snooping and drug use..what to do?

[googie1262]

My daughter is 14 (15 in May). We are very close and generally have a good relationship. She is an only child. She is a good student and in some honors classes in high school. First year of high school has been adjustment..but her grades are picking up and she is being recommended for some honors for 10th grade. She has many different kinds of friend...( a real, NYC girl,some I know are better influences than others.
The conflict? I am a major snoop,thanks to MY space. It seems that my daughter is "dabbling" with pot, and alchohol. She never smells from it, yet I know when she has been "dabbling" by the next day posts. I do not believe it is chronic (yet), but it is there.
My question...should I let her know I have definite proof from her my space. If I do that..she will flip..and I certainly will lose my 'inside edge" if you know what I mean. I have let her know that I think she has gone there..and continue to try to "inoculate" her, through her denials and hysteria...(yes...I consider your book my teenage bible..and use its principles in my job with adolescents as well as my daughter:) Still , I am questioning my non-judgemental approach..but isn't this experimenting normal..and should I just stay at this level of confrontation..
I hope that you will answer me personally, as I great value your opinion..Thank you Dr. Bradley..and forum

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
I think that honesty is the best policy when it comes to relationships, even those with teenagers. If you keep that drug information to yourself, won't it start to create a distance between you and her? And won't it start to "steer" your interactions towards a cat and mouse game of artificiality where trust becomes a ploy for manipulation?
Better to just 'fess up and tell her straight up what you saw, and ask her about that stuff. Yes, you will lose your "inside edge" but you will show your daughter that you will not resort to spying as a way of compensating for lost trust.
By the way, I would suggest that reading her My Space is NOT spying if you tell her upfront that you will be checking up on that. My Space is a public access domain and you have a right and an obligation to be sure that she utilizes it safely (which many kids do not do). Tell her that she is entitled to privacy in phone calls, letters and in face-to-face conversations, but not in "billboard" advertisements like My Space where predators hang out and nasty kids can use her postings against her.
Finally, let her know that college admissions officers and employers now routinely run applicants' My Space (and similar) sites to see if the applicants are people they want to admit or hire. When I mention this to high school kids, they fairly fly out of my office to edit their postings.
Take care.

[gjonesmsed]

Thank you so much, Dr. Bradley for your very practical advice. I am amazed that you answered me so quickly.
I will speak to her tomorrow at a calm time when we are alone. I know she will flip but I am ready. I will write again and let you know how it goes..that part about the myspace and college applications was news to me...awesome piece of information..and I think it will make an impact..although she may keep doing what she is doing and just not posting..I am really hoping and believing that it is just a phase
What a wonderful service you offer Dr. Bradley. Words cannot describe how important your book and thought are to me. I recommend your book to every parent I know..
Gwen

[googie1262]

well..Dr. Bradley...took your advice....I must admit...after years of working with adolescents with special needs..it is so much more difficult to apply it to your own. Your advice, though..is priceless.and filled with great ideas..wow..what an amazing resource!
So..round 1..at a calm morning moment...I bring up the subject of the myspace..first response is to tell me that it is bs..that her friends and her are using "code"..and that they just sit around , eat, and watch TV...and it is a joke..since I don't smell anything on her...really..never...I guess it could be true...but I won't be too naive.
Round 2...she realizes what I saw.and of course starts freaking out...cursing...slamming a few doors..calling her two friends and complaining about her f'd up mother..etc..etc..I maintain space and let her have her tirade..It is pretty short lived..maybe a half hour
Round 3..she finally comes to me a bit calmer, but stating how angry she is that I would invade her privacy and that she would invade mine..and Chris' (my fiance, who she has a good long term relationship with)....then I pull out those BRILLIANT points you made...about colleges, jobs and myspace....and I see the light bulb go up....YOU GO DR. BRADLEY...Of couse I say this all calmly..always letting her know I love her and respect her privacy...etc..etc..
Round 4..."Mom...can you pick up my friend and bring us to Union..(for pizza...), I am now back to being the dispassionate chauffeur..(oh..and yeah...they are in the house locked in her room..so I guess I am not completely off limits.
So now she knows I will be checking myspace..although I believe she will just hide things a little more. but I do believe she is on the right track and in her own way looks to me to be her center...you..know..
I love her so much words can not describe.