I know it's my fault, but...

[Laguna Mom]

I am huttled over the computer this morning, weeping and exhausted and not knowing where to begin to get any kind of parental power back. My 14 year old daughter is an anger terrorist. She is this way because, 1. We have allowed it. 2. It works for her. 3 We have set bad examples in the past, and though we're doing better, it seems the cast has been set.

She has called me a bitch and has said she hates me every day for the last four days. This is not an uncommon occurrance. She refuses to help even a little around the house, sighting homework as the reason - she knows grades are all important to us, and I allow her threats ("Fine...I'll just get an 'F!' ") to dictate her schedule - which never includes help with chores. She talks in condescending tones about the lack of laundry management when what she needs or wants to wear is not clean - but refuses to fold laundry to help me get caught up, sighting "too much homework" as the reason.

I must say she is going to a tough private school, and does work hard - and has made a 3.5 her first semester of her freshman year. I do tell her I am proud of her. Because I am.

And she is spoiled - because I spoiled her (not meaning to, of course), and I can't seem to dig my way out . She recently berated me because I would not go to the grocery store at 6:00 am before school to have them refill a perfectly fine helium balloon more for a school mate's birthday. Oh...my...God. She doesn't see how crazy this is.

So how can I get her to stop screaming at me? So far I've tried restriction, walking out, quiet talking (this works in the short term at times, but never lasts). I know this is a matter of long-term behavior change on my part, but I need some support, I guess. I have worked hard all my life, and when I give my girl all I would ever have wanted, it's just not enough. Boy does it hurt.
Though I cling to "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy" as a life raft, there are times it cannot keep me afloat.
Please help me.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
I'm afraid that you are likely correct in defining how things got the way that they are. Now your task is reversing those three errors by 1) not accepting it (this behavior); 2) not allowing it to work; and 3) setting a new example. That will be like redirecting a large boat: turn the wheel and then wait patiently for the course to reverse, which will take time.

I'd also add a fourth task. Ask yourself, "Why in God's name am I putting my need for love and approval in the hands of a brain-challenged, teenaged terrorist?" View your daughter as if she's having a temporary seizure disorder---that she'll be OK in time but she'll be nuts for awhile. Stop allowing her insanity to wound you personally. Your weeping response can be like blood in the water to a shark---it makes teens go wild with anger and viciousness, perhaps as an unconscious challenge/demand for their parents to get stronger, so that the teens in turn feel safer.

Perhaps get a therapist to coach you through this. The key is to try to dispassionately negotiate rules with consequences, set limits unilaterally if she won't negotiate, and then enforce those limits with 100% consistency. And, yes, chores must be part of that deal. When she threatens to get F's. just say, "I would be sorry to see that after all the work you've done, but that is up to you. I love you far too much to continue to allow you to act as you have been acting in our home. The world simply does not work that way."

Then step back. If she explodes, get out. DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH A TERRORIST. After the explosion, sit back down and say, "How to we prevent this from happening again so that you are able to earn the privilege we agreed upon as a reward for you controlling your temper."

Finally, date your partner. Get out together like city cops after a tough shift to make jokes about the insanity you’ve just seen. The two of you must put her behavior in perspective so that you can find the strength for the next shift.

Hang in there and keep us posted.

[Laguna Mom]

Thanks, Dr. Bradley, for responding so quickly. I was really in the trenches.

I thought you had some pretty tall orders; "... dispassionately negotiate rules with consequences, set limits unilaterally if she won't negotiate, and then enforce those limits with 100% consistency." Wow. I knew this. This is the gold standard.

I did decide, however, that is was not beyond my abilities, as long as I did the next idea you offered - detach myself from my crazy teen. So as things have come up, my thoughts of my teen being "temporarily insane" and "morphing - crazed" help me to step back, and remember the words "dispassionately negotiate..."

The hardest and most critical part of parenting for me has always been to "enforce with 100% consistancy," but the alternative is a teen with no control. I'm doing better at consistancy. It seems like when I am in control, she controls herself as well, and controls her life in a more effective way.

It doesn't hurt that I have a wonderful husband who backs me up, and is positively unmovable with follow-through.

You know, all these things are true and right in the light of day. It's in the dark times - the times of fatigue and over-scheduling, distraction in a world where the teen sees only herself as the center of the universe - where I grab onto just the one-word life rafts and hope like heck it will float. There is one word above all else, that keeps me sane in the insanity. The word "temporary."

[Laguna Mom]

Okay, I know this is a lot of posting, but I've been doing a lot of work. Here's how it's going so far:

When my teen starts to spiral up in tone, vocabulary and volume, I have been able to be quiet and dispassionately say, "You cannot get what you want by bullying." What I'm telling myself in my mind is, "It is not good for you or me for your behavior to be reinforced by getting what you want."

Because I have been able to be quiet and let her spiral back down, she has talked to me afterward. I find safety in just being quiet, and the side benefit has been that I have listened. So far, it's working. I'm in the ocean...I think I can swim...I'm just waiting for the next wave.

Thanks so much.

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Mom,
That sounds great. Now just repeat that drill a few thousand times and you'll notice that each "wave" gets a little smaller until the waves finally become ripples...well, maybe they just become swells, but that's better than tsunamis, no?
Be well.

[bracha1]

This message is in reply to Laguna Mom. Just wanted to see how things are going since my teenage daughter sounds exactly like yours. She yells,curses, throws things and acts like a total bitch. Other times she is sweet, nice \tc,
My husband and I do not know how much of this is related to the fact that she is adopted and uses that as a trump card, constantlt telling us that we favor her (biological) sister. Her sister does like to spend time with me and is a lot easier going, although the older one is much more popular and social and has tons of friends.Deep down I know she is a good kid.Her friends'parents and teachers love her and she has never broken rules etc. However, lately she wakes up all pissed off and goes to sleep all pissed off. I am constantly told that I act like I love her younger sister more but how can you show love to an angry teenager who shuns every iota of affection you try and offer> My husband says that she acts this way b/c she knows how hurt it makes us. Is this true? She refuses to go for counselling! Hekp!

[Mike Bradley]

Dear Parent,
It's hard to give you any thoughts since there are so many variables here such as your chosen daughter's age, relationship with bio-family, age at adoption, and so on; however, it is clear that you and your husband should get into counseling even if your adopted daughter refuses for now. Tell her and your bio-daughter that it is clear that the FAMILY (not just the older daughter) has issues that need to be addressed, and that you guys are going on your own for now to get some pointers on how to best help your kids, and that you would like her to join you in the future. Don't press for an answer, but just let her know that the process will move forward with or without her input.
Please keep us posted

[Laguna Mom]

Hi Mom.
You wanted to know about how my daughter was doing. The behaviors described in my first post continued, I continued to be firm but not confrontational (as much as I could). Several months later ,my daughter looped her arm in mine and said, "Mom, I need help. I haven't eaten in four days." It turns out, my girl has an eating disorder. In her case, it's the sign of an underlying mood disorder and anxiety disorder. Basically, all the anger, moodiness is mostly normal for her age, but with an "X factor (a problem not in her control right now.)" in her case.
She is now seeing all the appropriate professional counseling (a network of four each week - an eating disorder is nothing to fool around with - even if the signs are not overt).
The important part for you in this, is that while you are in family therapy as Dr. Bradley suggests, just trust that if you try to stay calm and keep the door open to your daughter, she will use it even if it doesn't seem that way. The family interaction will help her to feel safe to talk to you - which is key.
What happened with my girl is not the norm. Just keep afloat in the storm if you can. Take care of yourself, so you can take care of your family.
I wish you the best.
Laguna Mom