Please help

[MarcyRNKS]

I hope someone can give me some insight here ... I am truely at a loss, for one of the first times in my life.

I have 2 daughters, ages 15 and nearly 17. My problem at this time is with my eldest ... keeping her grades up has been a continual struggle for her (more for US) ... the problem does not lie with intelligence .. it lies with motivation and discipline. She is a Junior this year, and our school has a program that allows parents and students to access grades online, which are updated everyday. I thought that this would encourage her to keep the grades at an acceptable level (C or above), but so far, it hasn't. She has always been one that needed "wake-up calls" every now and then, and she's always been able to pull her grades up whenever she HAD to. I've never understood why she didn't just keep them up in the first place.

Anyway, this year, she began hanging out with a girl that my husband and I view as an undesireable influence. We've tried not to protest to the relationship too much, because I remember what happens (after all, I was a teen just yesterday ... holy cow, has it been 20 years???)

I have noted more in the last 6 months, that she is disrespecting me/us more and more ... she even says things to her father that floor me ... but I guess what floors me most is his lack of reaction much of the time to what she says and how she says it. My husband was raised in a much more strict atmosphere than I. We have had many "sit-downs" with her where we talk about her behavior. Things are good for a while, then they slide back again. For probably about the past 2 years, it seems to me that I am unsupported as a parent by my husband. He sometimes contradicts me in front of our daughter when I am trying to talk with her about something that I'm unpleased about with regards to her behavior. Sometimes, just his silence when I could use his verbal support, is like a slap in the face to me as a mother. I can understand why she seems to have very little respect for me. I need to regain this, but I have NO idea how.

I know this seems fragmented, and I apologize for this ... I look forward to anyone's responce here ...

Thanks

[Mike Bradley]

Dear "Mom",
I hear a few things happening in your letter. The first is about your kid's grades. Do what you can with these, perhaps try bribing her with some reward for doing better, but don't go to war on this. She likely knows how important grades are but is unable to get things together academically. Many smart kids "boot" high school, kick themselves, and then find their academic discipline in community college. From there all things are possible. So don't panic.
The second worry is her disrespect. Having those repeated sit-downs is a good approach. Remember, you have to repeat some messages ten-thousand times before your teen really gets it. But pay more attention to this behavior to be sure she truly understands that her behavior is hurtful. Frame her words back to her quietly so she can mull them over.
But the biggie is your husband. You guys must be operating as a team to handle this daughter. It sounds like he's breaking some of the cardinal rules of parenting a teen: Never criticize your partner in front of your kid, and never have two sets of rules. Those two things alone can make for a crazier-than-needed kid. So get thee to the coffee shop with hubbie! Lay out your feelings quietly but truthfully to him. Have him read or reread the teamwork section of the book (Chapter 8). If that doesn't get it done, see a counselor together, fast! Those strains you feel in your relationship can become serious problems under the stress of an acting-out teen.
Good luck and keep us posted!
Mike Bradley