Serious girlfriend trouble

[admin]

POSTED FOR ANON MOM:

We met Dr. Bradley at one of his talks last week. My husband went up and spoke with him regarding my son and his girlfriend. I really was wondering if he could help us or if he knew someone we could speak with in our area.
Bottom line, our son has been an item with this girl since 6th grade. They are now in 10th grade--we have had so many problems with their relationship and how it effects our entire family. We tried to be the nice parents and pretend we liked her, but it did not work. We are at wits end at this point. It would take me hours to explain some of the things she has done but here are a few:
1. Last week she talked my younger son, which is 13, to run away from home. We found him hiding at her friends house. He never would of even thought about doing this on his own. I feel she was just trying to get back at me.

2. We just found a condom wrapper-Empty-in my son's wallet

3. She has lied in the past when my son broke up with her and said some guy was out for her, threatened to rape her and then made up a story that a guy attacked her on her bike.

4. She climbed in bed with my son at our cabin-caught her in the middle of the night.

5. Wrote "butt picker" across our driveway in shaving cream--which does not come off. Not even with acid--Nice huh?

6. Almost got our son killed. She told her step-father my son was clear from the back of their boat-he backed over my son and he got stuck in the propeller. Luckily his friend was a swimmer and got him out. He was very close to drowning and bleeding to death.

7. Admitted cheating on him in writing with another boy.

8. Sent my younger son pornography on his my space. She also has sent very vulgar e-mails to a younger nephew of mine.She has a very vulgar mouth and even writes the same way.

9. On her my space she posted how she liked sex and how many calories you burn off with rough sex vs. oral sex etc............ She also had written on there how she loved to drink and party--this was when she was 14. That was fun to hear about from another parent.

10. She has got caught cheating on school work by copying off my son's paper. They both got in trouble.

The list goes on -- this is just ten issues. I really need help!!!!!!!!! This girl needs help. Mom and Dad are divorced. Mom is re-married with a 1 year old and four year old. She obviously doesn't have time for the teenager-attention deprived daughter!!!!!!! My husband refuses to go to her parents.
Help!!!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
This girl is in major league trouble which requires immediate action.
First, you must immediately go to this girl's parents with this information. If, God forbid, something awful happened, would it not be tough to live with the thought that perhaps you could have headed it off? Even if her parents are incompetent, it is not your place (or your husband's) to decide if something can or can't be done to help this girl. That responsibility must fall to those folks. Yes, your son will go crazy when you do this, but you must dispassionately tell him that there are some secrets we can never keep, such as when those secrets can hurt someone terribly.
Next, your family needs to see a counselor as well. Your son's relationship with this troubled girl needs to be examined in the "daylight" of a therapist's office. You guys need to negotiate some clear boundaries to protect both of these kids. This is not the normal teen craziness.
Please keep us posted.

[admin]

Posted for ANON MOM

Dear Dr. Bradley,
I wanted to give you an update. I talked my Husband into counseling. I was very careful and made sure we went to a man that was highly recommended by the school and others. I carefully explained our situation with this girl. I was shocked by his response. He told us it would do absolutely no good to go to her parents. Even though I had a lot of proof in writing. He said this has to be my son's decision to dump this girl. My husband of course was very happy to hear this...I on the other hand was not so sure! We did take my son in for a session. He came out telling me what a waste of money this was and it was stupid.
The doctor was supposed to call me with our next appt. and I never heard from him. I finally called him 2 weeks later and he set up an appt for 2 weeks after that.

Well, now there is more to my story. I recently found a receipt in my sons jeans while I was washing them...It was for Trojans and Bubble Gum!!! Unreal. I guess I should be happy that he bought them on sale-but I am beside myself. It sounds like those Redneck Jokes-
1) If you have to ride your bike to the drug store for condoms, you might be too young for sex 2) If you have to use your lunch money for condoms, you might be too young for sex! 3) If your buying bubble gum and condoms you are too young for sex!!!
I guess I should be happy that he is protecting himself-but I am just sick about this!

Then last night I took his phone away from him and noticed he had several text messages yesterday from this girl. She was telling him about a drug she wanted to try --T-bar??? I have never heard of this! My son's response was that she is stupid and he would not take care of her if she did! Good boy -- but, she is so dangerous!!! I just don't know where to turn!!! Please Help!!!!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
The place you need to turn to is within yourself. I think you know in your heart that this girl's parents need to be told ASAP about what you have seen. Perhaps the therapist is correct in saying that ratting her out will do no good, but is that really a guess/decision that anyone else can or should make for parents of a child (yes, a child) at risk? These are 10th graders, NOT adults. These are kids who are playing with hand grenades which may go off at any time and hurt them terribly. Ask your husband how he will feel if something awful happens here after you guys chose to not share your information with her folks.
If you choose to talk to her parents, do this entirely openly and tell your son why you are doing this. Yes, he'll likely explode, but some part of him will know that you are exactly correct and that he needs someone to set safety limits for him. Then continue with the counseling and TELL (not ask) the therapist what you want him to help you to accomplish, namely to have open and honest discussions about this relationship, its dangers, and how to set safe boundaries.
Keep us posted.