a comment she made about being able to get high whenever she wanted because she has coricidin. I am feeling really betrayed and don't know what to do with this girl. We've been through a lot with her and she's always bounced back. I don't understand why she keeps doing things to get her freedom restricted. Nor do I understand why she is so reluctant to obide by the rules and make her life easier. Is it okay to continue to keep such a tight grip on this child and make her stay home, with virtually no outside contact with any peers? When we give her an inch, she makes a bad decision and has to start over. I'm afraid she's going to get tired of always being restricted and will really rebel. I feel like an ***** because I thought she was doing so well and I rewarded her by telling her she could go back to her old school. That begins next week and there's no turning back. What a sucker I am.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Aging,
First, please know that much or most of what kids post on those websites is not true. Even so, I think it's time to get some outside help for your family, whether or not your daughter is using pills. If she's using, you need to have an expert decide how serious this is. And if she's not, the fact that she would invent that story means that she's setting off some red flares saying that something is going on with her that bears attention.
Ask her for a "time-out" to say that what each of you has been doing so far has not worked so well, and that grounding her is not the long-term answer to this issue (it's not), but is only a short-term safety measure to keep her from harm until you guys can work things out. Tell her that the family (not just her) needs to get some outside help to try to make things better for everyone.
Finally, watch out for that "betrayed" feeling. Kids don't usually do this stuff to hurt their parents. As I said in your seminar, DON'T TAKE THIS PERSONALLY- A LOT OF THIS BEHAVIOR IS JUST THE WIRING AND THE CULTURE. If you take this personally, you'll lose your effectiveness.
Remember when you snuck out to go drinking or smoking with your friends when you were a teen? Did you do that stuff to betray your parents? Likely not. And can you recall being amazed when they seemed to feel betrayed by you when they caught you? Can you remember thinking something like, "But my doing drugs has nothing to do with you guys. I was just having fun."
The odds are that this is what your daughter is thinking as well.
So take that dispassionate cop stance: Be firm, but not outraged. Be loving, but not vague about your rules. Ride this out with those tools we shared at your seminar, and the odds are enormous that this scary time will be a blip in the life an otherwise wonderful kid.
Keep us posted.